AS PUBLIC BREAST-FEEDING INCREASES, MOMS AND KIDS TRY TO STAY COOL

TOLEDO, Ohio. The first time Amy Peters was asked to cover herself as she was breast-feeding her son Trip in public, she was embarrassed.

"What are you looking at?"

"We were sitting in an airport and this security guard comes up and asks me to go to a rest room because I was making other passengers uncomfortable," she says. "Then I asked myself--why are their feelings more important than mine?"

"Those creepy men are staring because they're jealous of you!"

That incident two years ago inspired Amy to become a "lactivist", a crusader for the right of women to nurse in public. "Mom was way ahead of her time," says Trip, who is now fifteen and 5'11". "Breast-feeding is natural--I just wish her milk came in chocolate," he says as he fills up quickly before his junior varsity basketball practice.

"Put that--uh, thing--back in your blouse and no one gets hurt."

Americans have a schizophrenic attitude towards breasts, says Karen Walderman of the Los Angeles chapter of La Leche, an organization that supports breast-feeding. "On the one hand men pay extra to eat lousy chicken wings at Hooters," she notes, referring to the restaurant chain that features waitresses in low-cut blouses. "But if you happen to actually your breasts for their intended function, they run for the mall cops."

"They're purely decorative."

One man who says he has become comfortable with his wife's practice of nursing in public is Jim Stephenson, a project manager in Anaheim who must fly regularly to his clients' offices out of John Wayne International Airport. "If they're not going to serve a meal on the plane sometimes I'll grab something at the terminal," he says, "but I hate to pay $2.50 for a little container of yogurt." Instead, he and his wife Cheryl will stop in the short-term parking lot for a quick pick-me-up, which Jim says brings his blood sugar up so he can get more work done on the plane.

"There's nothing like mother's milk," he says as he bolts for the Delta ticket counter, "unless it's wife's milk."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

PRINCE CHARLES PROJECTED AS FIRST-ROUND PICK AFTER HARLEM SHOOT-OUT

NEW YORK. Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor, better known as "Prince" Charles, left tongues wagging among pro basketball scouts after a private work-out in Harlem today.

Parker Bowles:  "Now dribble with your weak hand to show them you can go to your left."

"He's Heir Apparent to the British throne," said Danny Ainge, Executive Director of Basketball Operations for the Boston Celtics, "but he's also heir apparent to a long-line of flat-footed white players such as Hank Finkel, Greg Kite, Eric Fernsten and so many more." The Celtics, who are headed towards one of their worst seasons in franchise history, will almost certainly have one of the first picks in the college draft next summer, and are believed to have their eyes on Charles, who hit one of two open shots he took at the Children's Zone here.

"You mean Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor counts as four picks?"

"He plays taller than he is, because he's got such an incredible vertical leap--zero on our radar gun," Ainge said. "His first shot was an air ball, but he made his second. My Hewlett-Packard Programmable Calculator tells me that's a 50% shooting average, and you can't argue with statistics."

"I've got a foul on number 11, blocking a Prince en route to a Royal Lay-Up."

Charles was defended by ten middle-school students who could not overcome his height advantage. "He pump-faked me up, and all I could do was grab his belt on the way down to break my fall," said sixth-grader Tiffany Pratt.

Artest:  Not that kind of King.

Charles, whose titles include Prince of Wales, Prince of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay and Burberry Rookie Traffic-Cone Dribbling Champion, was accompanied by Camilla Parker Bowles, his long-time paramour and more recently his agent in negotiation with teams who may want to draft the scion of the House of Windsor who is projected as a shooting guard. "My guy's gonna get paid what's he worth, or he'll play in Italy next year," the tough-talking Bowles said. "It's not every year someone enters the draft who's descended from Kings, and I'm not talking about Ron Artest."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

"TOO BUSY TO HATE" ATLANTA WILL GIVE WORKERS TIME OFF FOR PISSY ATTITUDES

ATLANTA, Georgia.  Atlanta, which survived the tumult of the civil rights era without urban violence, has long prided itself on being "The City Too Busy to Hate".  "I have time for resentment and a little disdain, but I've got three teenagers in the house who keep me busy," says Loretta Fulsom, a lifelong resident.  "Maybe when we've got an empty nest I'll get around to it."

