Millions of women across the globe were disappointed after Mel Gibson's recent press conference, at which he had promised to finally 'show the world my winkie'. [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: mel+gibson winkie press+conference comedy humor funny fun
Added: Thu, 19 Oct 2006

When you're a fashion hound like me, you get lots of comments on your appearance. Comments like:'Those don't match.''Is that a gravy stain?'And: 'Whoa! Zip that up, there, shorty!'Clearly, these people are just jealous. I bet most of them can't even afford gravy.  [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: News
Keywords: clothes gravy comedy humor funny fun
Added: Fri, 15 Sep 2006

...now that Pluto's been shitcanned. First, a few from the sun outward:Milli Vanilli 'Entertainment' Makes Joe Satriani Upchuck Noisily Most Vampires Enjoy Moo Juice Sucking, Unlike Nosferatu Molestation Vote Expected; Michael Jackson Shuts Up Neverland Muddy Vixens Entertain Men Jiggling Singles Under Noses Militant Vietnamese's Excellent Mary Jane Soothes United Nations More Viewers Expect 'Malfunction'; Janet Says, 'Uh... No' Maxed-out Visa Explained; Mexican Jailbait Stripper Uncovered Nethers My Valet Enjoys Masturbation; Jetta Stains Unbelievably NastyAnd now, a few heading toward that big white ball in the sky (and no, I'm not talking about Tom Arnold's ass on a ladder): Nosy Uncle Sam Just Might Eavesdrop Voice Mails Nonstop Unfettered Sausage Jerking Might Eradicate Vision, Man! Newman Unhands Seinfeld's Junior Mints; Elaine Voraciously Munches Naughty Uncensored Sex Jokes Make Embarassed Virgins Mad 'NattyLight' Usually Satisfies Jesus; Moses Expects Vodka Martinis Nubile Uninhibited Swedes Jumpstart My Engines Very Much News: Uptight Star Jones Messily Eats Van Morrison! Never Underestimate Strip Joint's Most Entertaining Virtue: Mammaries Who says astronomy can't be fun? If just one kid in kindergarten learns the planets with one of these aids, then I'll have done my job. I'll be going to jail, most likely, but I'll have done my job. I'm just trying to give back. [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Tue, 5 Sep 2006

"Before I started using Proactiv Solution, I had way too many pimples to be President." [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: Political
Keywords: bush president acne pimples proactiv comedy humor funny fun
Added: Tue, 5 Sep 2006

"I think I bobbinated when I should have weavipated." [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: Political
Keywords: bush president bruise comedy humor funny fun
Added: Tue, 5 Sep 2006

"I-19." "G-53." "B-2." "BIG! I spelled B-I-G!" "It's BINGO, Mrs. Brown. Not BIG. Keep playing. O-70." "GOBI! GOBI over here!" "I'm sorry, no." "It's a desert! I'm not making it up this time!" "It is a desert, yes. But it's not BINGO. O-68." "B-*sigh*. B-14." "BOOB! BOOB! B-O-O-B, boooooob!" "Mr. Reynolds, no. And let go of Mrs. Harrison's shawl. We've discussed this. N-37." "Nothing? No one has a bingo yet? G-55." "I-22. Anyone?" "N-44?... Meh. Fine, what have you got?" "I got a BOOG." "BIGGIO?" "BOOBING! BOOBING! BOOBING!" "CHECKMATE! King me already, ya mensch, ya." "GIBBON!" "Close enough, GIBBON it is. Extra applesauce for Mrs. Graham tonight. Can we watch Jeopardy now?" [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Fri, 1 Sep 2006

From a recent report on the International Astronomical Union's decision to strip Pluto of its planethood:"It could be argued that we are creating an umbrella called 'planet' under which the dwarf planets exist," she said, drawing laughter by waving a stuffed Pluto of Walt Disney fame beneath a real umbrella."Yes, just what we need in the world of science. More prop comedy. Just super.Also:"Much-maligned Pluto doesn't make the grade under the new rules for a planet: "a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a ... nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit."So while Pluto's out, it looks like Tom Arnold and Camryn Manheim are in. Feel free to congratulate one of our new planets should you run into them. Assuming you can escape their gravitational field, of course. [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Thu, 24 Aug 2006

  While his enthusiasm was commendable, Tom had completely misunderstood his coach's call for 'better ball control'. [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Sat, 19 Aug 2006

My wife bought me a watch last week. It's one of those kinetic jobs -- it winds itself just by moving it around while you wear it.I thought it was pretty cool, until I found out it keeps time faster the more you move it. Turns out my wife was just trying to keep tabs on whether I'm secretly masturbating while she's at work.I just checked it, and the watch is already an hour fast. Also, it thinks its November. In the year 2048.Somehow, I've got to convince her I'm suddenly epileptic, or I'm in big trouble.  [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Wed, 16 Aug 2006

I joined one of those NFL football 'suicide pools' this season.Apparently, we're supposed to pick a different team every week, and if they lose, we're out. I misunderstood the concept, though. For week 1, I picked: John Madden, on the crapper, with a jelly doughnut I still like my chances. [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: Sports
Keywords:
Added: Mon, 14 Aug 2006

Selected Excerpts from Employee Evaluations I Have Received 'Obviously exaggerated skill set on resume.' 'Better suited to a part-time role.' 'Often tardy.' 'Doesn't work well with others; known to snap.' 'Needs simple tasks explained multiple times.' 'Not easily motivated; could be more of a self-starter.' 'Reprimanded several times for inappropriate pinching.' 'Caught repeatedly trying to slip out the back door.' 'Often found sleeping on the job.' 'Prone to slipping out early for a beer.' 'Suggestion: demote to custodial position?' 'Surprisingly thorough.' Selected Excerpts From Comments My Wife Has Made After Sex 'Obviously exaggerated skill set on resume.' 'Better suited to a part-time role.' 'NEVER tardy.' 'Doesn't work well with others; known to bite.' 'Needs simple tasks explained multiple times.' 'Too easily motivated; could be less of a self-finisher.' 'Reprimanded several times for inappropriate pinching.' 'Caught repeatedly trying to slip in the back door.' 'Often found sleeping immediately after the job.' 'Prone to slipping out early for a beer.' 'Suggestion: demote to custodial position?' 'Surprisingly thorough.'  [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Wed, 9 Aug 2006

