stand up jokes. So come see some sublime ones.

Thursday May 24th at 8 pm check out the SEASON FINALE of the
critically-acclaimed comedy variety show, "Fresh Meat with Catie
Lazarus". In the first half, Catie Lazarus (Daily Show, Time Out NY, Fox) hosts Judy Gold (Emmy Award winning writer, Author of 25 Questions for a Jewish Mother), Tom Shillue (Daily Show, Comedy Central Special), Reggie Watts (SuperDeluxe, Andy Kaufman award winner), Dean Edwards (SNL), Bonnie McFarlane (HBO Special) and special guest Bill Burr (The Chappelle Show, Comedy Central Special). In the second half, the stars confess their worst experiences in the biz & first jokes.

GET $5 OFF FOR ONLINE ADVANCE PURCHASES WITH THE CODE FMST!

Comix, 353 West 14th Street (East of 9th Ave.) (A/C/E/L to 14th and M23) $10 and $5 for students. www.comixny.com or 212.524.2500 [more]

Author: Doctor Lazarus
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: comedy live funny news entertainment pop culture political satire parody new york events stand up
Added: Wed, 23 May 2007

FRESH MEAT SCHEDULE FOR SEPT AND OCT!
RESERVE YOUR TIX NOW www.comixny.com for Fresh Meat, 353 West 14th Street, NYC 10014 (east of 9th Ave) Every Tuesday, comedian and writer Catie Lazarus hosts Fresh Meat, an original 90-minute comedy variety show. Come see comedians do stand up and sketch, actors and writers do storytelling and read from their books, cartoonists show poetry (I mean cartoons), singers show cartoons (joke was not funny the first time) and filmmakers show their short films. They will also reveal their worst experiences in the biz and 1st joke they ever thought up.... Stick around for a "press conference," a Q & A where you can ask these sublime comedians, actors, and writers anything your tender heart desires. SEPTEMBER 19th  at 9 pm Debut Show and Catie Lazarus hosts: * Patrick Borelli (ESPN's Cold Pizza, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, www.patrickborrelli.com) * Livia Scott (Late Night with Conan O'Brien, UCB www.livialand.com) * Dave Hill - (Court TV's Smoking Gun, HBO, www.davehillonline.com) * Tom Shillue (1/2 Hour Comedy Central Presents, The Daily Show, www.dailycomedy.com AND www.tomshillue.com) * Tony Zaret (Chanel 101, www.supermasterpiece.com ) SEPTEMBER 26th at 8 pm, Catie Lazarus hosts: * Pete Holmes (VH1's Best Week Ever, Comedy Central's Premium Blend, www.peteholmes.com.) * Ann Carr (Comedy Central's "Motherload", www.myspace.com/anncarr www.peteholmes.com.) * Ann Carr (Comedy Central's "Motherload", www.myspace.com/anncarr * Mike Daisey-(NPR's Day by Day, 21 Dog Years: A Cubedweller's Tale (Free Press) www.mikedaisey.com) * Ted Alexandro (2 Comedy Central 1/2 Hour Specials, HBO's Oz www.tedalexandro.com) * Betsy Wise (Vh1, Groundlings, www.betsywise.com) and Becky Donohue (Comedy Central's Premium Blend, www.beckydonohue.com) 8 pm October 3rd, Catie Lazarus hosts: Baron Vaughn (Live at Gotham, HBO Aspen Comedy Festival) www.myspace/baronvaughn David Rees (character) (Rolling Stone and The Guardian comic strip, Get Your War On, HBO Aspen Festival) www.getyourwaron.com MEAT (UCB, DC Sketch Fest and more) www.meat.com Film by Eric Drysdale (writer, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show) www.edrysdale.com and a surprise guest I can't announce but will be AMAZING! NO SHOW OCTOBER 10th October 17 at 8 pm Amy Sohn (NY Magazine columnist, Run Catch Kiss, My Old Man, HBO Aspen) www.amysohn.com Ben Karlin (Co-writer America (Democracy): A Citizen's Guide, Exec Porducer for The Daily Show and Colbert Report) * Mike Daisey-(NPR's Day by Day, 21 Dog Years: A Cubedweller's Tale (Free Press) www.mikedaisey.com) * Ted Alexandro (2 Comedy Central 1/2 Hour Specials, HBO's Oz www.tedalexandro.com) * Betsy Wise (Vh1, Groundlings, www.betsywise.com) and Becky Donohue (Comedy Central's Premium Blend, www.beckydonohue.com) 8 pm October 3rd, Catie Lazarus hosts: Baron Vaughn (Live at Gotham, HBO Aspen Comedy Festival) www.myspace/baronvaughn David Rees (character) (Rolling Stone and The Guardian comic strip, Get Your War On, HBO Aspen Festival)  www.getyourwaron.com MEAT (UCB, DC Sketch Fest and more) www.meat.com Film by Eric Drysdale (writer, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show) www.edrysdale.com and a surprise guest I can't announce but will be AMAZING! NO SHOW OCTOBER 10th October 17 at 8 pm Amy Sohn (NY Magazine columnist, Run Catch Kiss, My Old Man, HBO Aspen) www.amysohn.com Ben Karlin (Co-writer America (Democracy): A Citizen's Guide, Exec Porducer for The Daily Show and Colbert Report) www.comedycentral.com Kevin Allison (The State, Magnet Theater) www.magnettheater.com Dan Naturman (own 1/2 hour Comedy Central Presents, Letterman, Conan) www.dannaturman.com Short Film by Leo Allen and Eric Slovin (writers SNL and Comedy Centrals Night of a Thousand Stars) www.slovinandallen.com GRACIAS and if you wish to be removed from this mailing list simply write "you are fat" in the subject line. If you have really funny, truly funny short films please also let me know as I have had to turn MANY down. (and yes this photo is meant to be ironic, unless you know of some Latin soaps that need a brilliant but modest, passionate but down to earth, wise but youthful star.....) www.lazarusrising.com catie@lazarusrising.com www.comedycentral.com Kevin Allison (The State, Magnet Theater) www.magnettheater.com Dan Naturman (own 1/2 hour Comedy Central Presents, Letterman, Conan) www.dannaturman.com Short Film by Leo Allen and Eric Slovin (writers SNL and Comedy Centrals Night of a Thousand Stars) www.slovinandallen.com GRACIAS and if you wish to be removed from this mailing list simply write "you are fat" in the subject line. If you have really funny, truly funny short films please also let me know as I have had to turn MANY down. (and yes this photo is meant to be ironic, unless you know of some Latin soaps that need a brilliant but modest, passionate but down to earth, wise but youthful star.....)   [more]

Author: Doctor Lazarus
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Tue, 19 Sep 2006

 Ann Coulter Bites the Teat that Nursed Her The she-devil, Ann Coulter, loves to lambasts the feminsits who made Ms. Coulter’s career possible and “lifestyle” acceptable. A childless, middle-aged career woman, Coulter wears skimpy outfits in hope of selling her sexist, prejudice right wing propoganda. She even attacked women who lost husbands in 9/11 for exploiting their tragedy in Coulter’s “non-fiction” book which exploits their tragedy and 9/11. As a combative Republican, perhaps Coulter should better serve her country on the front lines. She would make a great moving target or hostage. Below is a 1955 advertisement which encourages women to be seen and not heard. In the case of Coulter it might be right on the money. [more]

Author: Doctor Lazarus
Category: Entertainment
Keywords:
Added: Thu, 31 Aug 2006

Did the video upload? http://www.lazarusrising.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/08/CATIELAZARUSchewonthis.mov It is of me "investigating" whether suicide bombers may be taking the wrong antidepressants, which can exacerbate suicidal tendencies. You can also check out www.lazarusrising.com/audio/video  [more]

Author: Doctor Lazarus
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Tue, 29 Aug 2006

I am not sure why women refer to other women as chicks, ladies, girls or bitches. I have never heard guys refer to other males as puppies, gents, boys or bastards. But Chicks and Giggles is mocking that lack o' irony and it is a fun stand up show, so come on out tonight. www.mopitkins. Avenue A between 2nd and 3rd Street at 8 pm and it is fun and free. [more]

Author: Doctor Lazarus
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Tue, 29 Aug 2006

Finally, network TV figures out which nipples are worth censoring! Tommy Lee was asked  by the TV censors to shield viewers from witnessing his droopy man boobs. That said his stretched out tatoos, wiry gray hairs and cracked skin is more tolerable than his awful excuse for music.  Wardrobe Malfunction? From Media Bistro's Fishbowl (FBLA) www.mediabistro.com CBS censors hate Tommy Lee's pierced man nipples. Sources at last night's taping of Rock Star: Supernova tell FBLA that filming stopped when the rocker walked onto the set topless. A wardrobe person handed Tommy a shirt and said, "The censors have spoken." Tommy immediately threw the shirt to the screaming audience, but another crew member retrieved it and made him cover up. Luckily Tommy only had to endure his clothes for a short while. Immediately after the wrap, both he and Dave Navarro stripped out of their shirts like cranky toddlers. [more]

