There's a problem out in Punxatawney, PA. Punxatawney Phil, the groundhog there, is in trouble with his wife.

She came home unexpectedly and saw Phil's eye shadow. Now, it's gonna take him six weeks to explain that one to her.

   A man-friendly ad:  "Our ladies' pajamas are simply tops!" 

   Being six-foot-four, I felt complimented when an Ashley Judd lookalike once said to me:  "You remind me of a tall drink of water."

   Was flattered until she added, "Tasteless." 

 According to a recent study, drinking beer is good for a person’s bones.   One group exempted from this study- drunk snowboarders.

The tip-off was the sunglasses.  A New Yorker faces a $135 traffic fine for using a mannequin as her "plus one" in the high-occupancy vehicle lane of the Long Island Expressway.  An alert sheriff's deputy on Long Island became suspicious this week when he saw the "passenger" wearing sunglasses and using the visor. The problem: The sky was overcast.  When he stopped the vehicle, he found the mannequin, fully dressed with a long dark wig, blazer, shirt and scarf.  ***MARLAR: The driver said it was an honest mistake as he thought his plastic mannequin was actually Cher.

   "Mattresses expertly repadded.  We know our stuff! 

Archeologists unearthed an Egyptian temple of the ancient cat goddess, giving many a better understanding of why god is so frequently sleeping on the job.

Runners & Hikers Magazine has named South Carolina governor Mark Sanford as it's "Sportsperson" of the year in recognition of him becomming the first person to hike the Appalachian Trail all the way to Argentina. 

"How is the semi-professional comic?" my mother-in-law likes to ask.  "What do they pay you at these open-mike nights?"

"Um, nothing..." I answer.

"I didn't raise my daughter to be Bride of Bozo, you know." 

Animal protection advocates want to replace Puxsutawney Phil with a robot. Dr. Robotnik is reportedly interested in the job.