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Doctor Lazarus
"For Real Highs! Lose Your Inner Thighs!"
Beverly Hills, CA
      
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 stand up jokes. So come see some sublime ones.
Thursday May 24th at 8 pm check out the SEASON FINALE of the
critically-acclaimed comedy variety show, "Fresh Meat with Catie
Lazarus". In the first half, Catie Lazarus (Daily Show, Time Out NY, Fox) hosts Judy Gold (Emmy Award winning writer, Author of 25 Questions for a Jewish Mother), Tom Shillue (Daily Show, Comedy Central Special), Reggie Watts (SuperDeluxe, Andy Kaufman award winner), Dean Edwards (SNL), Bonnie McFarlane (HBO Special) and special guest Bill Burr (The Chappelle Show, Comedy Central Special). In the second half, the stars confess their worst experiences in the biz & first jokes.
GET $5 OFF FOR ONLINE ADVANCE PURCHASES WITH THE CODE FMST!
Comix, 353 West 14th Street (East of 9th Ave.) (A/C/E/L to 14th and M23) $10 and $5 for students. www.comixny.com or 212.524.2500
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RESERVE YOUR TIX NOW www.comixny.com for Fresh Meat, 353 West 14th Street, NYC 10014 (east of 9th Ave) Every Tuesday, comedian and writer Catie Lazarus hosts Fresh Meat, an original 90-minute comedy variety show. Come see comedians do stand up and sketch, actors and writers do storytelling and read from their books, cartoonists show poetry (I mean cartoons), singers show cartoons (joke was not funny the first time) and filmmakers show their short films. They will also reveal their worst experiences in the biz and 1st joke they ever thought up.... Stick around for a "press conference," a Q & A where you can ask these sublime comedians, actors, and writers anything your tender heart desires. SEPTEMBER 19th at 9 pm Debut Show and Catie Lazarus hosts:
* Patrick Borelli (ESPN's Cold Pizza, Late Night with Conan O'Brien,
www.patrickborrelli.com)
* Livia Scott (Late Night with Conan O'Brien, UCB www.livialand.com)
* Dave Hill - (Court TV's Smoking Gun, HBO, www.davehillonline.com)
* Tom Shillue (1/2 Hour Comedy Central Presents, The Daily Show, www.dailycomedy.com AND www.tomshillue.com)
* Tony Zaret (Chanel 101, www.supermasterpiece.com ) SEPTEMBER 26th at 8 pm, Catie Lazarus hosts:
* Pete Holmes (VH1's Best Week Ever, Comedy Central's Premium Blend,
www.peteholmes.com.)
* Ann Carr (Comedy Central's "Motherload", www.myspace.com/anncarr
www.peteholmes.com.)
* Ann Carr (Comedy Central's "Motherload", www.myspace.com/anncarr
* Mike Daisey-(NPR's Day by Day, 21 Dog Years: A Cubedweller's Tale (Free Press) www.mikedaisey.com)
* Ted Alexandro (2 Comedy Central 1/2 Hour Specials, HBO's Oz
www.tedalexandro.com)
* Betsy Wise (Vh1, Groundlings, www.betsywise.com) and Becky Donohue (Comedy Central's Premium Blend, www.beckydonohue.com) 8 pm October 3rd, Catie Lazarus hosts:
Baron Vaughn (Live at Gotham, HBO Aspen Comedy Festival) www.myspace/baronvaughn
David Rees (character) (Rolling Stone and The Guardian comic strip, Get Your War On, HBO Aspen Festival) www.getyourwaron.com
MEAT (UCB, DC Sketch Fest and more) www.meat.com
Film by Eric Drysdale (writer, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show) www.edrysdale.com
and a surprise guest I can't announce but will be AMAZING! NO SHOW OCTOBER 10th  October 17 at 8 pm
Amy Sohn (NY Magazine columnist, Run Catch Kiss, My Old Man, HBO Aspen)
www.amysohn.com
Ben Karlin (Co-writer America (Democracy): A Citizen's Guide, Exec Porducer for The Daily Show and Colbert Report)
* Mike Daisey-(NPR's Day by Day, 21 Dog Years: A Cubedweller's Tale (Free Press) www.mikedaisey.com)
* Ted Alexandro (2 Comedy Central 1/2 Hour Specials, HBO's Oz
www.tedalexandro.com)
* Betsy Wise (Vh1, Groundlings, www.betsywise.com) and Becky Donohue (Comedy Central's Premium Blend, www.beckydonohue.com) 8 pm October 3rd, Catie Lazarus hosts:
Baron Vaughn (Live at Gotham, HBO Aspen Comedy Festival) www.myspace/baronvaughn
David Rees (character) (Rolling Stone and The Guardian comic strip, Get Your War On, HBO Aspen Festival) www.getyourwaron.com
MEAT (UCB, DC Sketch Fest and more) www.meat.com
