It looked extremely awesome for Senator Craig that day;
Mitt Romney was way ahead in the polls with just the primaries left to play,
And then when McCain choked on a burrito, and Fred didn’t do his duty,
the only candidate in their way was that SOB from New York City named Rudy.
But Rudy couldn’t win the Bible Belt because of his three wives and two divorces;
And the fact that he was a papist also didn’t make him the horse for the courses.
And nobody wanted a president with a bald head from New York City,
And nobody damn sure wanted one with friends related to Frank Nitti.
So it was Mitt Romney all the way, right to White House in 2008,
that’s when Mitt called the Senator into his office with a little proposal to relate.
He sat him down, handed him a cigar and a tall glass of whiskey poured straight,
And said “Craig, this may come as a surprise, but I want you as my running mate.
The Senator jumped at once and grabbed Mitt by the shoulders,
And said, Romney, you whacky Mormon son of a bitch, I swear on my mother,
I’ll be your vice preisdent and follow you to the gates of hell, cause I love you like a brother.
The governor took Craig’s hands off his shoulders and said, “Thanks, senator, but just remember.
You’ve got to keep things squeaky clean at least until November.
.
The Senator stepped back and gave a big smile.
He took Mitt by the shoulders again and said, “Brother Romney, just listen a while.
There’s not a man in this fair land who loves this country as much as me.
So to think I’d do anything to foul-up your chances is pure blasphemy.
Besides, you know my record, my stance on all matters stately.
I’m a faimly values man just like you who doesn’t suffer fools greatly.
They teach us right from wrong in Boise, to be truthful and always frank.
We sons and daughters of Idaho are straight as an arrow, by God, and you can take that to the bank.
I’ll behave the way I always have which is exactly by the book.
No, you don’t have to worry about Sen. Larry Craig turning up a perve or a crook.
For 30 years just like you I’ve fought against the rascals;
The tree-hugging, liberal, pinko-commie, Satan-worshipping homosexuals.
We’ll beat them in the hallways, we’ll beat them in the streets,
We’ll send them back to New York City
with the hippies and the freaks.
We’ll take away their abortions, we’ll take away their pot.
We’ll send Pelosi to sea in a pea green boat where she can burn and rot.
We’ll take Hillary and beat her round the head.
We’ll take that big mouth Negro Obama and make him wish he was born dead.
And there’s a whole bunch of others. Governor, I don’t have time to disparage,
Except to say I’ll use my own bare hands to strangle the son-of-a-bitch who dare mentions same sex marriage.
O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesty --
You bet your fine white ass, Governor, I’m your man for the freakin’ vice-presidency.
And with that the two man shook hands and the Senetor headed north,
for a plane waiting for him down at the airport.
Needless to say he was happy as can be,
to think, a boy from Boise would enter the vice-presidency.
But the governor had sworn him to secrecy about their direction.
It was best they kept it secret until the general election.
and when his plane landed in Minneapolis the Senator was still musing
about all the things that lay in the future, everything, but cruising.
And such were his happy thoughts as he walked down the airport promonade,
Till his eyes caught a passing fellow and he gasped, “Geezuz -- trade!”
He was talll, with wide shoulders, narrow at the waist with a face lean and cloy
My, God, aint’ he something! The perfect boy toy!
The senator tried to control himself, it had been a long time.
He tried to remember Romney’s warning about toeing the line.
But the man was too much, a regular sugar-coated dandy.
Oh, why, Lord, why, do you tempt me with such a sweet candy?
And it was at this instant the man walked into the mens room but not before giving a wink.
And it was at this instant Senator Craig ran in after him almost knocking down a sink.
Of course it’s times like this the Bible had taught the good Senator to be strong and not show weakness,
Too late for that shit now because old Craig was going like a Triple Crown Winner at the Preakness.
Once inside he saw the man had gone into a stall
So he squeesed himself into the one next to it his five luggage bags and all.
He slammed closed the door and blocked it with his biggest bag tight and clean.
That was a trick the Senator had picked-up from an old Greenich Village drag queen.
Now there was nothing left to do but let the fun commence,
that’s when the Senator took a wide stance and let his foot do a little dance.
He shoved it next to the man’s shoe, over it then circled it like an umbrella.
He stuck his right hand under the stall, waved it, and whispered, “Hi, ya doing, Big Fella?”
He bent down to the little hole, peered through it to see what was up with his little piece of spice;
That’s when the man flashed a badge that said Minneapolis Police Vice.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright,
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men laugh, and little children pout;
But there is no joy in Idaho — Senator Craig has been found out.
Ric Ricland
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