The woman told police she thought the plants would be safe inside her locked meth lab.

Nearly 75 people gathered in Keene, N.H.'s Central Square at 4:20 p.m. Thursday, to protest drug laws as city councilors grapple with a resolution that would decriminalize small amounts of marijuana. Shockingly, none of the 75 had to be at work at that time.

 My parents smoke pot...but only for medicinal purposes. It helps alleviate the pain of failure.

I think my mom got stoned while I was in the womb, because I was born lazy.

  She used to deal pot too. She did it because our family got stung by the economy. She stopped dealing when she got stung by the cops.

My dad had a drug problem, but he made progress with it...he progressed from pot to coke.

 He eventually kicked the habit...of being a father. It was affecting his drug habit.

He finally quit when he realized he couldn't pawn the car...because it was impounded.

San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum is facing misdemeanor charges after a state trooper approached his Mercedes and smelled marijuana. Lincecum was inside and high.

Botanists have created a marijuana plant that can produce twice as much pot.It's from the genus double jointus. 

Court records say a man told the Salt Lake County Sheriff’s office that he stripped down and streaked near his house to show his girlfriend he was no longer on drugs. Charges say the 26-year old man dropped his shorts and ran naked into a house. When questioned, he said he was trying to prove to his girlfriend that he wasn’t going to use methamphetamines anymore. To prove he no longer uses cocaine; the man snorted a line of Comet kitchen cleanser and farted the tune “Ain’t We Got Fun?”

Bernie Madoff used to do so much cocaine,that his office was called the North Pole.In prison,however,most of the emphasis is on his South Pole. 

Kayne West once tried to interrupt Willy Nelson by saying "This weed is pretty good...and Imma let us finish...but..." Kanye then proceeded to wander off into a hypnotic state, cementing the fact that you just don't fuck with Willy Nelson's weed!

Andre Agassi has admitted he used crystal meth regularly during the 1990s. Which explains most of his outfits.

I wonder if Native Americans celebrate Columbus day...It'd be like Detroit celebrating slavery.

There was a sign in the road that said no "U" turns, too bad it left out the cursive "V" turn....or upside down “n” turn......I think I'll take the cursive "V".

I know a genius....to bad he's retarded. 

When I was a kid, soccer was my anti drug, now that i'm all grown up, marijuana is my gateway drug. 

Cocaine is just sugar all grown up....Have you ever had the all grown up frosted flakes? ...............THEY'RRRRRRRRRRRREE... addictive

My girlfriend is so clingy and obsessed, i have a better chance getting rid of herpes than her.

Flies are like the herpes of insects, you can get rid of them for a while, but they always come back...ant's are like crabs....fucking everywhere.

Edible underwear are just fruit roll ups tied into a pretzel.

I'm pretty sure i'm good at drinking....but i don't remember.

I got a golden glove, not in baseball, in boxing....I always caught a good punch...with my face

I hate male porn stars, they make me feel shitty about myself.... and last time i tried to choke a girl like they do, she just kicked the shit out of me.

I tried hard in school....until the second day came.

Guys, I figured out what turns a girl on, the power button.

I'm good at sex, I've gotten every girl I've had sex with to scream “Get Off!!!” interpret that anyway you please.

My mind sucks at wandering....it always gets stuck in the gutter

I live life in the fast lane....of a traffic jam.

(talking to the crowd)Over the years, i've realized i'm a lot funnier the drunker you are......to an extent.

I approach every math problem with the same thing... a blank stare

I was late for work the other day, and my boss asked me why i was late, so i told him i got lost....He asked where....

I don't think prostitutes ever got the bird and the bees talk.

People say God is flawless...Have you ever seen the people from Kentucky??? The big guy forgot to double check that one.

If Jesus was the greatest man to walk the earth, can I be the second best?

I don't think Hitler was loved enough as a child.