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 Via abcnews.com
Photo by Ida Mae Astute / ABC
Nicole Richie and her boyfriend of the week, Joel Madden, are having a baby!
Take a close look at this photo from their Diane Sawyer "Good Morning America" interview.
They are both wearing the most conservative clothes they own, probably with the tags still on the back. Nicole is just so happy to be having a baby, not realizing babies are a lot harder to raise than a cabbage patch kid.
Meanwhile, her baby's daddy has his eyes closed in hopes that this is all just a dream and he will wake up any minute now and go back to smoking pot and watching the "Family Guy" marathon. Moments later he will open his eyes and think, "It's going to be a lot harder to talk her into an abortion after this national interview."
On a side note, in the interests of public safety, the baby will be born with its driver’s license revoked.
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In her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, Swiss-born psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross outlined the five stages of grief of someone who is dying. I believe that these stages can be shown to be true in relationships, as well. As a relationship dies, the one on the bad side of the break-up will go through these stages as well. Each individual may experience different scenarios, but the resulting emotions will be quite similar. • Denial and isolation: "This is not happening to me." The individual, will not see that the relationship is heading into the foul waters of deceit and lies that so often happen at the end of a love affair. He/she will not want to believe that the relationship is coming to an end. And although the friends that he/she didn‘t alienate by punching them in defending his/her good name will continually call him/her “trailer trash“, or describe numerous sexual encounters that he/she had experienced with other people, he/she will not believe it. “ No man, you don’t understand. You need to know that this is just the way she is sometimes. I know, she shouldn’t act that way, she’s just drunk. No, she was only talking to the lesbian guitar player when they went out to her truck to smoke pot, while I was on stage.” • Anger: "How dare he/she do this to me." The subject will experience anger, knowing that there is something wrong, but unable to acknowledge that the relationship is coming to an end, and there will be Verbalization of this anger. “What the fuck? Put down the pot-pipe for 5 minutes, so we can talk. Yeah, I know that you are bumming cause “The Family Guy” isn’t on. Why are you acting this way. After all the shit I did for you, you filthy asshole. Seriously, you can’t be serious. What do you mean it might be a good idea to see other people. What do you mean? No, I don’t want to smoke some herb to chill out.” • Bargaining: "I‘ll do anything to keep us together." At this point, the individual will become somewhat delusional, believing that he/she can fix the relationship. He/she will do whatever they can to make the other person happy. Even at the expense of their own dignity. “I guess it would be alright if you go to Jamaica with your friend Mary. I thought you said she was a whore, and always trying to hook you up with guys, oh, I see, she’s changed? No problem baby. Sure, I‘ll go to the store and pick you up a eighteen pack of Bud Light and a pack of Marlborough lights. Oh, your pot dealer is coming over? Sure I can come back in an hour and a half, so I don‘t “freak him“ while he smokes you out. Yeah, I’ll make sure I knock.”
• Depression: "Where will I find another piece of ass, how stupid was I?" At this point, the individual knows that there is little that can be done to save the relationship. He/she will have concerns that loneliness, and a permanent loss of physical intimacy looms on the horizon. Bouts with alcohol, and or chemical abuse may become frequent. Friends will usually try to console, with little or no success. “I love her.. No you don’t understand, she was the one. I’ll never find another late 20’s single mom with no job and a marijuana problem again, do you know how often you find a gem like that. What do you mean there is a trailer park right there? We had such good times-no she didn’t steal $50 out my wallet. I must have lost it. OK, one more shot, but that’s it. I gotta go to the store to buy her daughter a book bag for school. I promised I would. Ok one more shot, I love her, why god why? Set em up, nigga-Hey, Hey-more Jaager bitche!!”
• Acceptance: "I'm ready, I don't want to struggle anymore."(or as often called the “Fuck that Bitch” phase.) This occurs usually about 1-5 weeks after the end of a relationship. The individual will realize that they are in fact better off, especially after he/she sees that the drain on their bank account is gone. Anger is replaced by a sense of time wasted, however the individual will look to the positive things that he /she can take away from the relationship. “You know what, fuck that bitch. I can find another 20 just like her. And they’ll be happy to be with me. Fuck yeah. You know what? I could’ve nailed her friend too (oh, part of this phase is lying about your prowess with the ladies/ men) but I didn’t cause I’m a good guy. I could have had so much pussy if I didn’t waste time with that lying twat (more lies). I guess you can have her number, I don’t want it anymore Hey, I made a video of us fuckin‘, wanna see it? Come on, it’s awesome.”
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As I sit here at my computer, I have Dane Cook’s special, “Vicious Circle”, playing in the background. This is dangerous, because Dane Cook’s shittiness can really fuck with my writing. Anyway, I’d like to take this time to illustrate how much I hate the man known as Dane Cook, why I hate the man known as Dane Cook, and the demon who lives inside Dane Cook that is part of a systematic army of demon rectums that are destroying everything cool and great in the world.
