You know that you’ve seen them...ugly children. You see them when you’re out shopping, at amusement parks, when you’re walking your dog.

You stare at them like they’re walking freak shows, especially the ones with the big heads, like they’re carrying little watermelons on their shoulders.

The really sad part about ugly children is that you somehow blame the parents. You know your eyes go from child to parent and then parent to child, questioning, asking what went wrong, how did it happen?

My personal advice is never date a man with a big head. If a man has a head size larger than normal, imagine your child. Imagine the type of head you’re going to be forced to push out. Also imagine if this man has a head with a weird flat side, it might be cute on him, but imagine if you child gets the flat side but not in the same place. So instead of having the weird flat side on the back, the kid has it in the front...so now your child has a weird smushed face. The rest of your kid’s life, he’s known as Mr. Squish Face.

It’s like ugly children carry a plaque or something. Its one topic, no one ever touches because you’re afraid your children will in turn come out ugly. It’s so bad that when you see an ugly child out and about you tend to stay away from them as if they could spread their ugliness just by being close to you.

No one ever really says “Oh Wow, you have an ugly baby” because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feeling, but it’s hurtful enough that you thought it, and you know other people are thinking the same thing.

I ran into two ugly children recently. I stopped to pick up dinner before heading home and the ugly kids were in front of me. Honestly I probably wouldn’t have noticed except the parents were slightly annoying. The type of annoying like we’ve been staring at the menu for 10 minutes and still undecided, as in holding up the line and me becoming slightly annoyed. Then they started to rattle off their order like they’ve forgotten how to speak... uh we’d like an uh (long pause) the suddenly salad as if a light bulb just went off somewhere and uh (yet another long pause) a bean and cheese burrito and uh (long pause). It continued this way until they had ordered for all 4 family members. It was simply my annoyance that made me observe them a little too closely, and sure enough wrapped around the beautiful mom was an ugly girl and at her waist an ugly little boy.

They were the type of children that you see and hope that they grow into their features. The boy was a little Mr. Squish Face, who kept running around and squatting as if he were going #2, and the little girl, well let’s just hope that because this is Hollywood she finds a great plastic surgeon because I’m not sure there’s much hope for her.

But I say all of this not to simply make fun of the ugly kids, in fact I feel like starting my own greeting cards found at uglychildren.com. We should celebrate them; after all if it weren’t for the ugly ones, would you ever feel pretty?