A girl I work with found out that I've been doing standup comedy. She came up to me the other day and said:"I don't know if I could laugh at your jokes. I respect you too much."So I slept with her. And she laughed, and laughed, and laughed. [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: Entertainment
Keywords:
Added: Tue, 8 Aug 2006

"Honey, bring the Bactine! I 'bent it like Beckham' again." [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: News
Keywords: contest+entry soccer beckham
Added: Sat, 5 Aug 2006

When I was very young, my Uncle Joe died. I had trouble understanding what death meant, so I talked it over with my dad:Me: Hey Dad, where did Uncle Joe go when he died?Dad: Well, son, he went up to Heaven.Me: Oh. Hey, Dad?Dad: Yes, son?Me: Didn't you once tell me that all our relatives who've died are watching over us?Dad: That's right.Me: And didn't you warn me that if I touch myself, they could all see it?Dad: Well... yes. I said that.Me: So is that what Heaven is like?Dad: You know, son -- for your Uncle Joe, it probably is.Well. That cleared things up. And to this day, I wear pants in the shower. [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Fri, 4 Aug 2006

First, there was Vin Diesel.(Yeah, I know. First there was Bill Brasky. Don't interrupt me; I'm building up to something here.)Then, there was Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and Jack Bauer.And now, another modern cult hero goes under the microscope. Ladies and gentlemen, for geeked-out food lovers anywhere, I'm proud to present:Thirty Facts About... Alton Brown#1. Alton Brown grinds his own peppercorns. With his teeth.#2. Alton Brown's chili cheese fries are healthier than raw carrots. Even after he adds the bacon and lard.#3. Alton Brown brushes his teeth with wasabi and gargles with pickle brine. But still his breath smells like lemon merengue.#4. Alton Brown can boil a three-minute egg in thirty-seven seconds.#5. When Alton Brown was born, he collected the hospital slop they'd left for his mother and made it into an zesty, appetizing goulash. The dish fed the entire maternity ward for a week.#6. In the first, as-yet-unaired episode of Iron Chef America, Alton Brown single-handedly defeated an all-star team of Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, and Hiroyuki Sakai. The secret ingredient was 'whimsy'.#7. Alton Brown doesn't reduce sauces. He demoralizes sauces.#8. Alton Brown prepares his fugu blindfolded, with one chopstick and a plastic spork. Alton Brown ain't afraid of no chump neurotoxin.#9. Alton Brown's blender has four speeds: 'stir', 'mix', 'frappe', and 'plasmify'.#10. Alton Brown can split a pineapple in half using only his pinkies. For coconuts, though, he has to use his thumbs.#11. Alton Brown knows where capers come from. And he grows his own, on a Chia pet in the pantry.#12. On Rachel Ray's show, she shows people where to eat for less than forty dollars a day. When Alton Brown eats, people pay him.#13. Alton Brown slices ham so thin, it can only be seen using an electron microscope.#14. Some knives can slice through a tin can and still cut a tomato. Alton Brown's knives can slice through a Pontiac, and still cut a tin can.#15. Grown men have been known to weep for joy in the mere presence of Alton Brown's vinagrette. His hollandaise sauce can kill a man from sheer ecstacy at forty paces.#16. Alton Brown can eat just one Lay's potato chip. If he ever bothered to eat food he didn't make himself, that is.#17. Alton Brown once got carried away slicing carrots, and julienned his cutting board. Undaunted, he sauteed the splinters in olive oil and sp*ces -- and they were delicious.#18. Every Burger King Alton Brown has walked into has immediately closed forever -- try as they might, they simply can't 'do it his way'.#19. Alton Brown can pair a wine with any food -- including hot dogs, ice cream, raw eggs, Alpo, sawdust, and soylent green. It's tasty 'cause it's people!#20. Alton Brown's cakes don't rise. They ascend.#21. Some meats are so tender, they seem to melt in your mouth. Alton Brown's meats are so tender, he's had entire turkeys vanish into thin air.#22. Alton Brown's no saint. But if his chicken Kiev cures one more kid's leprosy, the church will reconsider the evidence.#23. Alton Brown doesn't whip potatoes. Alton Brown's potatoes whip themselves, if they know what's good for them.#24. Alton Brown's other car is the Wienermobile.#25. Alton Brown's show is called 'Good Eats', because 'Multiple Shuddering Mouthgasms' didn't play with the network's target demographic.#26. Alton Brown's freezer operates at minus-twenty-seven degrees. Kelvin.#27. Alton Brown once prepared shrimp gumbo for a cooking competition, using only salt, water, canned Spam, and a packet of Arby's 'Horsey Sauce'. He took second place. He would have won, but one of the judges was allergic to shellfish.#28. Alton Brown can fit three hundred and forty-two cookies on a standard-sized baking sheet. Without any touching.#29. When Alton Brown slices onions, the onions cry.#30. Alton Brown was once asked to participate in a blind orange juice taste test. He was the only person able to successfully identify the brand, style, vintage, temperature, pH level, distance to the orchard, age of the grove trees, and the names of the workers picking the fruit. Including the one who needs to start washing after bathroom breaks.  [more]

Author: Charlie Hatton
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Fri, 4 Aug 2006