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"when the demon is at your door, in the morning it won't be there no more, any major dude will tell you."
Male
Registered on: 08/27/07
Location:
San Francisco, CA
URL: http://www.dailycomedy.com/u/BenFeldman
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Biography:
Hey kids! I'm four parts white on my parents side. I was born with taste buds on my penis (which is usually quite enjoyable except when I burn it on pizza). Yep, you guessed right - my comedy is really fricking stupid. What's it to you?
Come to my LAUGH ORGY evere second Wednesday of the monthy at Grant & Green Saloon in North Beach San Francisco starting at 9pm.
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Page Views: 494
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Jokes: 7
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Videos: 0
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Comments: 1
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Fans: 2
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 Washington, D.C. - Hours after being sworn in as the 44th president of the United States, President Hillary Rodham Clinton ordered White House staff to "immediately stop what you are doing" and incinerate any and all cigars or cigar paraphernalia they could find, "including any chocolate ones!"
Madam President then replaced the more than a thousand incinerated cigars with a cartload of fresh, brand-spanking new cigars she purchased herself at a Georgetown humidor.
"I saw the shrink-wrap come off the UPS box with my own eyes" exclaimed a visibly relieved President Hillary Clinton.
First-husband President Bill Clinton will be issued a key to the White House humidor, although entrance will require a retinal scan from Madam President.
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 Hollywood, CA - Road-comedian Billy Spado, 43, raised the standup comedy bar to staggering new heights on Tuesday at Hollywood's own The Comedy Store with brilliantly hilarious cracks about the US-Mexican border, as well as Britney Spears recent performance at the VMA awards show. Spado's unique style of observational humor left the 90-person audience breathless from laughter.
"Bush should build a wall along the Mexican border to keep out illegal immigrants. And you know who's gonna build that wall? The illegal Mexican immigrants, that's who!" Spado exclaimed to a cheering crowd.
Spado's crack about Spears' VMA performance was a stunningly brilliant sight gag that we can't really put into words, but trust us, it absolutely slaughtered the crowd.
Spado will be here all week.
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 Madrid, Spain - Thom Yorke, brooding frontman of British pop sensation Radiohead, is fed up with his new PC laptop.
"It's f**king shite" exclaimed Yorke, 38, as he attempted to install a new USB hardrive to back up some really choice photos.
Yorke and Radiohead reached explosive heights of success with their 1997 release "OK Computer", reaching #1 on the UK Album Charts.
"The bloody USB ports are all bloody jammed! It's a brand f**king new computer!" continued Yorke.
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 San Francisco, CA - Gary Adams, 43, gay, finally realized his lifelong dream to own and operate a gay bar in the heart of the gay district of San Francisco known as the Castro. Never in his worst nightmares would he have imagined how difficult it would be to stay afloat in the dog-eat-dog world of gay bar ownership.
"I opened The Closet for business in June 2006, just in time for the gay pride parade. Guys swarmed the place and we literally cleaned up. I was all 'Hey boys! Come on in and enjoy!'. And enjoy they did."
Adams had a steady stream of business for a few months, but soon realized he never saw the same faces returning.
"It was always new faces coming in, but never coming back. A guy will come here and drink, flirt, have fun, whatevers, but then once he comes out of The Closet, that's it. There's no return. It's just so damned frustrating."
Adams says he's thinking about shutting down The Closet and sub-letting the space to clothier The Gap.
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 Omaha, NE - Homemaker Susan Parker, 32, breathed a huge sigh of relief yesterday when police returned her missing son Bobby, 4, safely home wearing his missing left sock. Bobby's return was all too predictable as this was the fifth time in as many weeks he went missing. This return, however, was especially relieving for Mrs. Parker when she realized her son had returned wearing a SpongeBob SquarePants sock that had been missing since his first jaunt to god knows where.
"He won those socks at the county fair playing ring toss with his daddy, and well, we was hoping to get that other sock back since it gone missing. He darn cried about it for days and I almost couldn't take it no more."
Mrs. Parker refrained to comment further when she became visibly upset while darning the missing sock.
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 San Francisco, CA - Popular website Craigslist.com announced their acquisition today of the far less popular Schindler's list, a roster of German Jews whose lives were protected from the Nazis by German businessman Oskar Schindler during World War II. It is unclear how Craigslist will incorporate the new asset into its foray of classified ads and discussion forums, although it's rumored that site editors will periodically post the list of names next to relatively banal, whiny, or otherwise vacuous ramblings in the user forums and dating ads to put things in perspective. In a related story, Dreamworks Pictures has just inked a deal with British actor Ralph Fiennes to play the part of Craiglist founder and Nazi war criminal Craig Newmark in Steven Spielberg's long awaited sequel "Craig's List Too."
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Beth Schumann says:
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Welcome! I expect great things.
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NHL Commissioner Pleads Guilty To Manfighting Ring Charges