Author: Doctor Lazarus
Category: Entertainment
Keywords:
Added: Tue, 29 Aug 2006

 SATURDAY, AUGUST 26th LAZARUS DOES A LIVE TAPING! Please come see me do a LIVE TAPING  at 7 pm on Saturday, August 26th for audio and video and your laughter and gorgeous (OR NOT) faces will mean so much! It is at 7PM (on the dot we start) at The Peoples Improv Theater, 154 W. 29th Street (btwn 6th and 7th Avenue). Price is $8.00 (you don’t have to be seen but you can and you don’t have to be heard but you should! COME OUT AND LAUGH! IT WILL BE HILARIOUS and may change your life forever) [more]

Author: Doctor Lazarus
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Tue, 22 Aug 2006

I am Jewish. I like being part of an ethnicity, religion and culture whose highest form of giving is to do so anonymously. But there are things we Jews have provided the world with which are unkosher. 1) ARI FLEISCHER, publicist, author and spin doctor You served as President George Bush’s Press Secretary where your job was to spin the truth! It is not your fault that Bush gets so excited when he doesn’t make a grammatical mistake, that he forgets about ethical ones. But it doesn’t excuse your choosing to play his towel boy. Jewish Republicans, how are we related and yet have so little in common? 2) KENNY G., elevator musician Israel could stick Hezbollah militia in a confined, windowless freight elevator and turn up Kenny G. 3) SHMULEY BOTEACH, rabbi, TV producer, actor and sycophant “Rabbi” Shmuley Boteach wears religion on his sleeve and uses his rabbinical credentials to make a quick buck, be it off of Michael Jackson’s child molestation cases or Boteach’s new reality show “Shalom in the Home.” The author of Kosher Sex clearly was not the product of anything of the sort. 4) ALAN DERSHOWITZ, lawyer, professor, and nudist. Every year, Allen Dershowitz lounges in his birthday suit on Lucy Vincent beach in Martha’s Vineyard, where, coincidentally, most of the wealthy beach goers wear bathing suits. Perhaps at Harvard, Dershowitz feesl naked in the eyes of actual intellectuals who scoff at his airport books full of flimsy “facts,” but Dershowitz doesn’t need to then expose himself to innocent, limousine liberals. At least, sir, cross your legs. 5) JOHN STOSSEL, author, news reporteresque and bully Right wing and arrogant TV show hosts who purport to tell objective news but have their own political agenda are never in short supply. Stossell is not unique in blaming the victims, be it of rape and racism and then igniting wrath in those he interviews. His best selling book of propoganda is sure to please the same readers who can’t get enough of Anne Coulter, Bill O’Reilly and other “thinkers.” What would it mean to do unto him as he has done onto others? Perhaps, Stossell can go up against a Smith college rugby team, where gay feminists can tear him a new one. 6) TORI SPELLING, Woman living off of a trust fund, reality TV show star and gossip for a slow news day. Just as a botched nose job sucks, so do mediocre careers! You are a wealthy and healthy young woman who can quit your “acting” gig. Saying no to the 18th bad TV movie and walking away from your self indulgent reality show will be a gift both to yourself and audiences. 7) WOODY ALLEN, comic genius, writer, director, father and brother-in-law to biological son as well as son-in-law to ex-wfe. Woody Allen is as great a comedian as it gets, but that doesn’t mean everything Mr. Allen does is pure genius. Bad writing is bad writing. When it comes from someone who has written brilliant stand up, books, films and satire, it is even more painful to read shlock. So the fact that his pieces in The New Yorker are, at best, incomprehensible means that both the magazine and Mr. Allen may want to think of editing. Impulse control is not a bad thing, even if it means not publishing crap, shtupping your daughter etc. 8) JOE LIEBERMAN, politician, centrist, and Jew It is okay to run as an independent, but not okay to support the current administration. Not because they are Republicans but because they are corrupt. 9) RON SCHEINDER, douchebag The “actor” took out an advertisement in the trades condemning Mel Gibson, saying he would never work with the guy. While I salute anyone who chooses not to work with Mel Gibson as a a political stand, was it ever really an issue? I mean was Mel just praying he could work with Schneider? How about taking out an advertisment promising not to make any more awful movies. 10) JEWS for JESUS, unemployed and underemployed. Jews for Jesus. Newsflash: Jews really wish Jesus had kept his day job and now we are skeptical about whether Jews for Jesus can (and should) secure jobs. PS- My apologies to those who did not make the cut, such as: the father in Capturing the Friedmans who molested his children and their friends; Lizzie Grubman (who ran over poor(er) people because they are poor; and Maury Pauvich, who is his own worst enemy (although Connie Chung's musical theater does not help and nor does philandering with half your production staff.....) Yes, you deserve to be on this list, perhaps more than those who made it, but like life, lists of dubious characters can be unfair. [more]

