Tonight, all over the country, kids will be out in force, trick-or-treating. Harmless, community-minded fun, right? Not according to the born-agains and fundies who are appalled that a "pagan" holiday is being celebrated in their midst, and can't seem to shut up about it.

I'm going to go out on a theological limb here and assert that, ancient Celtic practices aside, a 3-year-old dressed like a duck and collecting bite-size Milky Ways in a plastic bucket will not cause a Hellmouth to suddenly open on your street. And I don't think Jesus would get that upset over a little shaving cream in the hair. He'd probably even appreciate a sexy French maid or two. He did hang out with whores and lepers after all.

Oh, and don't think I'm letting you off the hook, Wiccans. If one more of you thinks you're rocking my world by smugly informing me the date of December 25th is "actually a pagan holiday, you know," I'm going to give you a free colon cleansing with a table-top prelit Christmas tree.

Now, outta my way. I have some 50% off candy to gorge on.