A New York woman has been convicted of embezzling $2.3 million to feed her $6,000 a day lottery addiction.

As punishment she’ll be forced to stand in line for three years behind the obese and elderly as they slowly unfold crinkled dollar bills and pick lotto numbers.

A 70-year-old widower in Germany won a $4 million lottery, but he says he doesn't want the money because his wife is gone and he has no children, so he doesn't know what he'd do with it.  ***MARLAR: Wow . . . he was married so long that he forgot how to spend his own money!

The entire police force in the town of Budaörs, Hungary, quit after winning more than $16 million in the lottery. The group of 15 officers presented their lottery ticket and quit on the spot. Each of the winners will receive a little more than $1.1 million in winnings. Police chiefs have culled together back-up units to serve the region until more full-time officers can be recruited.  ***MARLAR: “To protect and to serve”... unless I no longer need the cash.

The last place New York Islanders have won the NHL draft lottery and will have the first overall pick. Unfortunately, the rules do not allow them to draft a new GM.

A Kansas man has won the state lottery twice in one year.

Before you become green with envy, remember that the man lives in Kansas.

The L.A. Clippers won the NBA draft lottery in an upset. And no one was more upset than Blake Griffin. Congratulations to the Clippers on the win.  Making the last time this year you'll hear the words "Clippers" and "win" in the same sentence.

I hear the Obama Nobel Peace Prize announcement has been traced to Nigeria. Next week, he'll get an email saying he won $10 million in a lottery he never entered. Don't send the $500 "good faith" money, Barack!

...a Queens man won the NY lotto using Bernie Madoff's prison number, 0-5-4....Old McDonald won Kansas lottery with winning ticket E-I-E-I-O.

There is a lottery for seats at Michael Jackson’s funeral and there are only 20,000 spots available. For that much crap he better damn well get up and moonwalk.

William Rudd, a 64-year-old retiree from Salem, has collected more than 1,500 prizes including food, gift certificates and other goodies under the state lottery's "Replay" program, which gives losing lottery tickets a second chance to win. Here's just a sampling of his haul: four bottles of maple syrup, 20 pizzas, 33 ice cream cones, 86 cinnamon buns, 92 steakhouse gift certificates, 161 chicken sandwiches, and 484 cups of coffee to wash it all down. Oh, yeah. And a one-month fitness club membership.  ***MARLAR: Well, the bible does say “the last will be first.”

There's never one around when you need one. If spree killers shot people who really deserved it, they'd be a lot more popular. You're standing in line on your lunch hour to deposit your paycheck at the bank behind a little old lady who doesn't speak English who's trying to transfer her life savings to a relative in a remote mountain village in Kazahkstan that doesn't have a phone – or a bank. That's when you really need a lone wolf killer to make a deposit – of a cap in her ass. Next customer!

You're waiting in line at the 7-11 on a Friday night. All you want to do is buy a six pack, go home and watch “Washington Week in Review” but the guy in front of you is buying 200 lottery tickets. I got your winning number right here: 357.

Or you're in the checkout lane at the grocery store and the woman in front of you wants a price check on crab meat. Hey, bitch, it's crab meat. It's supposed to be expensive. Blam, blam, blam. Cleanup in aisle three.