(here is where i would put the picture if i weren't technologically retarded)

caption:

he should at least be wearing a world cup

Soccer star Ronaldo hooked up with Paris Hilton at a Hollywood nightclub. It's very easy to score when there's no opposition.
 

U.S. soccer shocked the world by defeating Spain 2-0 to reach the final of the Confederations Cup. Of course, the real shocker is that an American radio show cares.

My mom's a conspiracy theorist. Most kids get to have a Soccer Mom, I get the "9/11 Was An Inside Job" mom.

American Joey Chestnut won another hot dog eating championship over the weekend. Which totally makes up for our soccer team losing to Brazil.

Real Madrid has insured Cristiano Ronaldo's legs for $142 million. In related news, the Los Angeles Galaxy has insured David Beckham's brain for $3 and an In-N-Out burger.

Anna Ferris was born Feb. 11, 1900, in New York City. That’s right, she’s 109-years-old. But she didn’t let her age stop her from participating in the annual senior games this past weekend at Thomas Bull Memorial Park in Orange County, New York. Her grandson Joe Begendorf says, “She’s doing this well because we try to keep her out of the wheelchair as much as possible.” So what did she accomplish at this year’s games? Well, she finished the 100-meter dash with support only from her walker, she used a metal bat to hit a softball 15 feet off a tee, she threw a football more than 9 feet and she even kicked a soccer ball and hit the back of the net! Joe says that was her proudest moment of the day and for all 109 years of splendor and life, she smiled with the excitement of a little girl.  ***MARLAR: She also came in first place in the “Yell at Kids to Get Off Your Lawn” contest.

Hard to believe--a story about a South  American courntry and scoring that doesn't involve Governor Mark Sanford.  

I wonder if Native Americans celebrate Columbus day...It'd be like Detroit celebrating slavery.

There was a sign in the road that said no "U" turns, too bad it left out the cursive "V" turn....or upside down “n” turn......I think I'll take the cursive "V".

I know a genius....to bad he's retarded. 

When I was a kid, soccer was my anti drug, now that i'm all grown up, marijuana is my gateway drug. 

Cocaine is just sugar all grown up....Have you ever had the all grown up frosted flakes? ...............THEY'RRRRRRRRRRRREE... addictive

My girlfriend is so clingy and obsessed, i have a better chance getting rid of herpes than her.

Flies are like the herpes of insects, you can get rid of them for a while, but they always come back...ant's are like crabs....fucking everywhere.

Edible underwear are just fruit roll ups tied into a pretzel.

I'm pretty sure i'm good at drinking....but i don't remember.

I got a golden glove, not in baseball, in boxing....I always caught a good punch...with my face

I hate male porn stars, they make me feel shitty about myself.... and last time i tried to choke a girl like they do, she just kicked the shit out of me.

I tried hard in school....until the second day came.

Guys, I figured out what turns a girl on, the power button.

I'm good at sex, I've gotten every girl I've had sex with to scream “Get Off!!!” interpret that anyway you please.

My mind sucks at wandering....it always gets stuck in the gutter

I live life in the fast lane....of a traffic jam.

(talking to the crowd)Over the years, i've realized i'm a lot funnier the drunker you are......to an extent.

I approach every math problem with the same thing... a blank stare

I was late for work the other day, and my boss asked me why i was late, so i told him i got lost....He asked where....

I don't think prostitutes ever got the bird and the bees talk.

People say God is flawless...Have you ever seen the people from Kentucky??? The big guy forgot to double check that one.

If Jesus was the greatest man to walk the earth, can I be the second best?

I don't think Hitler was loved enough as a child.

To the members of the U.S Soccer team, blowing a 2 goal lead to world powerhouse Brazil was a huge disappointment and very sad. To the rest of the country, not so much.

The U.S. pounded China 8-0 at the Baseball World Cup. The Chinese team was furious to find out their shoes were made with led.