Author: Doctor Lazarus
Category: Blogs
Keywords: politics comedy religion funny current events female
Added: Mon, 21 Aug 2006

  I too wish I had no inner thighs but suing a department store because a salesperson was trying to help and accidentally pulverized you seems like a better deal. Of course, the poor sales person is now working retail at a place where the clothes are cut by four year olds with down syndrome, or something equally unethical. Calif. woman sues over mannequin attack August 18, 2006 LOS ANGELES –A woman is suing the J.C. Penney Co. after an alleged run-in with a store mannequin that she says left her with a cracked tooth, a bloodied head and recurring shoulder pain. Diana Newton, 51, of Westminster sued the Texas-based retailer last month in Orange County Superior Court, claiming she was cracked in the head by a legless female dummy at its Westminster Mall store. Newton said the incident happened nearly a year ago in the women’s department, as she was shopping for a blouse. The only one in her size was on the mannequin. As a salesclerk was removing the garment, the dummy’s arm flew off and struck Newton’s head, according to her lawsuit. “I felt a burning sensation,” she recalled. Paramedics treated her bleeding scalp at the scene. Newton drove herself home, then had someone take her to a hospital for further treatment. The blow also cracked a molar, which led to a root canal, she said. The suit seeks unspecified damages. A spokeswoman for J.C. Penney said the company doesn’t comment on pending litigation. [more]

Author: Doctor Lazarus
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Sun, 20 Aug 2006

One might assume that after the 1,345,765,211 email scam about investments did not get answered, word would get around that randomly propositioning rimme69@hotmail.com doesn’t result in fast cash. Forget about the typos and, of course, insane premise of these 70, 000 word “meet and greet” introductory letters, I am tickled by the audacity to ask a perfect stranger for complete confidence and trust. The only thing that scammer #4,567,328 can TRUST is that I, like anyone with a pulse, finds spam infuriating. Spending an entire morning deleting spam makes eating it sound appealing. BELOW IS A MORE RECENT SCAM LETTER Good day, I am David Scott of International Private Banking at Bristol & West Bank. I am contacting you concerning a deceased customer and an investment he placed under our banks management three years ago. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this mail. I contacted you independently of our investigation and no one is informed of this communication. I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you. In 2002, the subject matter; came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our private banking division. He informed us that he had a financial portfolio of eight million three hundred and fifty thousand united states dollars, which he wished to have us turn over (invest) on his behalf. I was the officer assigned to his case; I made numerous suggestions in line with my duties as the de-facto chief operations officer of the private banking sector, especially given the volume of funds he wished to put into our bank. We met on numerous occasions prior to any investments being placed. I encouraged him to consider various growth funds with prime ratings. The favored route in my advice to customers is to start by assessing data on 6000 traditional stocks and bond managers and 2000 managers of alternative investments. Based on my advice, we spun the money around various opportunities and made attractive margins for our first months of operation, the accrued profit and interest stood at this point at over ten million United States Dollars, this margin was not the full potential of the fund but he desired low risk guarantied returns on investments. In mid 2003, he asked that the money be liquidated because he needed to make an urgent investment requiring cash payments in here in the United Kingdom. He directed that I liquidate the funds and deposit it with a security firm in here London. I informed him that HSBC would have to make special arrangements to have this done and in order not to circumvent due process, the bank would have to make a 9.5 % deduction from the funds to cater for banking and statutory charges. He complained about the charges but later came around when I explained to him the complexities of the task he was asking of us. Cash movement across boarders has become especially strict since the incidents of 9/11. I contacted my affiliate here in London and made the funds available to the security firm. I undertook all the processes and made sure I followed his precise instructions to the letter and had the funds deposited at the London based security consultancy firm, Mayfair Securities Co. Mayfair Securities Co is a specialist private firm that accepts deposits from high net worth individuals and blue chip corporations that handle valuable products or undertake transactions that need immediate access to cash. This small and highly private organization is familiar especially to the highly placed and well-connected organizations. In line with instructions, the money was deposited with Mayfair Securities Co. The deceased told me he wanted the money there in anticipation of his arrival from Norway later that week. This was the last communication we had, this transpired around 25th February 2004. In march this year, we got a call from Mayfair Securities Co informing us that the activity of that particular portfolio. This was an astounding position as far as I was concerned, given the fact that I managed the private banking sector I was the only one who knew about the deposit at Mayfair Securities Co, and I could not understand why the deceased had not come forward to claim his deposit. I made futile efforts to locate the deceased. I immediately passed the task of locating him to the internal investigations department of Bristol & West. Four days later, information started to trickle in, apparently our client was dead. A person who suited his description was declared dead of a heart attack in Cannes, South of France. We were soon enough able to identify the body and cause of death was confirmed. The bank immediately launched an investigation into possible surviving next of kin to alert about the situation and also to come forward to claim his estate. If you are familiar with private banking affairs, those who patronize our services usually prefer anonymity, but also some levels of detachment from conventional processes. In his bio-data form, he listed no next of kin. In the field of private banking, opening an account with us means no one will know of its existence, accounts are rarely held under a name; depositors use numbers and codes to make the accounts anonymous. This bank also gives the choice to depositors of having their mail sent to them or held at the bank itself, ensuring that there are no traces of the account and as I said, rarely do they nominate next of kin. Private banking clients apart from not nominating next of kin also usually in most cases leave wills in our care, in this case; the deceased died without a testate. In line with our internal processes for account holders who have passed away, we instituted our own investigations in good faith to determine who should have right to claim the estate. This investigation has for the past months been unfruitful. We have scanned every continent and used our private investigation affiliate companies to get to the root of the problem. It is this investigation that resulted in my being furnished with your details as a possible relative of the deceased. My official capacity dictates that I am the only party to supervise the investigation and the only party to receive the results of the investigation. What this means, you being the last batch of names we have considered, is that our dear late fellow died with no known or identifiable family member. This leaves me as the only person with the full picture of what the prevailing situation is in relation to the deposit and the late beneficiary of the deposit. According to practice, Mayfair Securities Co will by the end of this financial year broadcast a request for statements of claim to Bristol & West, failing to receive viable claims they will most probabl [more]

