PHOENIX — A charter school alerted authorities to a 29-year-old sex offender who tried to enroll there, pretending he was just 12. Fellow students suspected he was much older after it was discovered he was inept at using Myspace.

The Homeland Security Department estimates that about one in four Americans has a passport. Some people have balked at the $97 price tag. Yet one in four Americans owns a large-screen TV, on which they can see pictures of terrorists and curse them out for making the world unsafe before flipping to the Food Network.

A simple acronym entered into people’s cellphone listings, ICE, (in case of emergency) can help emergency room doctors who are trying to track down a patient’s family. Unanticipated side effect:

"Thanks to all my fans who are reaching out to me. My phone is finally ringing again. Word to your mother."

Whole Foods Market is preparing to roll out a line of meat that will carry labels saying “animal compassionate,” indicating the animals were raised in a humane manner. This includes using rubber-head sledgehammers to crush the skulls of cattle and properly lubricating all anuses before inserting electrocution diodes.

Some physicians worry that children are at higher risk of early puberty as a result of environmental contaminants called “endocrine disruptors,” that can cause breast growth, pubic hair development and other symptoms of puberty. Swift-thinking Kimberly-Clark, maker of Huggies diapers, has announced a new line: Period Pull-Ups.

Found in the Mexican state of Veracruz, archaeologists say this slab of stone is the oldest script ever discovered in the Western Hemisphere. (14 inches long, 8 inches wide and 5 inches thick.)

Scientists were chagrined when upon disciphering the relic, it turned out to be a flier for "Troglo-bites," a primitive strip club in downtown Veracruz. The cave closed in approximately 900 B.C. due to complaints from neighborhood residents and the fact the dollar bill was not invented yet.

Signing up at the Genius Bar, which is the Apple Store's customer service desk, I was told there was a "two hour difference right now." Difference is apparently easier to hear than "two hour wait." I love it! Recently I told my landlord that there seems to be a difference between the time my rent is due and when I can actually pay it. My newly aquired word substitution made everything ok with him. Now if I can just cut down the difference between when we start and my wife finishes, things will be great.