Hundreds of rural counties throughout the nation have bonded together to petition the federal government to focus upon the passing of a national ammendment banning gay marriage, and protesting the enforcement of drinking water standards.

"We will not stand idly by as our marriages are trampled upon, while drinking water is treated like its so damned special," said Bill Hillensbett, Mayor of Grinty, Arkansas, population 400.  He went on to say that if the government wanted to clean up his drinking water, he would be damned if they would attach a rider onto the bill that demanded that his people pay for gay weddings.  "I mean, who would wear the wedding dress anyhow?  If I'm gonna pay for these things, I want some kind of say."