Back in the days of dial-up, I once was spending an inordinate amount of time online when my mother wanted me to untie the phone line.

"Get up offa that thing," she barked.

"And dance til you feel better," was my reply. She wasn't amused.

Farewell, Godfather. You taught us the only real way to live. Hit it and quit it, baby. Hit it and quit it.

Finishing in close second was Octomom.

Typical  Muslim Terrrorist child upbringing words of advice from parents. "Keep to yourself, walk softly, Praise Allah and carry a Neutron Bomb at all times."

Photo Shown is a 5 year old Muslim Future Terrorist having playtime with parents.

A two year old Tennessee boy helped his mother deliver her fourth baby on their living room couch.  When a reporter asked him if he'd been scared or nervous, the toddler replied, "Ha!  No way; the last two were C-sections!"

   My wife, Margaret, was 8 1/2 months pregnant when our teenage son, Frankie, asked her a difficult moral question.

   Struggling to find the right words, Marge stammered, "You can't...you shouldn't.  I mean, it would be best if you didn't..."

   "Dad!" interrupted Frankie; addressing me, in the next room.  "Mom's having contractions!"  

My dad heard a Bob Marley cover on TV and shook his head saying "Nope. Only Bob Marley can sing that song."

I disagree. Anybody but Bob Marley can sing that song, because he's dead. 

In Anchorage, Alaska, 27-year-old Cheng Saelee robbed his own mother at gunpoint because she wouldn't give him money to help pay a $430 parking ticket! The Anchorage district attorney said that Saelee was also convicted of illegally contacting his mother from jail and trying to get her to drop the charges. Saelee was arrested after he became angry during an argument with his parents, got a handgun from his room and pointed the weapon at his mother.  ***MARLAR: True to a mother’s form though, she immediately spoke up for her son saying he was the best-looking mugger she’d ever seen.

A Japanese jetliner is asking passengers to go to the bathroom before takeoff to help increase efficiency and cut down on pollution. All Nippon Airways has also started using recycled paper cups and switched from glass to paper bottles in an attempt to make every flight just a little bit lighter. They estimate that if 50% of passengers relieve themselves before boarding, the airline will produce 4.2 fewer tons of CO2 per month.  ***MARLAR: It’s bad enough that your dad tells you to go to the bathroom before going on a trip, now you’re going to hear it from your pilot.

The green movement is claiming that "diaper-free babies" will help save the planet.  That’s right – no diapers on babies at all.  They say disposable diapers create landfill waste, while washing cloth diapers pollutes the water.  So what is their solution?  Their "retro, cutting-edge, environmentally-friendly" idea is to encourage moms to let their babies go diaperless and carry tight-lidded buckets with them. They suggest parents get in tune with the baby's bodily signals, and when it's ready to, well, “let fly,” hold the baby over the bucket, a toilet, bushes, or any convenient receptacle.  ***MARLAR: How about holding the baby over the head of anyone who suggests this?  You think sitting next to a baby on an airplane is bad now…

10. You are sitting around when a girl you know is a real bitch comes up to you and says, “You look really put together. Like you aren’t on drugs today.” Your response, “Well, that’s normally the way I tolerate you. Too bad I don’t have that buffer today. Damn those twelve steps.”

9. You have been ranting and raving on the phone about a sucky day you are having when this woman, who is publically breast feeding and has her tits hanging out for all to see, tells you to be quiet because this language will corrupt her child. That’s when you hand the homeless crackhead ten bucks and tell him to grab her tits. That will put her in her place.

8. A rich snob that lives in your neighborhood is putting you and your buddies down again for hanging out on the stoop and laughing loudly. Tell the junkie ex-con who you know has committed a string of robberies in the neighborhood she has twenty bucks on her…..

7. Your roommate has a lady friend you can’t stand that is always making backhanded comments about how you dress when she is a bleach blonde with a bad die job. Casually mention your cousin is getting out of prison after twenty years because he strangled his girlfriend with her bra, stuffed her panties in her mouth, and dumped her body by the train tracks. Then tell he wants to come visit next week to see how much you have grown, and likes platinum blondes.

6. You know this girl who is always doing things for attention. Lately she is claiming a Jamaican guy sexually assaulted her just to see a guy infatuated with her beat someone up. Look at her pretending to be concerned and mention, “I know plenty of Jamaicans. And they never assault anyone with a flat chest. At least not as far as I know.”

5. You are at a gathering when a girl who is dressed like a treasure troll in drag continually makes jokes about you being a slut. Turn to her, smile, and say, “Why? Jealous I get some and you don’t. Im sure if you looked under the draw bridge your Froto would be there for you.”

4. A crazy girl who has been sending you nasty notes on myspace and making your life hell blogs about how she is a responsible mother and how people don’t understand how hard it is. Meanwhile the slut had the four kids to three guys at sixteen. You should comment on the blog, “Wow, must be hard work being a breeding lump. I mean , you lay down on your back a lot but still, gold star for a job shamelessly done.”

3. You recently got a promotion at your job and this girl who is clearly jealous of you is bad mouthing you saying she can’t believe you got it and she didn’t. That’s when you say, “You can’t believe it. Oh ye of little faith.”

2. You see a girl you went to high school with that is a total princess in every respect of the word. When she sees you after years of having not had contact, acts as if she is disgusted by your appearance. That’s when, as you calmly sip your coffee say, “By the way, I contracted Hep C not long ago. Want a sip?”

1. If any of these responses illicit a challenge for a cat fight by any of these party’s tell them you would fight except it is against your policy to assault the mentally handicapped. And then summon the nearest officer of the law when they are yelling and screaming and say you believe they wandered out of a group home and could he help them find their way back. And walk off into the sunset.

Newly-released documents show that Winston Churchill used to watch the movie "Bambi" late at night to inspire him during World War II.  ***MARLAR: It's also why he would never wander out into an open field with his mother.