Madonna has announced that she is no longer following Kabbalah, the obscure form of Jewish mysticism that she adopted as a new faith. Madonna stated that she left Kaballah because Britney Spears, also a follower, kept mistaking it for the film that starred Shaquille O’Neal as a rapping genie who used basketball to make the world a better place for kids.

Plus, they raised the cover charge at the Wilshire Boulevard House of Kaballah, and Guy Ritchie didn’t want his, "willy," circumcised.

HISTORICAL NOTE: Kaballah is named after the sound you hear when a suicide bomber explodes. It’s like the Middle Eastern, “Ta-dah.”