120 Major League Baseball players have now filed for free agency. The group includes 45 pitchers, 33 infielders and 27 of Alyssa Milano's ex-boyfriends.

   Friend of mine quit expensive online dating services.

   Says too many of the women there just want to get married.

   Now he's into scrolling names of nearby female sex offenders. 

I saw an article today under the headline 10 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Lying. But I was groggy when I first read it and thought the last word was Dying.

Wouldn't that have been a fun article If I read that correctly:

SIGN 1: He cancels plans with you because he's been coughing up blood for 2 days straight.

SIGN 2: He spends less time with you than with a Hospice... 

Cuba is trying to rekindle its relationship with Russia.The government is hoping to get some Cubans involved in the Russian space program.If all goes well,they will explore the final frontier as Castronauts.

(WTVG-TV News) Whoever just robbed Henry's Jewelers in Toledo, Ohio is going to be in for a big shock. All those gold rings you stole are worth about 25 cents apiece. Owner Henry Triplett says oh sure -- they looked to be worth thousands of dollars. But the "gold" rings in his display case are actually just brass dummies-- mere samples of the real gold rings he keeps safely locked up and out of view. So the real cost of the robbery will only be the expense of replacing his store's front window and the shattered glass on 13 display cases.  ***MARLAR: It won’t be hard to find the culprits.  Just go immediately to the boyfriends of girls you see with green fingers.

Sarah Palin told Oprah between commercial breaks about her relationship with Levi Johnston ." I'm really so sorry he didn't marry my daughter Bristol . We had so much fun together . Levi and I would play many games whenever he came over to our house . My favorite game was,  " Guess what book I'm gonna read next ? "  If I stumped him I would grab him by the crotch and yell " Gotcha ! "  ***  Oprah broke the news to Sarah that Levi was going to pose nude in Playgirl Magazine next month . " Oh I didn't know that Oprah," confessed Palin . " I'm gonna fetch me a copy just as soon as it comes out . I can't wait to see Levi's titties ! "

10. You see your cousin walking in drunk and drugged out of his mind with a stunning new woman on his arm. He mentions casually she works as a hooker. Your response, “Man, it must suck to have a chick that cheats on you every time she goes to work.”

9. Your cousin and her husband, the newlyweds of the family, are hosting the holiday. Your cousin’s husband mentions that they served the food the night before to their friends and are saving money by doing this. Your thought is, “Your friends are rich snobs. At least they washed their hands.”

8. You and your cousin are watching football when the fat ass mentions he is known as Mr. Triple Team by his prep school football squad. He says it’s because he can tackle three guys at once. Meanwhile you know every time he farts three guys fall down.

7. Your cousins are in from the trailer park and the oldest son of this family has just been released from the psych ward. Apparently he is supporting his illegitimate child by working as a lab test subject. His father also adds this is the best job his son has ever had.

6. During dinner your slut aunt who is cheating on your uncle steps out to call her boyfriend. Your uncle is drunk and depressed and passes out. Their children are crawling under the table biting people’s ankles and getting kicked. Your slut aunt is quick to say, “Careful, they might have diseases. I should know.”

5. At dinner your aunt who cannot deal with the fact her son is gay mentions he got abducted by aliens yet again. She has him show the supposed probes in the back of his head and mentions that she saw the UFOs last night and they are coming back for her son. To protect her she mentions she has her Ouija Board where she plans to channel the spirit of J. Edgar Hoover.

4. During the phase of the meal where people name things they are thankful for your grandfather says, “That I’m so old that if I killed your grandmother they couldn’t send me to prison for too long because I will be dead soon.” And then he passes out.

3. As a family craft you are making turkey’s by tracing your hand. However, your cousin who has been struck by lightning (and survived) three times cannot partake. It’s because he is having a bad reaction to the electrical socket not so far away.

2. You open the bathroom door to pee and turn on the lights. Lo and behold your grandmother is using the bath tub to mix the stuffing.

1. Thanksgiving makes you remember when times are tough you have family. But when you have family, that’s when you need egg nog with plenty of Southern Comfort.

10. You are sitting around when a girl you know is a real bitch comes up to you and says, “You look really put together. Like you aren’t on drugs today.” Your response, “Well, that’s normally the way I tolerate you. Too bad I don’t have that buffer today. Damn those twelve steps.”

9. You have been ranting and raving on the phone about a sucky day you are having when this woman, who is publically breast feeding and has her tits hanging out for all to see, tells you to be quiet because this language will corrupt her child. That’s when you hand the homeless crackhead ten bucks and tell him to grab her tits. That will put her in her place.

8. A rich snob that lives in your neighborhood is putting you and your buddies down again for hanging out on the stoop and laughing loudly. Tell the junkie ex-con who you know has committed a string of robberies in the neighborhood she has twenty bucks on her…..

7. Your roommate has a lady friend you can’t stand that is always making backhanded comments about how you dress when she is a bleach blonde with a bad die job. Casually mention your cousin is getting out of prison after twenty years because he strangled his girlfriend with her bra, stuffed her panties in her mouth, and dumped her body by the train tracks. Then tell he wants to come visit next week to see how much you have grown, and likes platinum blondes.

6. You know this girl who is always doing things for attention. Lately she is claiming a Jamaican guy sexually assaulted her just to see a guy infatuated with her beat someone up. Look at her pretending to be concerned and mention, “I know plenty of Jamaicans. And they never assault anyone with a flat chest. At least not as far as I know.”

5. You are at a gathering when a girl who is dressed like a treasure troll in drag continually makes jokes about you being a slut. Turn to her, smile, and say, “Why? Jealous I get some and you don’t. Im sure if you looked under the draw bridge your Froto would be there for you.”

4. A crazy girl who has been sending you nasty notes on myspace and making your life hell blogs about how she is a responsible mother and how people don’t understand how hard it is. Meanwhile the slut had the four kids to three guys at sixteen. You should comment on the blog, “Wow, must be hard work being a breeding lump. I mean , you lay down on your back a lot but still, gold star for a job shamelessly done.”

3. You recently got a promotion at your job and this girl who is clearly jealous of you is bad mouthing you saying she can’t believe you got it and she didn’t. That’s when you say, “You can’t believe it. Oh ye of little faith.”

2. You see a girl you went to high school with that is a total princess in every respect of the word. When she sees you after years of having not had contact, acts as if she is disgusted by your appearance. That’s when, as you calmly sip your coffee say, “By the way, I contracted Hep C not long ago. Want a sip?”

1. If any of these responses illicit a challenge for a cat fight by any of these party’s tell them you would fight except it is against your policy to assault the mentally handicapped. And then summon the nearest officer of the law when they are yelling and screaming and say you believe they wandered out of a group home and could he help them find their way back. And walk off into the sunset.

What have we done to our kids tho seriously?, things were alot different when i was growing up, Fast food is now healthy, video games now have fucken fitness programmes, have you seen that shit. Wii Fit.got this fucken board that you stand on and it tells you how fat you are...wow, thanks...im glad i bought this game.

Seriously dont buy this game for your girlfriends if you EVER want to get laid again. Here you go honey its fun,stand on this..calculating body mass....Oh wow you got.... the high... score...yaaaaaaaay :s ..the couch?....ok :(. 

 I try to keep things in my sex life fresh between me and my Girlfriend.  I actually created a new move the other week, I call it "Rape."  The key is, we do it when she doesn't feel like it!  She really gets into though, like when I'm about to finish she usually gets me in the face with some pepper spray, which REALLY doesn't even burn anymore, it's just like a light seasoning to sex!