It's July, and that means- it’s dead pool time again. You know, the betting game where you make a list of celebrities you think are gonna croak in the upcoming year. Online gambling sites have even gotten into the mix, giving ridiculously low odds to old coots like Gerald Ford, Larry King, and that old black guy who always plays the judge in those legal thrillers. While I agree that it’s loads of fun predicting the demise of elderly famous people, to me these odds are just not exciting enough. For instance, did you know that Angela Lansbury is only 3:2 for th rest of 2006? How can I make any money on that? (Lansbury actually died in the fifth season of Murder She Wrote, but has been kept in an animated state by the same robotics used to power Teddy Ruxpin.) That’s why I’ve contacted several bookies to find out what kind of odds I could get on a reverse Dead Pool. We all know how easy it is to predict who’s going to die soon (Hell, my unlicensed gastric bypass surgery practice will be responsible for at least seven or eight deaths this month alone), but predicting life after death takes some real skills. Life after death? Isn’t that what experts in the scientific community call “a bunch of horseshit”? While it’s mostly uncommon, several notable people have actually returned from death in the past few years. Some of them include Joan Rivers, Morely Safer, and of course, the noted zombie poet laureate Zombie McGildersleeves. So for those who are interested in some real gambling action, I’ve compiled an odds-list of candidates I think will return from the hereafter in ‘06. Kurt Cobain 10:1 odds of Returning To Life (RTL) After being lapped by the prolific and also way-dead Tupac Shakur, Cobain will feel the pressure and make a return from the great beyond in 2006. Though he will be headless from those self-inflicted gunshot wounds, the Nirvana front man will still be able to release a double CD in April entitled I’m Undead and I’m Still More Talented Than That Putz Eddie Vedder to mixed reviews. Also, Cobain’s will regain custody of his daughter Francis Bean. The decision will be ordered by a judge based on a seldom used statute known as “Francis’ Law,” which states specially that a headless decaying cadaver shall always be deemed a fitter parent than Courtney Love. Jesus Christ 7:2 (RTL) Zombie McGildersleeves and pals Get ready born-agains, the Son of God is coming back in 2006, but unfortunately for you, he’s not bringing on the Rapture. Rumor has it that Jesus is coming back to do a small tour for only his biggest fans. No commercial shit, so fans of the Gospel of Matthew stay the fuck home. Adolf Hitler 25:1 (RTL) While many people question whether The Fuhrer ever really died, Hitler did actually expire in 1979 at famed New York hotspot Studio 54 (Hitler overdosed after he accidentally snorted a line of silly string off author Truman Capote’s ass). In 2006, the German bad boy will resurface and immediately make the talk show rounds. Hitler’s appearance on Maury, entitled “Ava Braun is Such a Cock Tease” will alert the F.B.I. and Adolf will soon be arrested. Hitler will then be tried at the Hague by an international court for crimes against humanity. However, his lawyer, Mark Gerigos, will plea the case down to second-degree genocide, which carries a sentence of 800 years in prison and limited use of one’s Blackberry. Harry Houdini 8:1 (RTL) In 1926, right before he died, magician Harry Houdini said he would perform his most daring escape and return from the grave. Houdini said he could prove his feat by reciting a secret phrase that only his wife or his family would know, thus confirming the authenticity of any person claiming to be the famous illusionist. Eighty years later, in March 2006, Houdini will finally make good on his promise, but not without some problems. The secret phrase, “My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps” was rarely used in 1926, but now is spoken by an overwhelming majority of Americans, most notably by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during last year’s G-8 Summit. Houdini, however, will finally prove his identity to the world by keying David Blaine’s car and leaving a flaming bag of “magic” at illusionist Criss Angel’s front door. Babe Ruth 15:1 (RTL) That's what you think... The Sultan of Swat will be returning from the grave in late July to join the New York Yankees right before the trading deadline. He’ll play seven games before his partying lifestyle once again leads to his demise. His stats for that one week: 5 homeruns, 3 new curses on the Red Sox, 1 case of the gout, and 117 venereal diseases contracted. Terri Schavio 20:3 (RTL) Yep, that Terri Schiavo. Everyone’s favorite vegetative-state lady is coming back and boy, is she gonna be angry. After an impromptu press conference, the newly zombified Schiavo will immediately feast on the brains of Senate leader Bill Frist in retaliation for his erroneous diagnosis on her last year. Later in 2006, Schiavo will join the cast of Comatose Girls Behaving Badly