*mutes the TV*
Yeah, let’s fuck that noise. As you all know from the preceding paragraph, I hate Dane Cook. Why is this? Why do I hate this man? I’ve never met him. He’s a decent-looking fellow. He’s never done anything to harm me. Or has he? Let me explain something for you. Since my early days of childhood, when I would camp out in front of a TV, waiting to hear a comedian say “damn” or “ass” (when you’re a kid, even the weakest swears are like forbidden fruit for your ears). From that moment, I began my life-long love-affair with Stand-up Comedy. It’s a passion that I’ve gone so far as to pursue as a hobby and, maybe one-day, a career. And because of that, I have tried my best to hone my tastes, to really become knowledgeable about what makes a good comedian. In short, it’s something I think about a lot. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time looking for good Stand-ups, and try to follow them and support them whenever I can (case in point: Patton Oswalt performs at the 40 Watt club in Athens, GA, Oct 26th).
And then there’s people like Dane Cook. The Mainstream Wonder. EVERYONE knows this guy. Even back when he’d just done his Comedy Central Presents, there were kids at my school who loved the guy. But only 2 or 3, and only one or two jokes. But soon enough, he’d exploded. I remember a Comedy Central poll where he was named the best stand-up among 30 or so who had been on the channel. “Whatever,” I thought. “Some people like apples, some like oranges.” And the problem subsided for a year or so. And then, the summer of 2005, it happened. Retaliation was released on CD/DVD. And it shot up the Billboard charts, doing something a Comedy album hadn’t done since Steve Martin.
And thus, the pain resurfaced, stronger than ever. And like any true Evil, it was seductive. I admit, I downloaded (illegally) “Retaliation” from Limewire. I listened to it. And I laughed. For about a week, I enjoyed Dane Cook.
Then, the week ended.
I headed off to College, and just like Napoleon Dynamite and Family Guy before it, Dane Cook had become omnipresent on campuses nationwide. With that, he had taken control of what Stand-Up Comedy was in America. Suddenly he was being quoted by anyone and everyone, day in, day out.
So what’s so wrong with that? Here’s your answer:
Dane Cook is not funny.
There are a few standard things that make Dane Cook not funny, and I’ve tried to make them as objective as possible, if only so I don’t have to hear “it’s a matter of taste” from people who feel scorned by my bashing of The Mainstream Wonder. It is a matter of taste, and Dane Cook has none. And here’s why: First off, his jokes are very easy. Let me unmute my TV to pull one out and examine it for you. Dane was just describing how he makes out with a woman, something that he is sure to do after a show, as the ladies think he’s such a piece of ass. In that joke, it’s essentially him going through the motions of kissing that any of us do, describing every inane detail, and over-exaggerating it to the point of insipidness. Now, this is indeed, a matter of taste, but the key thing here is, it’s an easy joke to tell. Give a comedian the subject of kissing, and the most common topic would invariably be a description of how that comedian kisses. It’s just easy. There is nail one: Unimaginative Joke-telling.
Next is his supposed “edginess”. Whenever a comedian is described as edgy, you have to immediately examine the material more closely. The reason is that no one can really define what being “edgy” is. At least, not in the Mainstream. People think Dane Cook is edgy because he exhibits a high level of energy in his delivery. He jumps around, he kicks stools, he throws his mic (simple sidenote: as a house manager at a theater, I know for a fact few things piss off house managers more than damaging equipment in a joke. A comedian might think it’s cool to drop the mic after a successful set, but in reality it is damaging a wireless Shure Vox mic that costs a few hundred bucks. And that makes you a douche), and he jumps around the stage, in order to drive home whatever punchline or setup he’s talking about this second. And that doesn’t make you edgy. There’s nothing dangerous about that. More than anything, it just spells out the joke for the audience, relieving them of any effort expenditure thinking about the joke. Serious edge there, Dane.