Film by Eric Drysdale (writer, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show) www.edrysdale.com
and a surprise guest I can't announce but will be AMAZING! NO SHOW OCTOBER 10th October 17 at 8 pm
Amy Sohn (NY Magazine columnist, Run Catch Kiss, My Old Man, HBO Aspen)
www.amysohn.com
Ben Karlin (Co-writer America (Democracy): A Citizen's Guide, Exec Porducer for The Daily Show and Colbert Report) www.comedycentral.com
Kevin Allison (The State, Magnet Theater) www.magnettheater.com
Dan Naturman (own 1/2 hour Comedy Central Presents, Letterman, Conan) www.dannaturman.com
Short Film by Leo Allen and Eric Slovin (writers SNL and Comedy Centrals Night of a Thousand Stars) www.slovinandallen.com GRACIAS and if you wish to be removed from this mailing list simply write "you are fat" in the subject line. If you have really funny, truly funny short films please also let me know as I have had to turn MANY down. (and yes this photo is meant to be ironic, unless you know of some Latin soaps that need a brilliant but modest, passionate but down to earth, wise but youthful star.....) www.lazarusrising.com catie@lazarusrising.com www.comedycentral.com
Kevin Allison (The State, Magnet Theater) www.magnettheater.com
Dan Naturman (own 1/2 hour Comedy Central Presents, Letterman, Conan) www.dannaturman.com
Short Film by Leo Allen and Eric Slovin (writers SNL and Comedy Centrals Night of a Thousand Stars) www.slovinandallen.com GRACIAS and if you wish to be removed from this mailing list simply write "you are fat" in the subject line. If you have really funny, truly funny short films please also let me know as I have had to turn MANY down. (and yes this photo is meant to be ironic, unless you know of some Latin soaps that need a brilliant but modest, passionate but down to earth, wise but youthful star.....) 
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I am Jewish. I like being part of an ethnicity, religion and culture whose highest form of giving is to do so anonymously. But there are things we Jews have provided the world with which are unkosher. 1) ARI FLEISCHER, publicist, author and spin doctor 
You served as President George Bush’s Press Secretary where your job was to spin the truth! It is not your fault that Bush gets so excited when he doesn’t make a grammatical mistake, that he forgets about ethical ones. But it doesn’t excuse your choosing to play his towel boy. Jewish Republicans, how are we related and yet have so little in common? 2) KENNY G., elevator musician
 Israel could stick Hezbollah militia in a confined, windowless freight elevator and turn up Kenny G. 3) SHMULEY BOTEACH, rabbi, TV producer, actor and sycophant
 “Rabbi” Shmuley Boteach wears religion on his sleeve and uses his rabbinical credentials to make a quick buck, be it off of Michael Jackson’s child molestation cases or Boteach’s new reality show “Shalom in the Home.” The author of Kosher Sex clearly was not the product of anything of the sort.
4) ALAN DERSHOWITZ, lawyer, professor, and nudist.
 Every year, Allen Dershowitz lounges in his birthday suit on Lucy Vincent beach in Martha’s Vineyard, where, coincidentally, most of the wealthy beach goers wear bathing suits. Perhaps at Harvard, Dershowitz feesl naked in the eyes of actual intellectuals who scoff at his airport books full of flimsy “facts,” but Dershowitz doesn’t need to then expose himself to innocent, limousine liberals. At least, sir, cross your legs. 5) JOHN STOSSEL, author, news reporteresque and bully
 Right wing and arrogant TV show hosts who purport to tell objective news but have their own political agenda are never in short supply. Stossell is not unique in blaming the victims, be it of rape and racism and then igniting wrath in those he interviews. His best selling book of propoganda is sure to please the same readers who can’t get enough of Anne Coulter, Bill O’Reilly and other “thinkers.” What would it mean to do unto him as he has done onto others? Perhaps, Stossell can go up against a Smith college rugby team, where gay feminists can tear him a new one. 6) TORI SPELLING, Woman living off of a trust fund, reality TV show star and gossip for a slow news day.
