...a new social networking website is now available for alcoholics....www.shitfacebook.com 

...michael jackson has hit the big 5-0...the only question that remains is, is that his age, his IQ, or how much money he has left. 

KUALA LUMPUR (AFP) - A Malaysian welder had to have a nut removed from around his penis after an attempt to lengthen it went embarrassingly wrong.

Bud, if that really worked, Home Depot would be raking in more money than Exxon.

After three months at sea, two men landed in Hawaii on a raft made out of plastic bottles.  And by booking their travel with Orbitz, they saved ten bucks!

Hasbro has announced the updated version of the popular board game Clue, featuring new rooms and new weapons.  The new rooms include the home theatre and spa.  The new weapons include a baseball bat, to bludgeon to death, an axe, to hack to death, and Paris Hilton, to bore you to death. 

In related news, Taco Bell has announced it will be opening a dozen new restaurants in Cambodia before year's end. .

A recent study suggests that cows may know which way is north.   Oh great, now we will have herds of Mexican cows crossing the border seeking a better life. 

...i tried enzyte for natural male enhancement...it didnt work...so im moving to canada where they use the metric system...in an instant, i will go from 7" to 17.75 cm... 

Cyprus has opened a beach catered exclusively to dogs.  It looks just like a normal beach in Italy.

A raccoon broke into an Atlanta courthouse and stole chocolate chip cookies, a sandwich, and a packet of  dried tomato soup before being captured.  Officials still can't explain how the raccoon got to Atlanta  from the top of Donald Trump's head in New York..

Unfortunately, a Ken rod only catches syphilis. 

A Wisconsin woman has been arrested and booked for failing to pay her library fines.  Sadly, this is not the first time she has run afoul of the law.  She had a previous criminal record for jaywalking and removing a matress tag. 

...massachusetts is considering an assisted suicide bill...under this bill, you go out drinking at a bar and ted kennedy gives you a ride home. 

A 61-year-old Japanese woman gave birth as a surrogate mother.  The baby was healthy and happy, but confused that he had to breast feed near his mom's knees. 

Newly hatched turtles lost their way to the sea and walked into an Italian restaurant.  And the Olive Garden wait staff marveled at how fast they were.