I hate the World Cup. It blows. Mostly because I watched the USA team and we suck. We scored two goals in three games. Not bad for four years of training. By the way, one of our goals was scored accidentally by the other team! We have no big scorer. You're telling me the USA can't produce one big soccer star? It's kicking a ball! We need a guy with one name. That's the key. Brazil is full of them. They have Rolidinho, Rinaldo, Kafu, and my favorite name ever: Caca. That's what we need! A guy named after excrement. Like DooDoo or PeePee. We were eliminated by Ghana. Ghana? I don't even know where Ghana IS and they beat us! Do you know that they had to shut down the mine shafts in Ghana to conserve electricity so the country would have enough power for their television to run? The first thing I thought was—Ghana has a television? Next thing you know they'll have nukes! How did we not pay them off? Pssst—hey goalie, I'll give your whole team XBoxes and dentistry for a year if you let us score. The saddest part is that the experts said we were sending the best team we ever had! Really? Shouldn't we have sent the USA women's team? They won the thing didn't they? I think Mia Hamm would have scored at least one goal. Speaking of girls, I'm convinced that soccer players are the biggest babies in the world. Somebody misses the ball and touches an opponent's ankle, the guy falls on the ground like he was hunting with Dick Cheney. And if he stays down for five seconds, they bring out a stretcher like you're watching an episode of "MASH." Of course, once they get worked on by the trainer, they sprint right back in like it was the end of "Heaven Can Wait." What happened—Mommy kissed the boo-boo? Or did they replace the guy's tampon? Wait, that's it! Our next big star should be Boo-Boo! Yes! Look out world ... in 2010, here comes the USA! |
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