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Hi. I’m Academy Award-winning actress Tatum O’Neal. I was arrested Sunday night after being seen buying crack cocaine near my home in Manhattan. I’ve struggled with addiction for a long time, and I think I really need your help now. What advice do you have for me?
Dear Tatum,
You don’t necessarily have to give up crack. All you have to do is start buying your crack farther away from your home. Consider yourself lucky to be a New Yorker: There are plenty of helpful, reputable vendors all over town. Start with the phone book or the local Zagat guide to crack-buying. And don’t feel like your celebrity status means you have to go to five-star pushers. When you’re buying crack, you really don’t need top-notch valet service.
There is a rich tradition of outsiders visiting ghetto areas to buy drugs, so your arrest could mean it’s time to make your first junkie pilgrimage and experience the spiritual side of crack addiction. On these pilgrimages, all of the area’s fiends awake at sunrise and face east for their morning shakes. Then, they shamble through the streets until they see the sign that they have reached their mecca: a pair of shoes dangling from a power line.
When you see the dangling shoes — a crack addict’s North Star — you’ll know that your dealer is near. And when you’ve had your first group stupor, elbow-to-elbow with your fellow junkies, you’ll understand the meaning of all the previous day’s fasting and prayer and twitching. You’ll truly know what it means to be a crackhead.
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Dear Star Savior,
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