I think that girlfriends are a lot like iPhones: find a friend and dick around with his but don't go CRAZY and buy your own. Plus, iPhones are an excuse not to talk to anyone at a party. Then your roommate steals your iPhone and says he doesn't know anything about it, but you walk into his room one day (which is also YOUR ROOM) and there's your iPhone sucking your roommate's cock! [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: Weird
Keywords: iphone girlfriend dan wilbur
Added: Fri, 1 Aug 2008

The Brobylonian Empire stretched from Western Asia to the verdant valleys of the Mediterranean. Their culture boasted many achievements, from the Tower of Brant, the Hanging Gardens of Brobylon, and a sexigesimal mathematic system, which included an understanding of the Pythagorean theorem long before Pythagoras. Too bad Pythagoras can’t use math to find the clit....where the f**k is that thing? However, the Bros are best known for the application of astrology.

F**king read the Wikipedia dude, f**k make you smart.

Horoscopes for the Week of July 4th:

Aquarius: You’re so original dude. I wouldn’t be surprised if you make the most original movie ever. Then you can just coast and hang with Ryan Reynolds and get bl**jobs with champagne.

Pisces: Dane Cook! What a f**king BRO!

Aries: Bro, listen. You need to shave the ‘stache. This is a Bro-ocracy, not a Cheer-ocracy. Read a book.

Taurus: Trent’s at 8. 31 Ave A. Don’t get confused and go to the Black Anus Bar and Grill again – even though that bar has those sweet BBQ wings and some really friendly dudes. Always a bro when you need one.

Gemini: Keg. Stand. Keg. Stand. Keg...stand. Keg stand, keg stand, keg Stand, KEG STAND KEG STAND KEEEEGGGG STTTTAAANND! Yeah! I f**king love this guy!

Cancer: Blue Moon? Where the f**k is the PBR? She’s changed you.

Leo: I read in Chloe’s astrology book that you’re independent. Which is totally true, you always leave the party to start the ghost riding competition. Watch out dude, because once I saw this kid run over himself on Youtube. F**k, dude.

Virgo: Lady Justice is blind, but Bro Justice is not. Remember that when Steve’s being a cunt about the microwave burritos again. Fucking NOT on the stove! They don’t taste better that way! F**king c??t.

Libra: Musical theater is kind of gay. But keep doing your thing man. That chick who played your wife in that last thing was pretty hot...I think...I don’t know. We showed up pretty blitzed. Was she a dude?

Scorpio: You say your going to the bar, but then you don’t call and go out with some muff-top bitty? I don’t mean to drag balls about this, but come on. Hershey highway?

Sagittarius: A centaur? That’s a sweet logo dude. I took my cousin to see Narnia, I thought it was going to be gay, but it’s almost better than Troy. Speaking of Troy, Brad, I heard you’re a Sag. You were f**king cut in that movie. Lets hang.

Capricorn: What? No. Naw dude. Naw. Woah....No. [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: Weird
Keywords: brobylon dudes bro horoscopes
Added: Fri, 4 Jul 2008

The newest track from my one-man band: ZOINKS

I hate my friends. [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: MP3
Keywords: welcome party hipster band music
Added: Sat, 28 Jun 2008

Recorded at Gutbucket w/ Pete Holmes in April.

Drugs, Civil Rights, and an updated Sacajawea rant. [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: MP3
Keywords: drugs civil rights sacajawea quarters college
Added: Sun, 22 Jun 2008

I think what she was trying to say was not that she was hoping Barack would get shot, but just that it had been awhile since a really good assassination.

That, and if she did it herself, Jodi Foster might finally be interested in her. You know. Because she's a lesbian and whatnot. [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: News
Keywords: hilary clinton women obama dan wilbur
Added: Thu, 29 May 2008

From: RaffleBaffle.blogspot.com

By Cheryl and Corinne.


