Due to global warming,game 7 of the National Hockey League Finals was skated on thin ice. 

A white, frigid mass that keeps getting bigger and bigger--scientists have named the glacier Kirstie Alley.

L'AQUILA, Italy – President Barack Obama joined other world leaders on Wednesday in backing new targets for battling global warming, supporting a goal of keeping the world's average temperature from rising more than 2 degrees Celsius (3.6 degrees Fahrenheit).  This enormous task will be accomplished by putting muzzles on the 4 hosts of "The View".

Climatologists have narrowed down the origins of global warming to tainted Baked Alaska. 

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Come visit Alaska in the dead of winter.

It's then that we're a winter wonderland.

Don't go out and catch a salmon with a fishing pole - do it the plain old Alaskan way, just like good old Mr. Kodiak Bear - catch that dog gonned fish with your teeth! Yep, get down on all fours in that cold, cold river water and snatch one the only real way!

And there's a gosh happy wildlife boots American Dream up here, too. Uncle Ike "Icicle's Log Cabin" still serves the best tuna and finch sandwich this side of Siberia.

Be it known to all - Alaska is still a remote, wonderful land of the Grizzly, the wolf, Mr. and Ms. Polar Bear (they're growing fins now due to global warming so soon they'll be sharks), the snow fox and some moose.

They're not extinct yet, already? the moose, I means....

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When I meet women,I immediately start talking about global warming.It's a real icebreaker. 

A lot of people don't understand all the interconnected causes of global warming and other environmental crises going on right now, so I now break it down like this:

You ever see a fat guy wearing sweat pants in the summer because it's the only thing that fits?

That fat guy is the Earth, and we have become so bloated with people and factories and cars that we have shoved ourselves into a pair of carbon sweat pants. 

And the sweat collecting underneath his drooping man-tits? That's the melting polar ice caps.

The number of Americans who believe there is solid evidence the Earth is warming because of pollution is at its lowest point in three years, according to a survey released Thursday. The poll of 1,500 adults by the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press found that only 57 percent believe there is strong scientific evidence the Earth has gotten hotter over the past few decades, and as a result, people are viewing the situation as less serious. That's down from 77 percent in 2006, and 71 percent in April 2008.  ***MARLAR: Upon hearing the news, Al Gore said it really burns him up, makes him hot under the collar, and gets his blood boiling.

Billionaire Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, of New York City made philanthropic history by becoming the biggest World benefactor ever in one year by donating  $245,000,000 to a multitude of charitable causes.

People living in The Big Apple are bubbling with pride. The only wrinkle came in the fact that 5 causes really were questionable. These were:

Transvestites, Transsexuals, And Metrosexuals Against Global Warming 

Foundation To Find Missing Midgets And Dwarfs

Society Of  The Most-Supremely Gifted  From Hoboken, New Jersey

Advocates For Gastric Bypass Surgery For Tonya Harding   

The Farrakhan-Sharpton Free School For Rabbinical Training

Britain's Conservative party will propose stopping global warming by banning plasma TVs and other energy-using electronic luxuries.  ***MARLAR: And that’s the CONSERVATIVE party in Britain!  What’s the LIBERAL party want to ban . . . eating?