Atlanta, Georgia

That lack of time for hate has now put Atlanta at a tactical disadvantage as the predominantly white, affluent suburbs to the north seek to secede from Fulton County, leaving the city of five million with a diminished revenue base to support municipal services.

Mayor Shirley Franklin:  "I'm a busy woman--I can give you about thirty seconds worth of antipathy."

"People all over America found time for hate, and we didn't," says Mayor Shirley Franklin.  "We've got some catching up to do."  Franklin proposes giving municipal employees two personal days a month that could be used for hostility, or intense aversion, with no carry-forward for unused days. 

"You can have this Friday off for some loathing, but I expect to see you back here on Monday." 

The threatened secession would create a new political entity, Milton County, composed of predominantly white suburbs north of Atlanta that are among the most affluent in the nation.  Those cities currently represent 29% of Fulton County's population, but contribute 42% of its property taxes.

MARTA bus.

Atlanta and its suburbs to the south are mostly black and its neighborhoods include some of the poorest in the nation.  The city's library, jails and MARTA, its public transit system, are all experiencing financial difficulties.

Marta, hot babe on the internet.

Georgia legislators who are pushing the secession proposal deny that the move is racially motivated.  "Maybe if I spent time in their library I could justify paying more than our fair share," said state Rep. Jan Jones, "but I've already read 'Gone With the Wind' so I have no reason to go there."

State Representative Jan Jones:  "I feel as though we're drifting apart."

If the plan is enacted, Mayor Franklin says she expects municipal workers who currently use up all of their accumulated hostility on visitors to City Hall would direct some of their animosity towards residents of the towns that want to break away.  "My momma always said you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar," she notes, "but flies don't pay taxes."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

DA MAY DROP CHARGES AS DEBATE SQUAD PASSES FONDUE DNA TEST

FULTON, Missouri.  In this small town known to the world, if at all, as the place where Winston Churchill delivered his famous "Iron Curtain" speech, battle lines have been drawn for months over charges by a call girl that she was victimized by members of the Westminster College Speech and Debate Team at a fondue restaurant last fall.

Westminster College

"It was really tragic," says Diana Ohrlich, a professor of sociology at William Woods University, a women's college here.  "Women shouldn't have to live through what she experienced, and if they do, they shouldn't have to go dutch."

Students at William Woods College.

While accounts vary as to what happened that night, police say they were called to the Dippin' Pot Restaurant at around 11:30 p.m. after receiving a 911 call from the cell phone of Tiffany Marie Everly, who works for the VIP Escort Service.  Everly said that she had been forced to ingest bodily fluids of debate team members who were "double dipping" bread, meat and vegetables in the fondue pot at their table.

Fondue pot:  No double dipping, please.

Callaway County District Attorney Gerry Filkins turned the case into a crusade, charging three team members with criminal mischief and assault with a deadly weapon, the forks used to spear pieces of food and dunk them in melted cheese dipping sauce.

Debate club dilemma:  Too many boys, not enough girls.

But some local observers were skeptical from the outset.  "It just didn't add up," says Floyd Embree, a regular at the Coffee Pot Cafe, a favorite hangout for local farmers during the winter.  "Most of them debate boys wouldn't hurt a flea, or if they would, they couldn't."

Wingo:  The object of their affections.

Witnesses said that the team was celebrating quietly at their table after defeating archrival Missouri Valley College in a dual meet when tensions erupted between senior debaters Scott Welby and Todd Minske.  Welby had been dating Sue Ann Wingo, the only women on the squad, but she had returned his letter sweater earlier that day after he botched several lines in their Dramatic Interpretation of a scene from "Gone With the Wind".

Everly:  "You guys are like really boring."

"Sue Ann and Todd were making eyes at each other, so Scott whipped out his phone and called the escort service," teammate Charles Greenblatt recounted.  "This Tiffany Marie woman showed up twenty minutes later and all of sudden the sarcastic remarks started."

One lucky guy.

High school and college debate is plagued by a lack of female participants despite Congressional attempts to correct the imbalance through the passage of Title X, the landmark law that sought to bring gender equity to high school shop classes and college panty raids.  The shortage of available females produces sexual tension among male debaters, which often manifests itself in the form of cutting remarks and uninhibited youthful hijinx.

Fondue restaurant:  Things can get out of hand.

