In the news today, scientists noted a rise in the temperature of the band of ocean water called El Nino of several degrees and expect this means 2007 will be hotter than 2006.  Skiers have responded to climate change by proposing erecting an man-made reef off the coast of Maine to be composed entirely of skis.  Sharks are also expected to gather there for the human sacrifice of one skier each day until snow returns to the slopes.

The National Resources Defense Council reports that 12 national parks are in danger of drought, wildfire and diminished wildlife due to global warming—in lieu of reducing greenhouse gases, the Government will simply rename the parks Death Valleys 1-12.

A recent shot of "Glacier" National Park:

Hideous future world of gloom will be quite comfortable

Everyone is talking about things like hybrid cars and solar panels as ways to save energy and stem the tide of gloabal warming, but these methods are expensive and inconvenient. That's why DailyComedy is offering ways to help the environment that, although almost completely ineffective, aren't overly burdensome.

So here they are, in no particular order: The five least effective ways to combat global warming:

5. Lose the electric toothbrush. The jury is still out on whether electric toothbrushes are better at removing plaque than the old-fashioned kind. So why not save precious electricity and get a light workout at the same time?

4. Try parking in the driveway now and then instead of driving all the way into the garage. When the weather is mild, you can use this technique to save (literally) pennies worth of gas.

3. The less a car weighs, the less power it requires and the more fuel-efficient it is. But even if you drive an SUV, you can still lighten the load by cleaning out all the unnecessary crap. Old maps? Throw them away. Have you ever even looked at that owner's manual? Get rid of it. Those extra ounces are robbing you of vital fuel economy.

2. Ask yourself this, "How important is proper spelling?" Your printer doesn't run on good vibes. It takes old-fashioned electricity to print out extra copies of your document. If a potential employer asks you about all the typos on your resume, just tell him you're doing your part to save Mother Earth.

1. For God's sake, turn off the backlight on your iPod.

In many offices, there are birthday parties.  In many large offices, there are multiple birthday parties.  Needless to say, the excess of birthday parties comes with an excess of birthday cakes.  And if one actively participates in a year’s worth of office-related birthday parties (with their rich and gooey cakes), one can begin to resemble a late-life Marlon Brando.

Now I like birthday cake just like the next slob.  And I also like ice cream.  But I don’t like ice cream cakes.  They are not easy to enjoy, especially if you are standing around a conference room table trying to slice the ice cream cake with one hand while balancing a wobbly paper plate in the other.

One office birthday party some time back, I was given a solid slice of chocolate ice cream cake and a plastic fork.  The fork did not survive its encounter with the ice cream cake.  I obtained a second fork, waited a couple of minutes for the ice cream cake to defrost somewhat, and I did a second attack.  At this point I was back at my desk, where I could do battle from the comfort of a chair – this was not a conflict that could easily be accomplished while standing.

The fork penetrated the slice of ice cream cake and made some progress.  I emphasize the word “some,” as the fork became lodged about a quarter-inch into its target and could neither go forward nor retreat.  And, not surprisingly, this occurred when a telephone call came in.

Thus, I am sitting at my desk with a telephone balanced in one hand while I am enduring an Arthurian struggle in the other hand – but rather than extract a sword from a stone, I was extracting a plastic fork from an ice cream cake.  Or at least that was the idea – for the most part, I was waving the fork-impaled ice cream cake like a gavel, dripping bits of too-slowly-melting chocolate ice cream across the blanket of paperwork atop my desk.

Clearly the person on the far end of my phone call is realizing there is a problem at my end.  “What’s going on there?” he asks.

“I am trying to eat Three Stooges cake,” I reply.

“It sounds like you should be hitting Curly-Joe on the head with it,” he answers.

Since Curly-Joe was not available for cranium crashing, I found myself continuing the unhappy task of having my cake and eating it, too.  The fork was eventually, after several minutes of polite struggle, liberated with a bite-sized chunk.  Upon contact with my teeth, however, I felt as if I was French kissing Mr. Freeze. 