Author: Doctor Lazarus
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Sat, 19 Aug 2006

 If I were a transgendered youth (and I am not saying I am not a youth), I might be confused by the likes of a flat chested she-boy with long flaxen locks. That said, I fear she may scar more than youth with gender identity issues with her dumb and dippy comments. Hudson started a sentence on national TV with “my publicist says” and then ends it with her describing her fetish for pole dancing. I should be impressed that she was able to string a sentence together, but I am still underwhelmed by her choice to then disclose that she was late for class in high school because she was getting a bikini wax. I cannot tell if she is trying too hard at being sexy or that she really is this trite. Either way, it was too much information. That and the fact that she wears barely any clothes to show off her prepubescent male chest. In the end, listening to her drivel on The Tonight Show drove home that someone with the brain the size of a pea can make 70 trillion times more than you and me. [more]

Author: Doctor Lazarus
Category: Entertainment
Keywords:
Added: Fri, 18 Aug 2006

I love these self-indulgent aphorisms you can find on iced tea bottle caps to labels on yoga pants, where washing instructions might otherwise be found. The aphorisms are best when they tell you how to be you, like "listen to YOUR instincts," except of course you have to listen to THEIR instincts. Or when the aphorism tells you how to be free and independent, by buying a bottle of overpriced, stale tea. I like when the bottle cap (or yoga pants) tells you to “Trust yourself and silence your inner critic”. But isn’t important to trust that inner critic? Isn’t that same potentially self hating inner critic also recommending you NOT look to bottle caps for advice. Oh well, I suppose one bottle cap can’t hurt....Here are my favorite for now and if you find other aphorisms send them my way. Also maybe leave your contact info, so I can let the nearest mental health facility know where to find you. "Self-contempt merely keeps us miserable and stuck in our mediocrity." (Actually mediocrity keeps you stucuk in mediocrity, self-contempt is just the realistic response to being mediocre. For eg, Lindsay Lohan is a mediocre actor and self-contempt would be a realistic response. Her having anal sex till she bleeds with every B list actor is like a lateral move on the self loathing scale. )"If we were to make only one change to transform the quality of our lives, we might try sending a little love our own way." (We could also work on health care, inflation and maybe that little war thingy dingy before we start wasting money on roses. I really think this quote is basically saying you will have to spank your own monkey anyway, so just cut out the whole crush, spending money on dates etc...)“A critic is a legless man who teaches running.” (This jack ass is not only nonsensical, but he is making fun of poor legless men. Definitely seems critical to me, I wouldn't want him at some Sally and Sherman Buttersworth Senior Center family picnic.) [more]

Author: Doctor Lazarus
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Thu, 17 Aug 2006