...paris hilton has announced that she is going to record a tribute album...after much thought, she has decided to sing the songs of the artist who best fits her talent....recording to begin soon on the marcel marceau songbook. 

Mysterious drag queen wins national karaoke contest. No one knows who he is, he just showed up, rocked the house and left!

Disneyland was closed to the public Sunday night so Miley Cyrus and invited guests could enjoy the park's attractions.  In related news, the Mustang Ranch will be shut down next Saturday for a birthday celebration for Charlie Sheen.   

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's comedian Sandra Bernhard. A women's shelter has cut me from its annual benefit show because of a joke. The joke was about how vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin would be "gang-raped by my big black brothers." It was part of my criticism of Palin's opposition to abortion rights. Basically, they took my remark out of context. What do you think I should do?


Dear Sandra,

Since the women's shelter was turned off by your rape joke's violence against a woman, you should change the joke to make the rape less violent.

For an easy fix, you could change the gang rape into a solo rape. That way, there would less total violence.

Even the most talented solo rapist can't match the work of a rape team. One guy might be able to pull it off, but it would take a lot longer. And he might not do it as well. He would be tired, so he could lose focus and get sloppy.

But you can keep the gang-rape setup if you cut back on the violence. Small changes can add up, so start there. Change the joke so that the rapists wear slacks instead of jeans, which can be rough and cause chafing. Have them take off their shoes before the rape so they won't crush the woman's feet. And it might help to put the rape after a long chase and struggle, so the rapists would be winded.

You also should focus on the tiny details when you rewrite the rape joke. Have the rapists take off their jewelry and watches to avoid scratching the woman. Change the joke so that the rapists haven't consumed or handled any dairy or peanut products, in case the woman is allergic. Just to be safe, have them carry some Benadryl. And make sure the rapists use hand sanitizer. The last thing a raped woman needs is a cold.

The Star Savior

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actress Heather Locklear. I was arrested for driving under the influence of prescription medication. An officer pulled me over after someone reported that I was stumbling and driving erratically while leaving a parking lot. I spent a few hours in jail, but I'm out on bail now. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Heather,

Most people would say you shouldn't drive after popping pills, but they're wrong. Driving while intoxicated is just a form of multi-tasking. These days, people don’t have time to run errands and then get high. To drive while high is to drive under the influence of productivity.

Since you were caught after someone saw your intoxicated driving, you should find ways to make your intoxicated driving harder to see.

Your DUI arrest happened in the afternoon, so you should do your intoxicated driving at night. And turn off your headlights. Your double vision won't be as clear, but other drivers won't see you. So it balances out.

You also went wrong by driving while high in a parking lot. Doped-up driving is meant for the freeways, where you can drive fast so people have less time to see you swerve. It’s a classic for a reason.

You also should make your car less easy to identify. For example, you should avoid having vanity license plates that express your love for prescription drugs, like "PILLCHIK" or "DOPEDIVA." And stay away from bumper stickers like "I'd rather be awake."

And don't forget the value of practice. Like any other skill, your talent for intoxicated driving can be developed. You know how baseball players practice swinging extra-heavy bats so regular bats feel light? Do the same with your DUI work.

The next time you get behind the wheel, have gin with your pills. If you hit someone, drive while keeping them balanced on the windshield. Try driving in reverse. Steer using chopsticks. Before long, you’ll wonder why you ever bothered to drive sober.

The Star Savior
 

Dear Britney Spears,

I just heard a rumor that your ex-boyfriend was planning to sell a two-hour sex tape featuring you. He later said the sex tape doesn't exist and that he never claimed to have one, so you may be in the clear. But I need to know one thing: If there actually is a sex tape, were you lip-synching?

The Star Savior

I got a Nintendo Wii for Christmas last year, and have been playing it nonstop. I don't eat, I can't focus, and my right elbow is perpetually sore.

It's like I'm thirteen all over again. 

...with just a couple of drinks, heather locklear has improved her standing in hollywood community...she's just gone from an "A" list celeb to an "AA" list celeb... 

The CBS newsmagazine first aired in 1968 which is also the last time Andy Rooney trimmed his eyebrows.

 Recently , Clay Aiken narrowly survived a bear attack. His publicist says he will never wear hot pants in West Hollywood ever again...

...lindsay lohan is reportedly interested in moving into the Dakota Apts...the tenant board agreed to let her move in....just as long as mark david chapman gets to be the doorman.... 

Billy Joel is scheduled to perform at a fundraiser for Barack Obama in New York City on October 16.   Joel supports Obama because he thinks he will do a better job handling the economy.  Yes, even Billy Joel is feeling the pinch.  In fact, he's had to limit his car crashes to one per month.

Four years after disbanding, Phish has announced it is getting back together.  Sweet!  Get you some of that, insomnia!