Both the ice cream cake and the valiant little fork found its way into the nearest trashcan.  Whether the ice cream cake ever melted is something I cannot answer – though I suspect even with global warming it is still sitting in a solid block in some distant rubbish dump, confounding the seagulls and rats that try to peck away at it.

North Carolina state Senator Charles W. Albertson pushed for a climate-change panel despite the fact he is "not completely convinced" that human activity is behind Global Warming.

Later he reluctantly expressed support for NASA even though he still can't comprehend how the space shuttles can orbit a flat planet.

"Clean air is gooder than dirty air." he agreed, "I'm hoping that the people in charge can get on that."

He also announced that he will seek the Democratic nomination for president in 2008.

Bad writing is like bad cooking – you know it immediately upon impact and it is never tasty – unless you hold it up to ridicule, of course.

Here is an unedited text that is supposed to go into the publication where I am currently laboring.  I won’t ID the writer here, but let’s just say this is actually one of her better efforts! 

<<< 

Use and Abuse of Web Videos - Signed, Anonymous

Former presidential candidate Al Gore’s documentary “An Inconvenient Truth” made waves this summer as both a blockbuster hit and a requiem on the state of global warming, but last week a controversy surrounding the movie surfaced, putting a public affairs/PR firm in the hot seat: A video spoof of Gore’s film shown on YouTube.com that was allegedly created by a 29-year-old Beverly Hills resident has been traced back to a computer registered with Washington D.C.-based DCI Group.  While the firm has declined to comment on why press communications with the supposed video maker appear to originate in their office, the news raised eyebrows all around, especially considering that DCI counts once-environmental-offender Exxon Mobile Corp. among its clients.

Al Gore and DCI Group do have one thing in common, though.  Both have used the Internet as a tool to position themselves in the global warming debate.  Gore and his film distributor Paramount Classics used a Web video on YouTube.com to generate word-of-mouth buzz before the release of the film, while DCI Group has used its opinion Web site Tech Central Station to raise doubts about the legitimacy of global warming.  The conclusion: Web videos are playing an increasing role in PR, adding yet another dimension to new-media channels.

>>>

Okay, now let's play the copy editor from hell and dissect this inert body:

“Former presidential candidate Al Gore’s documentary “An Inconvenient Truth” made waves this summer as both a blockbuster hit and a requiem on the state of global warming, but last week a controversy surrounding the movie surfaced, putting a public affairs/PR firm in the hot seat”

Two clichés in one sentence (made waves and the hot seat), plus aa bizarre definition of his film (how can you have a requiem for something that is still alive?).  

“A video spoof of Gore’s film shown on YouTube.com that was allegedly created by a 29-year-old Beverly Hills resident has been traced back to a computer registered with Washington D.C.-based DCI Group.  While the firm has declined to comment on why press communications with the supposed video maker appear to originate in their office, the news raised eyebrows all around, especially considering that DCI counts once-environmental-offender Exxon Mobile Corp. among its clients.”

More clichés (the reference to “raised eyebrows all around” makes it seem like a population of Groucho Marx imitators have taken over).  And is there any importance that the spoofer was a 29-year-old Beverly Hills resident?  And how about “once-environmental-offender Exxon Mobile Corp.” (Exxon is in the cell phone business now?).

“Al Gore and DCI Group do have one thing in common, though.  Both have used the Internet as a tool to position themselves in the global warming debate.  Gore and his film distributor Paramount Classics used a Web video on YouTube.com to generate word-of-mouth buzz before the release of the film, while DCI Group has used its opinion Web site Tech Central Station to raise doubts about the legitimacy of global warming.  The conclusion: Web videos are playing an increasing role in PR, adding yet another dimension to new-media channels.”

The conclusion: if the writer of this story was the navigator on the Santa Maria, Columbus would've discovered Spain.