"Todd and Scott started in on each other, making little bread ball battleships and swirling them around each other in the cheese sauce," Greenblatt says.  "The girl from the escort service got bored and started to leave and Scott grabbed her by the arm and said 'Oh no you don't I paid for the Executive Special.'  Then Sue Ann laughed and said 'Oh, Scott--you're so vulnerable!'"

"RNA is 14 letters away from DNA."

Tests on the contents of the dipping pot released by the state crime lab turned up no DNA from team members, and defense attorney Bill Wilbur says he will move to have the charges dropped.  "They found some RNA from a busboy and a few zygotes from one of the guys who chops the vegetables, but that's it."

Countertop donut maker:  Hot grease splashes are a constant threat.

Team members, who were suspended from school until the investigation was completed, say all they want is to get back into action researching this year's national collegiate debate topic:  "Resolved:  That Islamofascism is a greater threat to American democracy than countertop donut makers."  "After what these kids have been through," says their coach Forrest Finley, "they have a new perspective on what it means to live in a country where you're innocent of double-dipping until proven guilty."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

SOME FEAR NEW RELIGIOUS CULT AS VIRGIN LIZARD GIVES BIRTH TO QUINTS

MANCHESTER, England. Chester Zoo officials have confirmed that Flora, an eight-year-old Komodo Dragon, has produced five offspring without ever having a male partner, a virgin birth that is causing concern at Canterbury Cathedral.

Virgin, my foot.

"We can't have reptiles becoming figures of idolatry among the lower orders," said Rowan Williams, the current Archbishop of Canterbury. "It eats into our market share."

Archbishop of Canterbury:  "It smacks of papistry."

The Komodo Dragon is the world's largest species of lizard, and Flora's girth expanded to record-setting dimensions during her pregnancy with quintuplets. "I pity the poor girl," said Effie Tuthill, who works at the tea shop in the House of Fraser department store here. "When I was preggers with me three-year old I couldn't find nothing to wear but a Hawaiian muu-muu." Flora apparently reproduced by a process known as parthenogenesis, which you would understand if you had paid attention in high school biology class.

"Merry Komodomas to us all!"

World religions such as Christianity are often founded following miraculous events such as virgin births, but zoo officials say they intend to steer clear of controversy by emphasizing scientific rather than supernatural aspects of the historic occasion. "We are going to put up a Komodomas tree with all the trimmings and have an after-Komodomas sale in the gift shop," said Kevin Buley, the zoo's curator of lower vertebrates and invertebrates. "Otherwise we're treating this the same as any other reptilian birth--slimy and disgusting."

"You got my lizard pregnant--now you're gonna marry her."

Scientists questioned whether the zoo had monitored Flora closely enough to be certain that she had not had sexual intercourse given the rarity of virginal conception. "I mean, did they go with her to all the nightclubs and parties?" asked Bernal Rojas, a reptilologist. "If you're going to take her word for it, you might as well throw up your hands when your teenage daughter tells you the same thing."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

US COMICS RISE IN ANGER OVER AL-QUAIDA TAPE MOCKING BUSH

HOLLYWOOD. U.S. comedians, long suspected of pervasive liberal bias for their stinging critiques of the Bush administration, today reversed course and denounced al-Quaida deputy Ayman al-Zawahri for a videotape in which he mocked the President's plan to send additional troops to Iraq.

Comedian at Catch a Rising Star.

"That guy has got a lot of nerve," said Colin Wayne, a veteran of the stand-up circuit with an appearance on The Tonight Show to his credit. "Mocking Bush is our job," he noted angrily. "I don't remember seeing al-Zawahri at 'Catch a Rising Star' or 'Total Improv'," two clubs where wannabe comedians sharpen their chops as they dream of the big time.

al-Zawahri:  "When I found out Bush went to Harvard and Yale, I didn't feel so bad that my son only got in to Afghanistan State."

Other comics said al-Zawahri's taped appearance was an example of the globalization issue hitting home for them. "For years we've been insulated while foreigners took good jobs away from hard-working Americans," said Andy Horowitz between sets at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles. "Most comedians barely scrape by until they get a cable show or a major disease telethon."

"I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for reuniting Martin & Lewis!"

