10. Santa had a bad reaction to the Viagra Mrs. Claus slipped him and now can't get his pants back on.

9.  After drinking too much eggnog, Sarah Palin shot down his sleigh, misstaking it for a Russian weapon.  In a Palinesque show of diplomacy, she made reindeer stew as a peace offering to him.  Santa has not been able to stop rocking back and forth since the incident.

8. The USPS lost all letters to Santa; He is pleased that all the American boys and girls must have wanted the poor children of the world to have their toys instead!!!

7.  There are, in fact, no toys to give this year; they were all recalled due to toxicity.

6.   Rudolph, Donner, and Blitzen became too ill to fly after having Santa's milk and cookies.  Dasher died.  Santa is now stranded in Xing-Chu, China.

5.  Belgian police saw his bushy beard , mistook him for an Al-Quaida member, and have detained him in Brussels until further notice.

4.  He caught cholera in Zimbabwe and has no health insurance.  Mrs. Claus says she never knew Mr. Claus was so hot looking under all that fat!

3. The North Pole melted:  He, Mrs. Claus, and all the elves drowned.  Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen have been spotted above Northern Europe.  Rudolph is believed to have perished trying to rescue the Claus family.

2.  He sold his post and all rights to the name of "Santa Claus" to the highest bidder (a lazy son of a b*tch) to save his home from foreclosure.  He now goes by his birth name of Elmer Dinkleheimer.

1.   God laid him off due to the economic crisis.