A new study of online sexual predators and their intended victims reveals what many people have long suspected: nearly every 13-year old girl in the United States is actually an undercover FBI agent.

In an effort to shed light on this phenomenon, investigative reporter Anthony DeVito caught up with “Lindsay” at the Park Valley Mall in suburban Ohio. Lindsay is actually “John Smith,” an 18-year veteran of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Smith, 47, agreed to be interviewed for this article as long as his real identity was kept confidential.

At the mall’s Food Court, Smith politely refused this reporter’s offer of a Cinnabon because it’s “hell getting that shit out of my braces.”

“This is not an easy life, that’s for damn sure,” continued agent Smith. “I thought the perverted lowlifes who use the Internet to prey on minors were scum, but living among 13-year-old girls is a whole new ballgame. My first week in the field, I begged to be transferred because of the vicious teasing. It just does not stop.”

Smith nervously pushed his blond hair behind his ear as he recounted the stresses an undercover agent faces. “We’re all in so deep,just like in Donnie Brasco. I don’t even know if my best friend likes me for me, or because it’s part of her assignment. She seems honest but who knows? Everybody’s, like, so fake these days. I checked her MySpace profile and I wasn’t even in her Top 8. What kind of best friend is that? Ashley and Madison were there, even gross Maya, but not me. She says it was a mistake, but I was like whatever!”

Daily routines that Smith once took for granted must now be altered to maintain his cover. “The lunchroom is not really a good place for me to be seen taking my Lipitor,” laughed Smith, while simultaneously texting “Bobby”, a boy he met on AOL who claims to be 14 and into the same bands. “Get a load of this: ‘cant wt 2 fnly meet u @ fb! :-)’ FB, is, as you know, Fallout Boy,” explained Smith. “Bobby knows how much I love them and we’re planning to meet at their concert next week. I’m really starting to like him because he’s not like the other boys. Of course, if it turns out he’s not like the other boys because he’s really a middle-aged deviant looking to get his rape on, he will be in for one mother of a rude awakening. Either way, my diary will sure get a workout that night!”

As Smith gathered up his backpack to leave, he asked me to tell people about the good work he and his fellow agents are doing to keep America’s few remaining real children safe. “We won’t rest until every teenage girl in this country has a badge and a gun. J. Edgar Hoover would be proud.”