Third, and this is really more of a theory, is that I think he’s a hypocrite. Dangerous words, I know, but on more than one occasion, he’s spoken about how much he loves his fans and how they’ve made him who he is today. And that’s a great thing to say, and more importantly, it’s true. The fans do play a key role in success. But if you ask me, I don’t think he actually believes it. He spends hours signing autographs, and even more than that taking pictures and meeting the crowds. Sounds like a gracious guy. But when you think about it, signing autographs is basically a line of people who tell you how great you are. Taking pictures is a thousand chances to get your face out to more and more people. What I’m saying is, I think he gets a lot more out of it than the fans do. Then, if you listen to Retaliation, at the end, there is a heckler, who we don’t really hear, that Dane “viciously” reproaches and threatens to kick out of the venue. Within seconds, he goes from happy-go-lucky clown to angry, bitter, and verbally violent. Now, editing does happen on comedy albums (along with “sweetening”, that magical process of adding laughs), so it may be that the situation had been escalating throughout the entire show that was edited out, but if that was the case, why not just edit out that part as well? And furthermore, comedians are about being funny. And most of them have been working clubs full of drunk people long enough that they are incredibly adept at destroying a heckler, and making that just as funny as any part of the show. So, I think what I’m saying re: the Heckler on Retaliation is, either Dane Cook is duplicitous and doesn’t like this fans that much that he’ll angrily lash out at them, or he’s not a good enough comedian to be funny about it. Take your pick. Honestly though, doesn’t something about the guy just look like he’s lying to you? Like that guy in High School who everyone thought was cool, and would even talk to the lame kids—sure, he would say “hey” to the nerds, but it was in that insincere “what’s up” as they pass in the hallway. Maybe the analogy is too stretched. Or maybe I suck at describing it. Either way, I personally feel that the dude probably goes home and can’t wait to wash the thousands of fans off of him.
The fourth reason he’s not funny is very, very simple, and nigh-impossible to argue: He’s a joke thief. As in, the material he’s used on his albums was TAKEN FROM A BETTER AND LESSER KNOWN COMEDIAN. To me, this is almost unforgivable in comedy. Who you are and what you say up on that stage is your entire art, and to steal from someone else is the lowest of the low. I am wholly enamored with comedians like Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Brian Regan, and others, and quote their material very often among my friends. But I DO NOT and I WILL NOT ever perform that onstage. But Dane Cook has, and often as well. Several of Dane’s bits are retreads of Louis CK jokes that he’s done in the past. I love Louis CK, and that’s just disgraceful. Dane’s first joke on the second disc of the album is stolen (Itchy As
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When I turn on my TV on week(end) nights I want to see people like Michael Rapaport (sp, I really don't care though) and Seth Macfarlane clinch onto the very last threads of their careers. I want to see the Simpson's 30th season. I want to see shows that have premises based solely on being one season in length (i.e. 24, Prison Break). However I'm sure many people will disagree with me, but to me Family Guy has hit its peak already and is already on it's way down faster than Dane Cook. I'm sorry I just don't find either funny anymore. In all fairness Family Guy dove quite sooner than Dane Cook did. But that's not why I'm here, I'm here to tell you about the objections to reliabilism and many other important theories in contemporary epistemology...why? Because they're forcing me to read it, so if you choose to continue with this, you will be forced as well! Who am I kidding? I couldn't do that to any one of you....I could just eat you all up. Either that means I'm infatuated with your cuteness or I'm a canabal, either way I'm going to see your genitals. I don't know if many of you know this, but I'm not one to let something go. Like if someone says something to me that'll throw my mind into a pickle or just piss me off, I like to dwell on it for as long as I can maintain a healthy psychological standing while running it over and over and over and oaver and overand over and over and over and over. See what happens? I start putting a's in my over's. But anyway, when someone says something stupid to me, and I don't react (like most of the ball-less people of the world) in time and then I like to think up at least 150 different scenarios (give or take 148) and what I would say in return. But since not long ago, I've lost my ability to be a decent civilian, I no longer like to maintain my composure and I like to return the favor immediately. What this all comes down to is that I've become a bad employee. Customers have never liked me, but now it seems I have distanced myself even further and no longer like to let them feel superior.
I don't know what it is about me, but no customer believes a fucking word I say. I have been in situations where I will tell someone something, say for example I tell a stereotypical old white man that we don't have something. He will immediately ask whatever employee is closest as well. People have sked my managers over me (which is ok) but also people who are way under me on the ladder, like people who have worked there not even a year (I've been there for a solid 7, which is not something I can be proud of).
I don't like old people.
A short story about how I was once nice to an old man:
A couple weeks ago at work, there was a middle aged ruffian looking man standing at the counter being waited on by another employee. An old man walked up to the same counter to pay for something, I rang him up, he pulled out his money and a few folded $5 bills fell out, I took the money he handed me and gave him his change. Now, I thought this old man noticed he dropped some money and bent over to pick it up, but he didn't notice, but the ruffian did. As the old man left, the ruffian started to move slowly over and then I saw him reach out a leg. So then I walked around the counter to find this ruffians left foot way out to the side (he looked very uncomfortable) and all I could see was the corner of some bills under his boot. I asked him if the old man had dropped that and he replied with what, and I said "that money under your foot, is that what that old man dropped?" And the burley ruffian replied with a noise of some sort and I ran the money out to the old man, who seemed less than apathetic to get his money back.
I don't like old people.
-Andy
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