In Virginia, death row inmates get to choose between execution by electric chair or lethal injection. This limited number of choices reflects poorly on the state's creativity. How about death by fireworks, where the criminal is zapped by fireworks from Lady Gaga's bra? Or how about death by boredom, where a prisoner is forced to read the entire 2,000 page House of Representatives health care bill? (Oops, we forgot that "cruel and unusual punishment" is ruled out by the Eighth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.)

Barack Obama goes home to the big butt of Michelle Obama.

I'm waiting for the sequel.

The Supreme Court has refused to hear a case by Native Americans who consider the football team's name to be racist. Why don't the Redskins change their name to something more accurate and less offensive like the DC Colored People or the Washington Negroes?

How bad is the economy? The economy's so bad that 50 Cent changed his name to 25 Cent.

Includes an updated version of a holiday classic, "I'm dreaming of a Sammy Sosa Christmas."

I'm going to wait until "2020" when all the Lasik machines will go beserk and burn everyone's eyes out.

Chinese police are looking for over two million defective condoms.

There's never one around when you need one. If spree killers shot people who really deserved it, they'd be a lot more popular. You're standing in line on your lunch hour to deposit your paycheck at the bank behind a little old lady who doesn't speak English who's trying to transfer her life savings to a relative in a remote mountain village in Kazahkstan that doesn't have a phone – or a bank. That's when you really need a lone wolf killer to make a deposit – of a cap in her ass. Next customer!

You're waiting in line at the 7-11 on a Friday night. All you want to do is buy a six pack, go home and watch “Washington Week in Review” but the guy in front of you is buying 200 lottery tickets. I got your winning number right here: 357.

Or you're in the checkout lane at the grocery store and the woman in front of you wants a price check on crab meat. Hey, bitch, it's crab meat. It's supposed to be expensive. Blam, blam, blam. Cleanup in aisle three.

Inadvertent joke of the day: UK legislator Patrick Harvie in a CNN story about the environmental impact on golf balls: "Keep your balls on the fairway or invest in a stock of biodegradable balls."