IN WAKE OF LOSS TO COLTS, PATRIOTS CUT SUPERSTITIOUS FANS

FOXBORO, Massachusetts.  Five times the New England Patriots had made it to the AFC Championship Game, and five times they had won.  Until Sunday night.

Belichick and Pioli

"It was a tough loss, but we've got to move on," said Scott Pioli, the Patriots' VP of Player Personnel regarding the Indianapolis Colts' 38-34 come-from-behind win over the three-time Super Bowl champions.

Pioli says he and Bill Belichick, the Patriots' notoriously detail-oriented head coach, will be reviewing their depth chart over the next few weeks in an effort to improve the team, and that they won't stop at the sidelines.  "We intend to take a hard look at some of our fans, many of whom have done a great job with their game-day fetishes over the years, but who may have lost a little of their mojo."

"36-42 cover, shoot--ready?  Break!"

In Weymouth, Massachusetts, for example, Brian Shaw has carried the Pats' (as they are referred to affectionately around here) for years with a superstitious routine that involves the same underwear he wore in 1985 when the team "Squished the Fish", defeating the Miami Dolphins 31-14 to advance to Super Bowl XX against the Chicago Bears.  "I've gone from a 36 to a 42 waist in the past two decades," says Shaw, "so the boxers were getting kind of small."  "Frankly, Brian has lost a step," said linebacker Tully Banta-Cain, "and you can't play one-on-one defense against Marvin Harrison with a guy whose underwear is too tight for him."

The Barnacle

In nearby Hull, Massachusetts, a seaside community where locals gather at The Barnacle on Sundays to watch the Patriots on five TV screens, regular Howie Slater has traditionally "held it in" the entire second half in the belief that the football gods look with favor on his sacrifice.  "You look back to the Snow Bowl game against Oakland in 2002, where we got the call on the 'tuck rule'," Slater says.  "I stayed right on my barstool waiting for the replay and the challenge, and I'd been drinking pitchers of Miller Lite all freakin' day," he recalls.  "Ever since, I don't move the whole second half even if I have to pee down my leg."

"I've heard of wet tee-shirt night, but never wet pants leg."

Pioli says there will be a number of interesting free agent fans on the market in the offseason, including Floyd Turnbull, a Broncos' season-ticket holder who refuses to bathe for the entire weekend during football season unless Denver has a bye week.

Shanahan:  "Either get that guy out of the stadium, or get me some Glade Air Freshener!"

"Mike Shanahan has owned the Patriots for the past two seasons, and adding Turnbull could be a difference maker for New England," said ESPN pro football nerd John Clayton.  "It's a move that would be welcomed be Broncos fans, who like to give Turnbull a mile-wide berth at Mile High."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman