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Time Machine
Joke Cloud (Popular topics)
Robot
Hot Topic
Robot Jokes

39 Jokes & 5 Videos

Submit Your Joke | View All Hot Topics | View All Jokes
A Goody From Our Archive...   March 28, 2007

Gregory B Dubno
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Michael Jackson wants Vegas robot

By: Gregory B Dubno (C)
Submitted: Mar 28, 2007
Category: Entertainment  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Michael Jackson

202 Jokes  3 Videos

Michael Jackson is in discussions about creating a 50-foot robotic replica of himself to roam the Las Vegas desert, according to reports.

Transformers, hide your children.

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Hot Topic Robot 39 Jokes
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Mark Leib
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Japanese Engineers Unveil Lifelike Female Robot

By: Mark Leib (M)
Submitted: Mar 16, 2009
Category: News  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Robot

39 Jokes  5 Videos

Japanese Engineers Unveil Lifelike Female Robot

Three days after her unveiling, she has accumulated 325 pairs of shoes, craves chocolate once a month and considers Wall-e, sponge worthy.


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Ken Newton
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Proof of an ancient Lake on Mars

By: Ken Newton (C)
Submitted: Jun 18, 2009
Category: News  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Space

277 Jokes  3 Videos

Proof of an ancient Lake on Mars

I would love to know how many millions of dollars are spent every year evaluating whether life existed on Mars or if we could pack and move there.  Well 3 billion years ago there was a lake there.  A lot of good that does us now.  That's kind of like running out of gas in the desert and having somebody stop by to say "Too bad you're out of gas, 5 years ago there was a gas station in this very spot" and then speeding off on you. 

Maybe we can cure hunger here before we send another robotic remote control car to Mars to find out it's full of rocks.  NASA stands for Not As Smart As You Think.  I guess that's NASAYT.


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Steve Hofstetter's National Lampoon Sports Minute
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Japanese Develop Robot

By: Steve Hofstetter's National Lampoon Sports Minute (C)
Submitted: Jul 27, 2009
Category: Sports  
From Hot Topic

Robot

39 Jokes  5 Videos

A Japanese firm has developed a robot that can throw and hit. It's also got more depth than Alex Rodriguez.


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Gary B.
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NASA lost moon footage, but Hollywood restores it

By: Gary B. (C)
Submitted: Jul 17, 2009
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

Hollywood

175 Jokes  8 Videos

Strangely, in the Hollywood restored footage, the lunar module transforms into an alien robot.


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J.A. Laraque
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And the crown forms the head!

By: J.A. Laraque (C)
Submitted: Jul 7, 2009
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

Statue Of Liberty

11 Jokes

And the crown forms the head!

With the crown of the Statue of Liberty reopened we finally have a functioning robot that can stand against the mighty devastator.

 


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Gary B.
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Actor who played robot on Lost in Space dies

By: Gary B. (C)
Submitted: Jan 19, 2009
Category: Entertainment  
From Hot Topic

Robot

39 Jokes  5 Videos

Bob May who played the robot in the hit series "Lost in Space" died at age 69.  After his stint on "Lost in Space" May could not find any acting jobs, but he spent many years on the comedy club circuit doing a dead-on impersonation of Al Gore.


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Shel Natowsky
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New Female Japanese Robot, HRP-4C, Won't Relace Wife...Yet!

By: Shel Natowsky (C)
Submitted: Mar 17, 2009
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

Robot

39 Jokes  5 Videos

New Female Japanese Robot, HRP-4C, Won't Relace Wife...Yet!

The head of Japan's Engineering  Directorate, Dr.Wakonabi Komasaki says that, "New Femare lobot is stir deficient for has no genitar, bleast, or tonging mouth. Better ruck next time! I am U.S. joking!" 


Japanese Engineers Unveil Lifelike Female Robot

 

 

"I good with hand. Can do you job!"


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Greg Manuel
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Random Thoughts on a Random Occurrence

By: Greg Manuel (C)
Submitted: Mar 18, 2009
Category: Blogs  
From Hot Topic

Porn

198 Jokes  9 Videos

Driving along the other day, I saw something that I think I'd never seen before. It was so mundane, yet it never occurred to me that I'd never seen it before until I saw it. Still with me?

Anyway, the thing in question: an ice cream truck filling up at a gas station.

Isn't that odd? You go your whole life experiencing something, and somehow your mind treats that thing as if it exists OUTSIDE of the logic and rules that applies to the rest of us. An ice cream truck needing fuel. Simple. Logical. And yet, downright bizarre. It's like finding out that your parents have an active sex life. You know it had to happen at least ONCE (or however many times, depending on how many siblings you have), but try to picture it. You can't, can you? Probably because your brain doesn't WANT to for fear it will melt, but still...

Or to take it further; it's like finding out your teacher uses douche. Back when you were a schoolkid, didn't you all but assume your teacher just wasn't a real being? After all, you only experienced your teacher within the boundaries of school. At the most, you probably assumed she just LIVED at school. Hell, if you knew me when I was 8, and you told me my teacher was in fact a robot, and after 3pm rolled around and we'd all gone home, the janitor flicked a switch behind her hair and wheeled her into a closet, I would not have found a problem with that theory AT ALL. But then Saturday rolls around and you're at your CVS, minding your business but who should you see in the feminine hygiene aisle..."Mrs. Blumenthal??"

Blumenthal...that seems to be a name that kind of seals your professional fate, doesn't it? You never hear about the Adventures of Captain Blumenthal and his Screaming Justice Rangers, or John Blumenthal, Trailblazing Civil Rights Champion - or even Harvey Blumenthal, Porn Icon - but say you have an appointment with Doctor Seth Blumenthal, Long Island-based podiatrist. Better make sure you find the one who has YOUR chart...  


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Steve Etzkorn
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From The People Who Gave Us Monsters,Inc

By: Steve Etzkorn (M)
Submitted: Mar 29, 2009
Category: Entertainment  
From Hot Topic

Robot

39 Jokes  5 Videos

Animation studio Pixar is coming out with a sequel to one of their more critically acclaimed features. Set in the distant future, it's about a robotic fishing trawler working on the Great Lakes region of the midwest....
Working Title---"Wall-Eye".

They are also making a film that best reflects their success and deftness at generating enormous box office revenue. The feature is set in the open west and the story centers around a talking herd of cattle that do nothing but crap gold bricks...
Working Title---"Cash Cows"

Pixar Studio's first 9 animated films have earned nearly $5 Billion dollars. They reportedly have negotiated for the rights to a story involving "Ian Fleming's James Bond" character and a tie-in with their famous French rodent chef who works with Britain's MI6...
Working Title---"Ratatouille II...License To Print Money"


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Albert Hayden
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The peach farmer’s mistress

By: Albert Hayden (C)
Submitted: Oct 27, 2009
Category: Blogs  
From Hot Topic

Hooker

193 Jokes  5 Videos

My wife Jenny and I have two conditional rules in our three-year-old marriage once a month I am allowed to sleep with a hooker and when she is away for extended periods of time, I am allowed to sleep with our neighbours’ 18-year-old daughter Nancy Smith. Now the only conditions about these two rules are that my wife is never allowed to find out about either the hookers or randy Nancy.

Being a writer, I spend most of my day at home while my wife works at some bank (who’s name I am not allowed to mention) as a consultant. I spend at most about five months a year really writing; the other months are spent promoting whatever I have written and mowing the lawn or something. Depending on my mood and emotional health, some months or years I simply just take off. This means that most often I have a lot of time to kill by practising my hobbies such as growing peaches in our backyard or bedding Mr and Ms Smiths’ youngest daughter.

Nancy’s visits used to be a once-a-week thing due to her possessive boyfriend and her busy schedule as a first-year medical student, but the weekly visits were fine with me since I was only fucking her for the experience of her tight vagina and her fetish to be tied up. Months later when my wife caught us in bed together for the first time, Nancy was getting fucked like a dog with her head forced into the pillow and her hands tied behind her back ― a scene my wife labeled as “barbaric” and “distastefully brutal”.

After about a month of screwing around, Nancy dumped her possessive boyfriend which meant that we were able to play on a daily basis. Each morning after my wife left for work, Nancy would attend her first class of the day which usually involved biting and bondage. The sweet “ding dong” sound of the front doorbell ringing while I laid in bed reading the paper went as well with my coffee as blasphemy. My first-touch with sunlight for the day would usually be when I open the door for Nancy. Her routine ― yet irritating and redundant ― question of “Is the lovely wife gone?” would usually be the only words out of her mouth not dictated through screams. I usually respond by saying: “I am going to fuck you so hard you are going to split in half.” Nancy’s daily visits opened up the windows to both experimentation and wariness. When my wife caught us for the second time together I was once again entering Nancy from a rear position. This time the words “In here” were written on Nancy’s lower back with a black marker and an arrow was pointing towards her anus ― unlike the previous time, my wife refrained from making a comment.

My affair with Nancy became the oyster garden for my inspiration as a writer, but not for my life. Even though a lot of work was being done behind the typewriter and behind the 18-year-old sexual prodigy, I kind of became bored with life. Screwing Nancy behind my wife’s back was exciting to a certain extend, but I had a bigger lust for wickedness. At the tender age of 27 I have achieved tremendous success by means of simply minimising my workload and maximising my self-confidence and persistency. But despite all of that, I have simply run out of ways to enjoy the simple things in life. It started to feel that every day I lived and every single thing I did was just another forgettable moment that has passed. The more I searched for excitement the more erratic my behaviour became, especially my new-found habit of touching myself while in conversation.

My sudden change in behaviour and my refusal to go for therapy did raise some questions among my loved ones, especially my beloved wife (who won’t learn about my and Nancy’s affair for another three months). Jenny was starting to feel guilty and she admitted that due to her long hours at the office, she was neglecting me. I wasn’t that bothered by Jenny’s “negligence” because I was too busy fucking Nancy and maintaining my mini orchard to even notice that there was a distance growing between me and my wife. I was however very amused by the irony of the entire situation since I was convinced that my wife was having an affair with a co-worker, Michelle Olwagen. My suspicions of my wife having an extramarital relationship with a female co-worker didn’t bother me even the slightest bit; for starters, I was busy fucking a barely legal teenager on a daily basis and secondly, it’s not like some other guy was putting his fat cock inside my wife.  And even though I have never met or seen Michelle Olwagen before in my life, I knew someone very well who knew her very well.

It was a Thursday evening and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky when I drove through the city on my way back from a meeting with my publisher. I was waiting for the green light at a robot when my eye caught two superfine women standing on the street corner; the one was smoking a cigarette and the other one was exchanging words with a distinctive gentleman who looked like a policeman. Judging by the way the women were dressed and the quality of the area, the thought that they were hookers didn’t even pass through my mind ― I would rather have mistaken them for two power-dressed lawyers than streetlovers. But when they approached my car with a charismatic “Hey there, you” I knew that they are the type of women who only accepts cash.

Now I have never really gone as far as my brother to actually sleep with one of the princesses of twilight, but it has always been somewhat of a hidden desire and definitely in the top spot of my to-do list. If this part of my life had a chapter, I would have called it: “Meeting the other end of the rope”.

Prostitutes have always been similar to a good movie to me. If a lot of different people pay money to go see a movie, it is most certainly a box-office hit. The same goes for a prostitute. If many different guys, who could rather fuck their wife or girlfriend, would go so far as to pay a woman to fuck her, then her box must surely be a hit.