Cheryl,

George and I are so glad that you and Frankie came by last night. It was a gas! When Frankie did that impression of that Keenan Williams from Saturday Night, I swear I almost peed all over the carpet (and we just got it steamed!)!! I'm glad the spaghetti turned out the way it did, by the way, I spent over an hour making it, and the whole time, my youngest, Kevy, wouldn't stop badgering me ("Mommy, why can't I kiss you on the lips?" What an angel). Speaking of pumping you for information, I wish I could find out how Horatio made your hair look so good! Did he use that blow-dry thingamajig? I tell you, he could blow me any day of the week and I'd pay him anything! :)

Good news!

I got the new tickets in! The order came in from eBay and the tickets are FABULOUS. They're blue and I got the Ignie tiger printed on them. I can't wait for the kids to see them at the game this Saturday. When are we going to meet up and DISH already?

See more tales of middle-aged womanhood @
RaffleBaffle.blogspot.com [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: Weird
Keywords: women raffle baffle blog funny sports
Added: Sat, 22 Mar 2008

Remember when inadvertent sexual references were funny? Me neither!

Meet the lovable REAL housewives of Suburban Cleveland on Raffle Baffle!

Cheryl and Corinne have been selling raffle tickets at Saint Ignatius High School for four years. Their lives are the quintessential success stories for all middle-age women living in these great United States. God Bless our President.

http://rafflebaffle.blogspot.com/


The Sitting Begins!

Corinne! I had a lovely time with you and George last night at dinner! Nothing like some spaghetti marinara to get my mouth just jabberin' away! I mean, a bowl full of soft and warm noodles and a half glass of that dry chardonnay from Oregon! Ooooweee! That's the little known secret for how to pump me for information, Mr. Bond! And spicy too! Your George sure knows how to get a party started. I had the energy of a teenager way past 11:00. My Frankie and I got home and couldn't even make it through one Law and Order. And it was an Criminal Intent even! Thank God for Tivo, otherwise (and I'll be honest with you because you know how tough this little bit of service work is) I might never make it to the boys basketball games! I have to have at least an hour of something I want to see on television, otherwise I can't relax. As we sit here, Oprah's Big Give is recording right now. I tell ya! If it weren't for that little box...shhh(!): I might have quit selling raffle tickets the second my Donny got through freshman year. That's when all the other moms gave up. But if I had done that, you and I would never have met! How tragic would that have been?

Come see more @:
Rafflebaffle.blogspot.com [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: Blogs
Keywords: women raffle baffle blog funny sports
Added: Sat, 22 Mar 2008

There is a much needed comma missing from the title of Bill Cosby’s new book. It’s called “Come on People” and it has a bunch of white splotches on the front. [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: Weird
Keywords: books bill cosby come people dan wilbur
Added: Tue, 26 Feb 2008

The sexy Scarlett Johansson will release her debut album: Anywhere I Lay My Head. The album features 10 Tom Waits covers and one original, which means she picked the one singer who ANYONE WILL SOUND BETTER THAN provided they are under 85, don’t use a voice box, and are not Bob Dylan. There is only one way that they could possibly market this: Sweet new remixes that ultimately focus on the Scarlett’s one selling point. Amazon.com has already released the following tracklist:

1. Just the Right Bullets (my tits)
2. The Black Rider (rides my tits)
3. I’ll Shoot the Moon (it’s the size of one tit)
4. The Heart of Saturday Night (is located on or near my titties)
5. November (was a cold month for my tits)
6. Christmas Card from a Hooker (me)
7. I Don’t Want to Grow Up (if it’s going to affect my tits)
8. Let Me Get Up On It (Remix)
9. Diamonds on my Windshield (look like nipples)
10. Big in Japan (comparatively)
11. Love is an Illusion (written and performed by me...while I was only wearing a bra)
12. Bonus Track: Fumblin’ with the Blues (and my boobies) [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: music scarlett johansson boobs album debut tom waits
Added: Sat, 2 Feb 2008

When I meet a famous comedian, it’s a lot like approaching a woman at a bar. I’m really confident about walking over and telling her I’m a comedian, until I see the expression on her face. Then I stutter and tell a joke I wrote in fifth grade. Then I just awkwardly shake her hand and walk away. Then I send her a message on myspace, which nearly always start with “So, this is weird...” [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: famous comedians awkward girls women bars
Added: Mon, 21 Jan 2008

Did you ever sit in your room and go: “I’m living in a less technologically advanced version of Bruce Willis’ apartment from The Fifth Element? I have a minifridge under my TV two feet from my bed, which has God knows what underneath. At least my closet has auto-wash, if you count the leak from my neighbor's shower.

