I Ain’t Gay (to the tune of Werewolf of London)
by Eric Landers
I saw Mitt Romney walking down the hall today,
When he saw me he shook his head and looked away;
You see, my old friend Mitt ain’t talking to me no more,
He thinks I’m homosexual public bathroom whore;
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay;
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible,
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
It all started that dark day in the airport,
A man walked by and winked his eye;
He was tall, dark and handsome, and wore a lavender mauve tie,
How was I to know he was the FBI?
Ah-Whoo, please believe me when I say,
Ah-Whoo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
He went in the mensoom and I followed him in,
That’s when he turned and gave me a pig eating slop grin;
I should have knew right then something wasn’t Kosher,
Shoulda hopped the next plane for Nova Scotia,
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
He had blue eyes and dark hair,
He had wide shoulders and big muscles too,
He had a cute nose and a gorgeous tan;
Gimmee a break, folks, I’m only a man.
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
So I walked into the stall and blocked the door with my bags,
I picked up that trick from an old queen who used to do drag;
I sat down on the seat and peeped through the hole
And what I saw, folks, can’t be told;
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
My heart started beating like a humming bird’s,
I got dizzy and nearly fell off the stool,
Bells in my head started going Ding-Dong,
When he bent over I could see all the way to Hong Kong;
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible,
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
Now you can imagine the condition I was in,
There I was a United States Senator thinking sin;
I stuck my hand under stall to signal no,
That’s when he said, “Ah, stop teasing, you know you’re a big hoe.”
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
I hollered no and stamped my foot for emphasis
But because I have a wide stance my shoe touched his;
That’s when he dropped his badge and ID,
That’s when I hollered “Woe is me!”
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
Now the moral of this story should be crystal clear,
When you go to the mens room, do you business and get the hell out of there;
Take my advice and watch how you time is spent;
Hell, I coulda been Vice-President
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
Eric Landers
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
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