The two prostitutes that approached my car must have been somewhat of an upper class or new to the business, because they were too well groomed for a hooker ― especially the way the one’s pubic hair was trimmed into the shape of a half-moon. The same night I saw the one prostitute’s moon-shaped pubes, I learned that she does prostitution as a part-time job and to “watch people act frail”. I found this absolutely intriguing.

That first night I met my two new friends ― Moonflower and Gothgirl69 ― I bought them both. They were so cheap, it was literally a buy one get one free special. I took them to a Holiday Inn near my house because it would raise the minimum amount of suspicion and most importantly, it was convenient for me. Since I am the type of guy who has enough confidence in his sexual performance, I don’t do threesomes or orgies. So when we approached the elevator, I told Moonflower to kindly wait in the bar area while I take her friend, Gothgirl69 (which turned out to be a competitor), to the hotel room so we could get things up to business. After I did both of them and paid for their drinks while they waited their turn, I gave them their money and assured them that we would hook up again ― I did, however, only continue seeing Moonflower.

From there on it became a regular thing. The sex I had with the prostitute, Moonflower, was passionate and gentle and the sex I had with Nancy was violent. My wife, who still haven’t found out about my affairs, kept on working long hours and I was still convinced that she was sleeping with that Michelle girl. Now and then my wife would query on the bite marks and bruises on my body. Once when I contracted a mysterious rash on my dick (most likely from Nancy, but it turned out to be Moonflower), I narrowly escaped being caught out before telling my wife that I got the rash from her and that she might be suffering from some fungus on her virginal area (luckily for me, Jenny just happened to have a fungus on her left lip which she contracted from Michelle).

It was close encounters like these that made me master the art of lying to Jenny, usually about the origin of my injuries.  Sometimes I even confused Jenny into believing that she gave them to me during some sexual brawl.

“Those are your handy work my love,” I would often say to her before accepting her apology which was usually followed by a missionary-style fuck. It is when the sex life you share with your wife is degraded to plain old missionary style that you know that the spark is gone. But in the rare times that I did however made passionate love to my wife, it was usually with anger ― not the angry sex that I had with Nancy, but the type of angry sex that says, “What the fuck have we done to each other?” Sometimes Jenny wanted our lovemaking to be soft and gentle; I preferred thrusting her like I was paying to do so.

The morning my wife caught me with Nancy for the second time, I thought that it was over for sure. It was only after an embarrassed Nancy left and my wife and I sat down at the kitchen table that she confessed to having an affair.  My wife told me that she was suffering from depression and that the affair was with a female colleague; she further told me that her lover had decided to end their eight-month affair after meeting a man. As I held my wife I felt her tears running down my chest which still carried the aroma of Nancy’s pussy― and at that moment I told her that I only slept with Nancy three times and that she caught us two out of the three times. But whether my wife believed me or not about the “three times” I had been with Nancy, it was the truth when I told her that I would never see Nancy again. After four months with Nancy, we have literally exhausted our imaginations and our sexual abilities ― there was simply nothing more humanly possible that we could do in the bedroom.

After my wife confessed to her affair with Michelle Olwagen, we didn’t separate. It had absolutely no affect on our relationship as most people would imagine. We did however start to have somewhat of a steamier sex life ― Jenny even allowed me to butt-fuck her ― and she also started seeing a therapist to help her deal with her depression. Jenny and I agreed to work harder at our marriage, but I wasn’t able to let Moonflower go. With Nancy out of my life and my wife under the impression that the holes in our marriage were all patched up, I was able to continue my affair with the prostitute.  One evening when my wife was out with friends, I invited moonflower over to our house for the first time.  She told me that due to the feelings she started to have for me after months of sleeping together, it was no longer necessary for me to pay her. She sex that followed was the worst sex I ever had with Moonflower; I guess since money was no longer involved it just wasn’t the same. That night was the final straw in my marriage. When my wife caught me for the third time with another woman, she did have a comment.

“So this is the jerk you have left me for, Michelle?”


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