The al-Qaida tape, which is circulating on the internet, shows al-Zawahri opening his act for an audience at an undisclosed location with a variation on an old one-liner: "I just flew in from Cairo--and boy are my arms tired." He then launches into a series of attacks on President Bush, such as "When I found out Bush went to Harvard and Yale, I didn't feel so bad that my son only got into Afghanistan State." The al-Qaida deputy closes with the familiar "Thank you, I'll be here all week! Be sure and tip your waiters but not your waitresses. You can stone them for leaving their homes and working."

"The hours are good, but the tips are lousy."

al-Qaida leaders say they dream of someday seeing a member of their group hosting the Academy Awards or reaching the finals of "Last Comic Standing", but they realize they will be up against some of the top comedians in the world as they try to infiltrate the U.S. funny business. "It will be hard for us to break in," admits al-Zawahri. "Everybody knows the Jews control the American comedy industry."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

IN WAKE OF LOSS TO COLTS, PATRIOTS CUT SUPERSTITIOUS FANS

FOXBORO, Massachusetts.  Five times the New England Patriots had made it to the AFC Championship Game, and five times they had won.  Until Sunday night.

Belichick and Pioli

"It was a tough loss, but we've got to move on," said Scott Pioli, the Patriots' VP of Player Personnel regarding the Indianapolis Colts' 38-34 come-from-behind win over the three-time Super Bowl champions.

Pioli says he and Bill Belichick, the Patriots' notoriously detail-oriented head coach, will be reviewing their depth chart over the next few weeks in an effort to improve the team, and that they won't stop at the sidelines.  "We intend to take a hard look at some of our fans, many of whom have done a great job with their game-day fetishes over the years, but who may have lost a little of their mojo."

"36-42 cover, shoot--ready?  Break!"

In Weymouth, Massachusetts, for example, Brian Shaw has carried the Pats' (as they are referred to affectionately around here) for years with a superstitious routine that involves the same underwear he wore in 1985 when the team "Squished the Fish", defeating the Miami Dolphins 31-14 to advance to Super Bowl XX against the Chicago Bears.  "I've gone from a 36 to a 42 waist in the past two decades," says Shaw, "so the boxers were getting kind of small."  "Frankly, Brian has lost a step," said linebacker Tully Banta-Cain, "and you can't play one-on-one defense against Marvin Harrison with a guy whose underwear is too tight for him."

The Barnacle

In nearby Hull, Massachusetts, a seaside community where locals gather at The Barnacle on Sundays to watch the Patriots on five TV screens, regular Howie Slater has traditionally "held it in" the entire second half in the belief that the football gods look with favor on his sacrifice.  "You look back to the Snow Bowl game against Oakland in 2002, where we got the call on the 'tuck rule'," Slater says.  "I stayed right on my barstool waiting for the replay and the challenge, and I'd been drinking pitchers of Miller Lite all freakin' day," he recalls.  "Ever since, I don't move the whole second half even if I have to pee down my leg."

"I've heard of wet tee-shirt night, but never wet pants leg."

Pioli says there will be a number of interesting free agent fans on the market in the offseason, including Floyd Turnbull, a Broncos' season-ticket holder who refuses to bathe for the entire weekend during football season unless Denver has a bye week.

Shanahan:  "Either get that guy out of the stadium, or get me some Glade Air Freshener!"

"Mike Shanahan has owned the Patriots for the past two seasons, and adding Turnbull could be a difference maker for New England," said ESPN pro football nerd John Clayton.  "It's a move that would be welcomed be Broncos fans, who like to give Turnbull a mile-wide berth at Mile High."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

NBA TAKES STEPS TO CURB BIRTHDAY-RELATED VIOLENCE

NEW YORK.  An altercation between Los Angeles Lakers' center Kwame Brown and a man outside a night club last week has NBA officials' worried that birthday-related violence may set back efforts to make the league more customer-friendly by reducing the frequency of player-on-fan attacks.

Turiaf:  "He said it's his birthday--well it's my birthday too, yeah."

"Ever since the Pistons-Pacers fight, we've been on our guard," said commissioner David Stern.  "It's a National Guard, however, so it only meets once a month."

Stern:  "A chocolate cake?  Sounds like fun!"

The incident occurred at a Hermosa Beach nightclub following the Lakers win over the Orlando Magic on January 12th, when members of the team were celebrating small forward Ronny Turiaf's birthday.  Alexander Martinez, a 5' 9" man who was celebrating his 30th birthday with his wife and friends, emerged from the club at around 2 a.m. holding a $190 chocolate cake.  Brown grabbed the cake and threw it, hitting Martinez in the back.

