...comedian Katt Williams was arrested and charged with taking $4000 worth of jewelry from a suburban Atlanta home.  Williams has pleaded innocent to the crime, but the D.A. insists its a jewel of denial.  

I saw an article today under the headline 10 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Lying. But I was groggy when I first read it and thought the last word was Dying.

Wouldn't that have been a fun article If I read that correctly:

SIGN 1: He cancels plans with you because he's been coughing up blood for 2 days straight.

SIGN 2: He spends less time with you than with a Hospice... 

Researchers in Spain discovered that men who drank 3 or more shots of liquor per day had 50% less heart disease as well as 28% more sex with a transvestite named "Penelope Cruzin'."

Barack Obama goes home to the big butt of Michelle Obama.

A news article revealed today that there's a staggering shortage of Eggo Waffles. Kellogg will start rationing supplies, while Aunt Jemima Syrup will be brought in via The Underground RailRoad.

San Diego police are still trying to find the suspect in what they’re calling the “This Ain’t No Joke” robbery series: A Cold Stone Creamery, one Pinkberry and one TF Yogurt robbed within 90 minutes Sunday. The crime method was the same in all five cases. The robber burst through the door and yelled something like “This ain’t no joke:

I’m serious. This is a robbery.” Later that day, comedian Louie Anderson surrendered without incident.

Senator Robert Ryrd (D-WV) is the longest-serving congress member. Apparently he's
been fighting for a public option before there was even a public.
 

Don't stare at the chimps! That's the new rule posted at the zoo in Antwerp, Belgium. Of course, you can't feed them, either. Zoo officials are particularly concerned about a male chimp named Cheetah. They worry that people staring at Cheetah will prevent him from bonding with the other apes at the park. He was raised by humans, but the zoo keepers say Cheetah is now making contact with others of his kind. ***MARLAR: So, in other words, go ahead and pay the big bucks to get into the zoo – but whatever you do, DON’T LOOK AT THE ANIMALS!

The economy is so bad that Eggos are now facing rationing! 

Today Headline.....

FAA glitch causes widespread US air travel delays!

Tomorrow Headline....

Health Care Administration glitch causes widespread Us deaths! 

In Virginia, death row inmates get to choose between execution by electric chair or lethal injection. This limited number of choices reflects poorly on the state's creativity. How about death by fireworks, where the criminal is zapped by fireworks from Lady Gaga's bra? Or how about death by boredom, where a prisoner is forced to read the entire 2,000 page House of Representatives health care bill? (Oops, we forgot that "cruel and unusual punishment" is ruled out by the Eighth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.)