Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Madonna. After a long time of denying rumors, Guy Ritchie and I are getting a divorce. Now, there's another round of rumors about my relationship with baseball player Alex Rodriguez. What do you think I should do?


Dear Madonna,

If you want to avoid feeding rumors, you should keep your distance from A-Rod for a while. However, don't close yourself off to dating in the meantime. Until the rumors stop, you should only date guys who are totally unknown. The more unknown, the better. So I recommend the homeless.

Once you're ready for A-Rod, your time dating the homeless will give you lots of new things to talk about -- like getting shots. There’s your first trip together.

If you're not sold on the idea yet, dating homeless men has advantages. A homeless man won’t ever be too busy with his work. Even better, you would have open communication, since homeless guys love to let you know what they want. It's what they do. And when you’re dating a homeless man, he’s always up for just spending time at home -- your home, since everybody's at his place.

On top of that, homeless men are easier to buy gifts for. Once in a while, surprise him with a bunch of fresh-picked cans. Or have his shopping cart washed and detailed. For his birthday, give him a cup of change. For Christmas or Valentine's Day, get him a new squeegee. And have it engraved with an inspirational message like "Keep reaching for the cars."

It’s just a matter of finding the right homeless guy for you. Try Web sites like HoboHookup.com or BumBunnies.net. Start hitting happy hour at the nearest shelter. Hang out at public libraries, so you can snag a homeless guy right after his sink bath. Before you know it, you'll wish A-Rod smelled like pink hand soap and brown paper towels.

The Star Savior