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New England Steals Signals

By: National Lampoon Sports Minute (C)
Submitted: May 12, 2008
Staff Pick!

Tapes prove the Patriots stole offensive signs from the Miami Dolphins. We're still trying to figure out why.

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Lance Armstrong Visits DC

By: National Lampoon Sports Minute (C)
Submitted: May 12, 2008
Staff Pick!

Seven-time Tour de France winner and cancer survivor Lance Armstrong is calling on Congress to renew the nation's war on cancer. Congress will respond as soon as cancer produces oil.

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McCain, Clinton Pay Women Better than Obama

By: Julia Gorin (C)
Submitted: May 12, 2008
Staff Pick!

Headline: McCain, Clinton Pay Women Better than Obama

That's probably because they're both used to paying women.

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footbrawl

By: bix brillo (C)
Submitted: May 12, 2008
Staff Pick!

...85 players in Baltimore Ravens mini-camp were involved in a brawl...the players all claimed temporary insanity...for a few minutes they all thought they were hockey players.

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Woman Has Amazing Memory

By: Denis Donohue (C)
Submitted: May 12, 2008

Jill Price, author of the new memoir, 'The Woman Who Can't Forget' claims to be able to remember every single detail of her life with amazing accuracy.

She also never forgets to eat.

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Iran Official Sees "Destructive" Barbie Influence

By: Julia Gorin (C)
Submitted: May 12, 2008

Imports of Barbie dolls and other Western toys will have destructive cultural and social consequences in Iran, the Islamic Republic's top prosecutor was quoted as saying...Iran's conservative clerical establishment often rails against the perceived dangers of U.S.-inspired culture and consumerism, branding it "Westoxication."

Well no wonder they're always such anti-Occidents!

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Man Ticketed For Wearing Speedo On Beach

By: Steve Knowles (C)
Submitted: May 12, 2008

Just be glad is wasn't Rosie Odonnell being ticketed for wearing a string bikini.

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Joe Montana Sues Ex Wife

By: National Lampoon Sports Minute (C)
Submitted: May 11, 2008
Staff Pick!

Former 49ers quarterback Joe Montana is suing his first wife and a Texas auction house for selling love letters and memorabilia from his time at the University of Notre Dame. It's the biggest disgrace in Notre Dame history since last season.

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Heisman Winner Helps Children

By: National Lampoon Sports Minute (C)
Submitted: May 11, 2008

Heisman winner Tim Tebow is currently spending time in an impoverished village in the Philippines helping to circumcise impoverished children. Which makes sense, since football is a game of inches.

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Dwyane Wade Closes Restaurant

By: National Lampoon Sports Minute (C)
Submitted: May 11, 2008

Dwyane Wade's Sports Grill in Boca Raton has closed after just two months. We wouldn't be surprised if the Heat follow suit. The restaurant's days were numbered when they combined the phrase "all you can eat" with Star Jones.

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