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Live Show News: PunchlineMagazine.com's 3rd Anniversary Show with Greg Giraldo, Robert Kelly, Laurie Kilmartin, Ray Ellin, Christian Finnegan and more! October 7, 2008 at 8 PM ET Comix, NY
Get tickets now! or Call (212) 524-2500.
  
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"Presenting the Superfox of Standup"
Registered on: 10/29/06
Location:
nyc, NY
URL: http://www.dailycomedy.com/u/AprilBrucker
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Biography:
I am a standup comedian/ventriloquist/actress living in the Big Apple.I also work the road. Check me out fools at www.aprilbrucker.comThanks,April
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Page Views: 1241
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Jokes: 162
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Videos: 0
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Comments: 0
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Fans: 1
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Just in, yesterday Britney Spears was dining in Bretwood, CA when a woman told her to, "Get out of town."
To which Britney replied, "Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know, that something wasnt right here?"
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Just in, a woman in France got arrested for kissing a picture. She said she just wanted to show the artist how much she loved it. Well m'am, in the modern world that is more traditionally done when you buy the painting.
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I recently heard there was a midget hooker. Apparently she was turning half tricks.
I mean, poor thing, what if she got raped. Court would be rough. Because it aint rape if they're only half a person.
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Determination- I met a guy who ran out of gas for his blow torch to light his crack pipe. So he stuck his head in the oven to light up instead. That was one drug addict on a mission.
Sense of Humor-I met another guy who's woman walked in on him shooting up and he told her it was insulin. The excuse and the reaction of the heroin....sweet.
Ability to Get the Job Done-Everyone asked me why I did speed. They said, "It could give you a heart attack." That may be so. But I could clean the house and mow the lawn faster than any Mexican
Bargining-My other buddy was an automechanic. So he told his dealer he would soup up his car in exchange for drugs. My buddy got whatever he wanted under the moon and his dealer got some fancy new rims.
Ability to improvise-Folks, you know you are chemically dependant when you consider Nyquil a beverage. And you wont drink the Mr. Clean not cause its ammonia. Its cause you dont like lemons. However, the windex has a nice blueberry taste.
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People are saying that the Britney Spears fiasco is insignificant compared to the war in Iraq. I couldnt agree more. So why not show her disasterous clip to the enemies?
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They recently discovered treasure under an outhouse. Folks, if I knew shit turned to gold I would have kept all my old Bobby Brown Albums
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10. Tell your man you dont want love, you want money. Money may not be able to buy you love, but it will buy you Prozac. That way you can at least smile when you see his deadbeat ass.
9. Tell your man that the relationship is all about you because you make it look good. He just has to do all the nasty grunt work.
8. There is one pet name he can give you: Master.
7. Tell him there are two things he can do to make you happy: Be seen and not heard.
6. Accuse him of cheating for fun. Make him jump and run around like a Mexican jumping bean. Dont feel too bad. He probably is anyway.
5. You have a pair of stillettoes right? If he disobeys kick him where it hurts.
4. Just periodically hit him. Hey, he's a man. He's gotta learn the hard way.
3. When he really screws up make him sleep outside. Remember, men are dogs.
2. Belittle him just for fun in front of his friends. Its okay. Men dont have feelings.
1. If all else fails call April Brucker and May. They'll show him who's boss.
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10. Curious George Gets Ebola
9. The Little Engine That Could...The Miracles of Crystal Meth
8. Alexanders No Good Very Bad Day in the Prison Shower
7. Good Night Moon, Now the Old Jamacian Has to Stop Mooning Us
6. Clifford Gets Rabies
5. The Bernstein Bears Mull the Tourists
4. Little Red and Big Bad Wolf Action
3. Little Bo Peep Gets Hungry and Eats Her Sheep
2. Is Your Mama a Llama.....no bitch she aint
1. Reasons to Stay in school.....if you dont you could become like April Brucker
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