On "The Oprah Winfrey Show" today, Sarah Palin told the talk show queen that she continues to pray for her estranged, former-son-in-law-to-be, Levi Johnston.

   "Honestly, Oprah," confided Alaska's one-time governor, solemnly, "I've prayed so hard regarding Levi; I just can't understand why the disloyal, disrespectful little prick is still breathing!"     

After Ged Galvin's recent car crash, a medical team took a muscle from above his knee, wrapped it around his sphincter, and then attached electrodes to the nerves. He now presses a remote control to open his bowels and go to the toilet.

It works great except when his neighbor activates the garage door opener, he shits his pants.

   Former-Catholic abortionist to Buddhist priest:  "Master, now that I've converted to Buddhism--when I die--I'll simply reincarnate, and won't have to deal with that whole hell thing."

   Priest:  "Yes, doctor, that is true.  But, how can I put it?--you're not going to believe the fucking karma!" 

The comedian is when you tell a woman a joke after sex, and it makes her laugh so hard, cum shoots out her nose.

A United Airlines pilot was arrested at London's Heathrow Airport yesterday for being drunk .  The co-pilot allegedly blew the whistle on pilot Erwin Vermont Washington just moments before they were to take-off . Washington denied he was intoxicated at the time of his arrest . As Scotland Yard detectives escorted Mr Washington out of the cockpit and into a waiting police car, he was heard shouting,  " You damned Brits still can't get over losing the colony 230 years ago ! "   Asked what he will do for a job afterwards, Washington told a reporter " I'll probably sign-up with Northwest Airlines . "

   During the Great Depression, what did they call a hooker?

   Fifty-cent piece. 

Authorities in a small North Dakota coal mining town want bar owners to install surveillance systems after a rush of brawls that some people liken to those seen in John Wayne’s western movies. Oliver County State’s Attorney Mike Liffrig’s proposal includes requiring owners to report fights immediately. Some bar owners oppose the surveillance, one bar owner Tom Merion said it would violate his patron’s right to speak freely. Mr. Merion was then cold cocked by a customer having a drink at his bar. The customer was heard yelling “Who you calling a patron.”

What have we done to our kids tho seriously?, things were alot different when i was growing up, Fast food is now healthy, video games now have fucken fitness programmes, have you seen that shit. Wii Fit.got this fucken board that you stand on and it tells you how fat you are...wow, thanks...im glad i bought this game.

Seriously dont buy this game for your girlfriends if you EVER want to get laid again. Here you go honey its fun,stand on this..calculating body mass....Oh wow you got.... the high... score...yaaaaaaaay :s ..the couch?....ok :(. 

I went into Mc donalds the other day  and theve got all this mc cafe shit, mc cafe le cafe

im like, really? thats what kids want now?  A fucken fritatta and a latte?

I guess its all just money at the end of the day tho, but i mean couldnt you come up with something better then a fucken cafe? seriously? you are a multi billion dollar company and your idea is to put another food outlet...in your..... food.... outlet? wtf

Personally my idea.....Mcwhore house..im serious,it would work, just dont get confused about where you are,thats all im saying... walk up to the madaam and order a quater pounder with cheese, cause ull end uop with an anorexic chick with thrush sitting on ya face