And there's a stereotypical Chinese guy constatnly singing outside my window. Ahhhh! Thanks, Brooklyn!" [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: Weird
Keywords: apartment fifth element small brooklyn
Added: Mon, 21 Jan 2008

I went to Chicago and brought some pot with me. In the morning I packed, and to have a better travel experience, I ingested some of my pot.

Mistake 1: "If I can't smell it, a dog can't." Even before I felt anything I made this rationalization.

Mistake 2: "I'm high. Oh, God. I'm really high." Being high on the Megabus was terrifying! I had already assumed bus security consisted of five or six cops with dogs sniffing for drugs, but instead of that I found the only security was provided by an old homeless man waving an empty forty at some people in downtown Cleveland. I was also sure Fred Flinstone was now driving the bus and I needed to find the trap door to brake with my feet before the next intersection.

Mistake 3: "Can all dogs smell marijuana?" was my next horror-stricken thought. The bigger mistake was asking the old woman next to me this question. Every stop we made I paced quickly past all the dog walkers on the street. One barked at me from behind a cracked car window: I swear to God, I heard it bark my name.

Mistake 4: Peanut butter. My friend told me peanut butter would cover up the scent, but because I was high, I didn't think about putting it in a container. I just took some off the sandwich I'd made and spread it around the bag. Now I had peanut butter pot in the front of my bag, and I'm sweating balls next to an old lady who thinks I'm about to stab her.

Mistake 5: Not smoking everything before coming back to my parents house. Then my dogs smelled the peanut butter and ate all my pot.

Good Choice 1: Their huge pug eyes swelled shut, and we each ate a bowl full of milk bones. My teeth have never felt more slippery and clean. [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: Blogs
Keywords: pot dogs police chicago cleveland travel high adventure
Added: Thu, 17 Jan 2008

Stop sharing my personal information/purchases with people!

Just because I've listed every book I own under "favorite books" and my social security number under "Religious Views" does not mean that you can arbitrarily share what I purchase on amazon.com with anyone! That information is private!

Just because I tagged all of my previous sexual partners in a note titled "This is a list of my previous sexual partners," does not mean that I want everyone to know the exact time I ordered "Rugrats: A Decade in Diapers" from an independent ebay seller. That's personal too.

What if I decided to purchase a book on the History of the AIDS Epidemic? Huh? What then? People might think I have AIDS. I know what you're thinking: most people have to have sex with another person to contract AIDS, but I've read there are other ways, too! Listing that purchase could easily lead others to judge me. Not everyone knows that I'm taking "Anthropology of Medicine for Non-majors" at Bowling Green next semester! Just because I listed my courses in my profile, does not mean I have friends who care. I know: they've told me as much. When you spend as much time as I do adding every facebook application from Scrabulous to Zombies, you don't have a lot of time to "socialize."

You better quit what you're doing facebook, or you'll be the next chump I bite.

Sincerely,
Angry McSadFace [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: News
Keywords: facebook letter purchase petition aids internet
Added: Tue, 15 Jan 2008

Thanks, Trader Joe's!

Now I can be certain that my food had a chance to walk freely on a fenced-in piece of grass with some other animals before it was boiled down into liquidy goop.

That really helps me cope with eating something that was once conscious. Maybe I'll spring for the Kosher food so I know the bird's throat was slit by a Rabbi. That would alleviate some of my guilt as a carnivore.

What's that? It's organic too? Oh, I'm sold! [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: Weird
Keywords: free range chicken broth animal eat death kosher
Added: Wed, 9 Jan 2008

How come it's only my vegan exercise-freak friends who know where to score blow?

They're always like: "Hey! Do you know what high fructose corn syrup does to your body? It's terrible. Now let's do a line and kill a bottle of tequila." [more]

Author: Dan Wilbur
Category: Blogs
Keywords: health drugs blow vegan body dan wilbur
Added: Wed, 9 Jan 2008