WASHINGTON – In an attempt to get North Korea's attention, the Bush administration is using sanctions that will make it tougher for Kim Jong Il obtain iPods, plasma televisions and Segway electric scooters. Following this hard-line of foreign policy against rogue leaders, Vice President Cheney has vowed to send Osama Bin Laden to his room.

President Obama " stupidly " met with his panel of celebrity experts on ways to bring the price of unlicensed medicines down .  The group included Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, Lindsay Lohan, Mike Tyson, Naomi Campbell, Gary Busey, Kate Moss, and former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry . The meeting ended abruptly after a wild-eyed, lust-filled Tyson tore off terrified Kate Moss's blouse and bra , and frustrated, manic-depressed Naomi bounced her iPhone off the head of Gary Busey .  Bobby Brown found it necessay to give wife Whitney a few much needed bitch-slaps .  During all the chaos and mayhem, Lindsay Lohan did get the chance to sample some of Crackhead Barry's latest stash !

10 ) THREE DOZEN LIFESTYLES MULTI-COLORED CONDOMS ................................

9 )   FIVE NEW TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS .......................................

8 ) AN OLD COPY OF  " THE JOY OF SEX  "  IN

PAPERBACK  ...................................................

7 )  90 DAY SUPPLY OF ROOFIES .........................................

6 ) EIGHT PAIRS OF LADIES BLACK SEAMED NYLON STOCKINGS  ..................................

 5 ) FOUR PAIRS CROTCHLESS EDIBLE PANTIES ( CHERRY FLAVORED )...............................

 4 ) ONE SONY HANDYCAM CAMCORDER AND MINI TRIPOD  ......................................     

3 ) ONE BOTTLE KORBEL PINK CHAMPAGNE    ..........................................................................          

2 ) ONE TROJAN  " HER PLEASURE VIBRATING TOUCH FINGERTIP MASSAGER "  WITH EXTRA BATTERIES ...............................................................

1 ) SUPREME COURT JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS' AUTOGRAPHED VHS COPY OF  " LONG DONG SILVER "  

 Technology continues to advance at breakneck speed.  Even John McCain finally ditched his trusty 78 speed turntable. He was spotted jogging near the Washington monument sporting his new 8 track player.

Apple has reduced iPod prices from $20 to $120. This is rumored to be an attempt to move surplus stock of products that will be obsolete within a month and subsequently no longer supported by Apple.   A more functional, lower priced model is due to be released as soon as the current models are sold out.

A 13-year-old boy, who co-edits his own tech website, compared and contrasted the 30-year-old Walkman to his ipod -- teasing the Walkman for being a primitive, odd, bulky version of the iphone.

The feature he thought particularly odd, was just being able to text his friends the letters "F.F.," "REC.," and "STOP/EJ."

What's your favorite iPhone App? This one is very cool. A California company announced this week an iPhone application and car receiver that will enable users to lock, unlock and remotely start their car with the phone rather than the car's key.  **MARLAR: This is exactly what we need – yet another excuse to use your cell phone when it comes to the car. 

THE END OF ENGLISH

-Now, I promise to prevent precipitous postulations and pointless pontifications.

Honestly folks, when did the 'now English' become the 'new Latin?'

Look, nowadays, English's exasperation of erudition and eloquence is dependent on life support system.

Hey, lately, it appears so close to death it's one late insurance payment away from being unplugged, you know?

I mean, listen, English tried to request euthanasia copious occasions.

Fact is, it couldn't find the words and needed a dictionary like dementia victims reading their own auto-biography and being surprised.

And, Oh, by the way, soon it'll be diminished, dead, and dismissed.

You see, yesterdays cassette tape walkman of languages erased by Espanola the iPod of tomorrows talk.

Hey, truth be told, English's existence is endeavoring endangerment edging extinction entirely.

Let's face it folks, museums will exhibit pre-Hispanic speaking era fossils of Thesaurus Nexus juxtaposing prehistoric non-speaking era fossils of Tyrannosaurs Rexes, all right?

Now, our vernacular, vocabulary, and will vanish at velocity while violins will play a minor key sonata.

Christ's sake, I mean, English's FINAL words will have to be translated by Rosetta Stone post humanely.

Of course, then we'll have misinterpreted wills, mispronounced eulogy, and misspelled tombstone.

Hey, bottom line folks, at that point, mourners will truly be speechless, okay?

7-29-09

Now I don't want to pontificate but why in a modern age are we bound by the shackles of  irrelevant guidelines so out dated they make Alexander Graham Bell's first prototypes look like an updated iPhone from the year 2025?

I mean seriously between the rules of religious documents from other millenniums to the regulations of legal documents from other centuries the newest code we follow is 6 months older than McCain's great-great grandfather's baby journal photos on papyrus.

Gandhi said, before you break the rules, you must know them. Well hey study time is over, final exams are graded and it's time to cut loose over Spring Break in Cancun, alright?

Hey, stop waiting for Godot, pick up the pen, and let's make these arbitrary absurdities less strict than Fellini as Drill Master Sergeant at Fascism boot camp.

Seriously folks, I mean, let's not cite from the Sex Pistol's lyrics or the pages of the Anarchist's Cookbook.

But let's face it people, wind your sundial from BC to digital with a little Abby Hoffman revolution or James Dean rebellion by declaring a new independence from the old Declaration of Independence.

Alright, hell the Old Testament was old since the birth of Christ. It's so old that we consider it's 2000 yr young sequel the NEW one, okay!

What I'm saying is, if we don't upgrade from all these ridiculous relic restrictions then we're a twelve sided dice piece and nerdy-anal-retentive-level 6-wizard of middle earth away from following more stupid instructions than a level-1-newbie-dwarf in a dictatorship of Dungeons and Dragons.

Bottom line and truth be told, times change, people change, and so should our hand books of social norms.

On the other hand I said I don't want to pontificate, so whatever, y'know?

A word of advice: stay away from the Steve Jobs Liver Frappuccino.

Hoping he'd make a lasting impression on the nation's youth, most missed the President's address, because they were on their iPods and text messaging their friends on the remastered Beatles music!