Thanks a lot for harvesting my stem cells, asshole! That’s right, I’m talking to you, Mr. Stem Cell Harvester. I was just sitting there in my frozen embryo cylinder just waiting to be discarded, and then all of a sudden you prick me with this huge fucking needle and suck out all my cellular goodies. What the hell am I supposed to do now? I wasn’t much before, just a tiny mass of tissue in a petri dish, but I had potential. Not anymore. Without all my precious stem cells, I’m nothing more than a white-trash paramecium. Why couldn’t you just leave me alone? I wasn’t bothering anybody. Ever since the couple who had me frozen decided they’d had enough kids and didn’t need me, I’d just been hanging out in my petrified state, waiting for God to give me the nod for a kick-ass afterlife. Then one day—boom!—I become a lab rat. Do you think God is going to want me now? I’m hideous (FYI, dickhead: God doesn't wear beer goggles; that's why Betty Friedan is in hell). I'm pretty much screwed now. Do you really think they allow depleted zygotes into heaven? I mean, c’mon, they’ve got some standards. If they let in cut-up freako embryos like me into heaven, before you know it they’ll be letting in the Jews. I guess I’m just unlucky. First I get aborted with a shitload of invitro embryos and then my parts get yanked off me so much, I feel like a multi-cellular Mr. Potato Head. What’s that you say? You’re going to use my stem cells for medical research? Fuck that shit. Medical research is junk science; it’s one step up from astrology or antibiotics. They’re not curing any real diseases anymore, unless the disease is impotence. So unless you’re planning to plunk my harvested cells into Hugh Hefner’s shriveled gonads, then I want no part of your creepy Frankenstein games. Why don’t you find some adult stem cells and leave guys like me alone? There are plenty of people out there who have way too many stem cells anyway. Ever been to a Krispy Kreme? Ninety percent of their clientele could stand to drop a couple of hundred thousand biomolecules. Hell, Ted Kennedy’s ass alone could probably cure Alzheimers. Yeah, yeah, I know you think you’re going to cure Parkinson’s disease, but you’re not. The last Pope had Parkinson’s and he couldn’t do anything about it. And he had some crazy miracle-performing skills. He had more magical powers than Jesus, Spiderman, and David Blaine put together. Friedan: Feminist Too Ugly For God You scientists should just forget about stem cell research and go where the big money is—debunking warnings about the greenhouse effect. Be a Biostitute and get paid, bee-atch! Stem cell research is just a fringe practice supported by a minority of wackos out of touch with mainstream America. I’m talking about the liberal pinkos, commie tree-huggers, and those losers who need stem cell research to help alleviate their so-called “crippling physical agony.” And will you stop listening to Michael J. Fox about the life-saving potential of stem cell research? What the fuck does he know about anything? That guy hasn’t been in a decent movie since Teen Wolf. If you’re going to use my cells for something, use it for something cool, like cloning. But human cloning only! No weird hybrid animal-human Dr. Moreau experiments. If I find out my chromosomes have been merged with the DNA of some smelly, mangy beast like a mule, a goat or a Larry the Cable Guy, I’m gonna be seriously pissed off! Thank God, you didn’t harvest my all my cells; if I ever get to develop into a human, I’ll still be able to urinate. (Unfortunately, it will be out of my ears) So, Mr. Stem Cell Harvester, it’s time for you to get your priorities straight. Sure I’ve been rotting away in a jar for the past ten years, but does that give you the right to bogart my Blastocysts? Fuck, no. I’d rather have Tom Cruise gulp me down as a chaser for his newborn baby’s placenta. But you’ll get your comeuppance Mr. Harvester; I’ve got some powerful friends in Washington. President Bush hates stem cell research; he thinks it’s immoral, unethical, and, in his words, “really, really, not so goodly.” And according to Fox News, the man is never wrong about anything. So you better watch your harvesting ass. Me and my kooky religious buddies are coming for you.