 Just as a botched nose job sucks, so do mediocre careers! You are a wealthy and healthy young woman who can quit your “acting” gig. Saying no to the 18th bad TV movie and walking away from your self indulgent reality show will be a gift both to yourself and audiences. 7) WOODY ALLEN, comic genius, writer, director, father and brother-in-law to biological son as well as son-in-law to ex-wfe. 
Woody Allen is as great a comedian as it gets, but that doesn’t mean everything Mr. Allen does is pure genius. Bad writing is bad writing. When it comes from someone who has written brilliant stand up, books, films and satire, it is even more painful to read shlock. So the fact that his pieces in The New Yorker are, at best, incomprehensible means that both the magazine and Mr. Allen may want to think of editing. Impulse control is not a bad thing, even if it means not publishing crap, shtupping your daughter etc.
8) JOE LIEBERMAN, politician, centrist, and Jew 
It is okay to run as an independent, but not okay to support the current administration. Not because they are Republicans but because they are corrupt. 9) RON SCHEINDER, douchebag
 The “actor” took out an advertisement in the trades condemning Mel Gibson, saying he would never work with the guy. While I salute anyone who chooses not to work with Mel Gibson as a a political stand, was it ever really an issue? I mean was Mel just praying he could work with Schneider? How about taking out an advertisment promising not to make any more awful movies. 10) JEWS for JESUS, unemployed and underemployed.
Jews for Jesus. Newsflash: Jews really wish Jesus had kept his day job and now we are skeptical about whether Jews for Jesus can (and should) secure jobs.
PS- My apologies to those who did not make the cut, such as: the father in Capturing the Friedmans who molested his children and their friends; Lizzie Grubman (who ran over poor(er) people because they are poor; and Maury Pauvich, who is his own worst enemy (although Connie Chung's musical theater does not help and nor does philandering with half your production staff.....) Yes, you deserve to be on this list, perhaps more than those who made it, but like life, lists of dubious characters can be unfair.
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I too wish I had no inner thighs but suing a department store because a salesperson was trying to help and accidentally pulverized you seems like a better deal. Of course, the poor sales person is now working retail at a place where the clothes are cut by four year olds with down syndrome, or something equally unethical.
Calif. woman sues over mannequin attack August 18, 2006 LOS ANGELES –A woman is suing the J.C. Penney Co. after an alleged run-in with a store mannequin that she says left her with a cracked tooth, a bloodied head and recurring shoulder pain. Diana Newton, 51, of Westminster sued the Texas-based retailer last month in Orange County Superior Court, claiming she was cracked in the head by a legless female dummy at its Westminster Mall store. Newton said the incident happened nearly a year ago in the women’s department, as she was shopping for a blouse. The only one in her size was on the mannequin. As a salesclerk was removing the garment, the dummy’s arm flew off and struck Newton’s head, according to her lawsuit. “I felt a burning sensation,” she recalled. Paramedics treated her bleeding scalp at the scene. Newton drove herself home, then had someone take her to a hospital for further treatment. The blow also cracked a molar, which led to a root canal, she said. The suit seeks unspecified damages. A spokeswoman for J.C. Penney said the company doesn’t comment on pending litigation.
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One might assume that after the 1,345,765,211 email scam about investments did not get answered, word would get around that randomly propositioning rimme69@hotmail.com doesn’t result in fast cash. Forget about the typos and, of course, insane premise of these 70, 000 word “meet and greet” introductory letters, I am tickled by the audacity to ask a perfect stranger for complete confidence and trust. The only thing that scammer #4,567,328 can TRUST is that I, like anyone with a pulse, finds spam infuriating. Spending an entire morning deleting spam makes eating it sound appealing.
BELOW IS A MORE RECENT SCAM LETTER Good day,
I am David Scott of International Private
Banking at Bristol & West Bank. I am contacting you
concerning a deceased customer and an investment he
placed under our banks management three years ago. I
would respectfully request that you keep the contents
of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of
the information you come by as a result of this mail.
I contacted you independently of our investigation and
no one is informed of this communication. I would like
to intimate you with certain facts that I believe
would be of interest to you. In 2002, the subject
matter; came to our bank to engage in business
discussions with our private banking division. He
informed us that he had a financial portfolio of eight
million three hundred and fifty thousand united states
dollars, which he wished to have us turn over (invest)
on his behalf. I was the officer assigned to his case;
I made numerous suggestions in line with my duties as
the de-facto chief operations officer of the private
banking sector, especially given the volume of funds
he wished to put into our bank. We met on numerous
occasions prior to any investments being placed. I
encouraged him to consider various growth funds with
prime ratings. The favored route in my advice to
customers is to start by assessing data on 6000
traditional stocks and bond managers and 2000 managers
of alternative investments. Based on my advice, we
spun the money around various opportunities and made
attractive margins for our first months of operation,
the accrued profit and interest stood at this point at
over ten million United States Dollars, this margin
was not the full potential of the fund but he desired
low risk guarantied returns on investments.
In mid 2003, he asked that the money be liquidated
because he needed to make an urgent investment
requiring cash payments in here in the United Kingdom.
He directed that I liquidate the funds and deposit it
with a security firm in here London. I informed him
that HSBC would
have to make special arrangements to have this done
and in order not to circumvent due process, the bank
would have to make a 9.5 % deduction from the funds to
cater for banking and statutory charges. He complained
about the charges but later came around when I
explained to him the complexities of the task he was
asking of us. Cash movement across boarders has become
especially strict since the incidents of 9/11. I
contacted my affiliate here in London and made the
funds available to the security firm. I undertook all
the processes and made sure I followed his precise
instructions to the letter and had the funds deposited
at the London based security consultancy firm, Mayfair
Securities Co. Mayfair Securities Co is a specialist
private firm that accepts deposits from high net worth
individuals and blue chip corporations that handle
valuable products or undertake transactions that need
immediate access to cash. This small and highly
private organization is familiar especially to the
highly placed and well-connected organizations. In
line with instructions, the money was deposited with
Mayfair Securities Co. The deceased told me he wanted
the money there in anticipation of his arrival from
Norway later that week. This was the last
communication we had, this transpired around 25th
February 2004.
In march this year, we got a call from Mayfair
Securities Co informing us that the activity of that
particular portfolio. This was an astounding position
as far as I was concerned, given the fact that I
managed the private banking sector I was the only one
who knew about the deposit at Mayfair Securities Co,
and I could not understand why the deceased had not
come forward to claim his deposit. I made futile
efforts to locate the deceased. I immediately passed
the task of locating him to the internal
investigations department of Bristol & West. Four days
later, information started to trickle in, apparently
our client was dead. A person who suited his
description was declared dead of a heart attack in
Cannes, South of France.
We were soon enough able to identify the body and
cause of death was confirmed. The bank immediately
launched an investigation into possible surviving next
of kin to alert about the situation and also to come
forward to claim his estate. If you are familiar with
private banking affairs, those who patronize our
services usually prefer anonymity, but also some
levels of detachment from conventional processes. In
his bio-data form, he listed no next of kin. In the
field of private banking, opening an account with us
means no one will know of its existence, accounts are
rarely held under a name; depositors use numbers and
codes to make the accounts anonymous. This bank also
gives the choice to depositors of having their mail
sent to them or held at the bank itself, ensuring that
there are no traces of the account and as I said,
rarely do they nominate next of kin. Private banking
clients apart from not nominating next of kin also
usually in most cases leave wills in our care, in this
case; the deceased died without a testate.
In line with our internal processes for account
holders who have passed away, we instituted our own
investigations in good faith to determine who should
have right to claim the estate. This investigation has
for the past months been unfruitful. We have scanned
every continent and used our private investigation
affiliate companies to get to the root of the problem.
It is this investigation that resulted in my being
furnished with your details as a possible relative of
the deceased. My official capacity dictates that I am
the only party to supervise the investigation and the
only party to receive the results of the
investigation. What this means, you being the last
batch of names we have considered, is that our dear
late fellow died with no known or identifiable family
member. This leaves me as the only person with the
full picture of what the prevailing situation is in
relation to the deposit and the late beneficiary of
the deposit.
According to practice, Mayfair Securities Co will by
the end of this financial year broadcast a request for
statements of claim to Bristol & West, failing to
receive viable claims they will most probabl
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Doctor Lazarus is America's #1 Carer- check out her website at www.doctorlazarus.com to become a better you.
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The she-devil, Ann Coulter, loves to lambasts the feminsits who made Ms. Coulter’s career possible and “lifestyle” acceptable. A childless, middle-aged career woman, Coulter wears skimpy outfits in hope of selling her sexist, prejudice right wing propoganda. She even attacked women who lost husbands in 9/11 for exploiting their tragedy in Coulter’s “non-fiction” book which exploits their tragedy and 9/11. As a combative Republican, perhaps Coulter should better serve her country on the front lines. She would make a great moving target or hostage. 
CBS censors hate Tommy Lee's pierced man nipples. Sources at last night's taping of 