Jackson:  "Kwame, hit the guard with an outlet pass, not a chocolate cake!"

"That is not something I want Kwame doing," Lakers' coach Phil Jackson said at a press conference the next morning.  "Just give the cake to a guard and let him bring it up the floor."

"This is gonna kill your turnover-to-assist ratio."

Brown said that he meant to hit Turiaf, who had been watching the Martinez party throughout the evening with a mixture of sadness and envy.  "Ronny grew up in France, where they give you these little bitty birthday cakes that look like a croissant or a brioche.  He kept repeating the line from the Beatles' song--'They say it's your birthday, well it's my birthday too, yeah.'  I told him he's a Laker now, and Lakers have big honking birthday cakes."

Artest:  Just wants in on the fun.

NBA officials say they will add extra security for Sacramento Kings' home games for the foreseeable future as small forward Ron Artest has recently grumbled about goodie bags given to children who attend birthday parties at the "Kings Kids Klub" before games.  "Those kids get Airheads, Silly Suckers and Pistol Pete Maravich Pez dispensers.  I've been good--I haven't gone into the stands for a long time.  How come I don't get one?"

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

SEC PROPOSES CHANGE IN "SOPHISTICATED INVESTOR" RULES

WASHINGTON, D.C.  The Securities and Exchange Commission will announce changes to its "sophisticated investor" rules this week in an effort to rein in perceived excesses by hedge funds and other unregistered investment vehicles that regulators fear present a risk to the public.

Securities and Exchange Commission

"A lot of people think they're sophisticated just because they can read a company's financial statements, but it's more complicated than that," said Edward Putnam, an attorney in the agency's enforcement division.  "We solicited comment from the investment community and came up with a more comprehensive list of factors to fit today's markets."  Among the considerations that will now be taken into account are the following:

1.   Has the investor ever seen a foreign movie?  Did it have subtitles or was it dubbed?  Did the investor "get it"?

Jean-Paul Belmondo:  "Would you like to do some . . . uh . . . due diligence on me?"

2.   Can the investor order from the menu in a foreign restaurant?  Twenty points for French, ten points for Chinese, five bonus points if you used chopsticks.

"Ha--look at round eyes pour duck sauce over everything!"

3.   Has the investor ever actually finished "War and Peace"?  "A la recherche du Temps Perdu"?  Compare and contrast.

Proust:  Who ate my madeleine?

4.   Does the investor drive an American car?  Deduct five points for a mini-van, muscle car or pick-up truck.

American muscle car:  "My car can eat your little Renault for breakfast!"

5.   Is the investor's knowledge of international affairs limited to the all-you-can-eat buffet at the International House of Pancakes?

"I would like zee pigs in zee blanket, s'il vous plait."

Putnam said companies that failed to police themselves could face SEC enforcement measures, or "rescission" actions by investors who demand their money back when investors go sour, which he said most companies would find more difficult to deal with.  "If you're going to sell stock to yahoos, the last thing you want is to have them show up on your doorstep with a bunch of sniffling kids and a wife in Big Boy overalls."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

"A PATCH OF PINK--OR GREEN" TELLS SAD TALE OF THE COLOR-BLIND

PARK CITY, Utah.  With the 25th Sundance Film Festival only at its half-way point, audiences and critics are already declaring "A Patch of Pink--or Green" to be the entrant most likely to achieve both artistic and commercial success when it is released later this year.

Sundance Film Festival

"I was in tears from the opening credits until I got up to get some popcorn," said Jenelle Bridges, a film student at the University of Southern California.  "Then as soon as I got back, I started bawling like a baby all over again."

Bridges:  "That was so--freaking--sad!"

"Pink or Green" as festival-goers affectionately refer to it, is the story of Evan Jamison, a color-blind boy who overcomes his handicap to become chief mens' clothes buyer at Filene's, the defunct Boston department store.

Cahiers du Cinema:  If you can't understand this, take it to someone who can.

"It's got everything going for it," said Antoine Ste. Joan, who is covering the festival for Cahiers du Cinema, the high-brow French film magazine.  "A sad story line, lots of ambiguous sexuality and the demise of an American commercial enterprise."