"She said she had not enjoyed it. Isn't that amazing? Something like 100 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only people who don't seem to enjoy it are running for office."

Jay Leno

 My parents smoke pot...but only for medicinal purposes. It helps alleviate the pain of failure.

I think my mom got stoned while I was in the womb, because I was born lazy.

  She used to deal pot too. She did it because our family got stung by the economy. She stopped dealing when she got stung by the cops.

My dad had a drug problem, but he made progress with it...he progressed from pot to coke.

 He eventually kicked the habit...of being a father. It was affecting his drug habit.

He finally quit when he realized he couldn't pawn the car...because it was impounded.

Authorities recently confiscated marijuana plants that were growing from the lamp post baskets on High Street, in downtown Millville, NJ.. Police have been receiving anonymous tips and suspect more drug activity taking place on Acid Trip Blvd., Needle Mark Lane, and Crystal Meth Court. Good work, Lou...

Nearly 75 people gathered in Keene, N.H.'s Central Square at 4:20 p.m. Thursday, to protest drug laws as city councilors grapple with a resolution that would decriminalize small amounts of marijuana. Shockingly, none of the 75 had to be at work at that time.

Botanists have created a marijuana plant that can produce twice as much pot.It's from the genus double jointus. 

According to Associated Press, "The 20-year-old R&B singer worked along with two others who were serving probation, clearing tall weeds and brush by hand and with yard tools."

 I thought bush-whacking was what got him in trouble in the first place.

Andy Rooney recently had his eyebrows groomed by his gardener who used a weed whacker and a rake.  

Rapper Lil Wayne pleaded guilty in Manhattan court today to a gun charge.

Last year, following a performance at the Beacon Theater in NYC, cops raided Lil Wayne’s tour bus on the suspicion that he was in the possession of marijuana. But what they found was a bit more serious than a little weed.

When the NYPD approached the bus, Lil Wayne allegedly tossed a Louis Vuitton bag with a gun inside, which got him charged with attempted weapon possession.

Authorities reportedly tied the gun to Lil Wayne using “a debated, highly sensitive DNA profiling technique”:

He’s black… He’s a rapper… He’s guilty! 

Kayne West once tried to interrupt Willy Nelson by saying "This weed is pretty good...and Imma let us finish...but..." Kanye then proceeded to wander off into a hypnotic state, cementing the fact that you just don't fuck with Willy Nelson's weed!

Sioux City has a message for smokers. The city is no ashtray. In an effort to clean up the cigarette butts tossed on sidewalks and streets, the city is offering businesses 4-gallon trashcans as it kicks off an anti-liter campaign. In a similar move, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Apario informed businesses that in order to erase the unsightly scene of illegal immigrants gathering around businesses such as Home Depot and Lowe’s, the sheriffs office would be handing out 55-gallon containers and adult body bags, no questions asked.

I wonder if Native Americans celebrate Columbus day...It'd be like Detroit celebrating slavery.

There was a sign in the road that said no "U" turns, too bad it left out the cursive "V" turn....or upside down “n” turn......I think I'll take the cursive "V".

I know a genius....to bad he's retarded. 

When I was a kid, soccer was my anti drug, now that i'm all grown up, marijuana is my gateway drug. 

Cocaine is just sugar all grown up....Have you ever had the all grown up frosted flakes? ...............THEY'RRRRRRRRRRRREE... addictive

My girlfriend is so clingy and obsessed, i have a better chance getting rid of herpes than her.

Flies are like the herpes of insects, you can get rid of them for a while, but they always come back...ant's are like crabs....fucking everywhere.

Edible underwear are just fruit roll ups tied into a pretzel.

I'm pretty sure i'm good at drinking....but i don't remember.

I got a golden glove, not in baseball, in boxing....I always caught a good punch...with my face

I hate male porn stars, they make me feel shitty about myself.... and last time i tried to choke a girl like they do, she just kicked the shit out of me.

I tried hard in school....until the second day came.

Guys, I figured out what turns a girl on, the power button.

I'm good at sex, I've gotten every girl I've had sex with to scream “Get Off!!!” interpret that anyway you please.

My mind sucks at wandering....it always gets stuck in the gutter

I live life in the fast lane....of a traffic jam.

(talking to the crowd)Over the years, i've realized i'm a lot funnier the drunker you are......to an extent.

I approach every math problem with the same thing... a blank stare

I was late for work the other day, and my boss asked me why i was late, so i told him i got lost....He asked where....

I don't think prostitutes ever got the bird and the bees talk.

People say God is flawless...Have you ever seen the people from Kentucky??? The big guy forgot to double check that one.

If Jesus was the greatest man to walk the earth, can I be the second best?

I don't think Hitler was loved enough as a child.