A team of doctors have been trying to help Nicole Richie and her "inability" to gain weight. After days of confusion, the team of nutrition specialists concluded that she should eat foods rather than cocaine and vodka.

A suspicious white powder has been discovered hidden in a shipment of dictionaries.

“Nosey” workers spotted the unprincipled packets — which were headed for Madrid, Spain — at a post office in the Dominican Republic. Officials from the National Drug Control Agency intercepted them and found “a white powder that appears to be cocaine,” sewn into the lining of the books. Wasting no time, the NDCA called in Special Agent Keith Richards, who quickly confirmed the substance to indeed be booger sugar.

This is the third time in two months that drugs have been found sewn into book covers or cards bound for Spain from the Caribbean nation, prompting President Barack Obama to include the Dominican Republic on his list of 20 major drug producers. 

Not surprisingly, Amy Winehouse continues to hold the top spot on his list of 20 major drug consumers.

Twenty-three American Airlines employees have been arrested for smuggling cocaine onto passenger planes. Ironically,the coke was discovered stuffed in the nose.

Amy Winehouse is reportedly not only smoking grass but also grazing on it.  

I'm pretty sure that Burt Reynolds is the oldest celebrity to ever go into rehab.No wait,Larry King was addicted to Coca Cola when it still had cocaine in it.My bad!

What's black on the outside and white on the inside ?  Whitney Houston's nose ! " 

A four year old boys day care teacher discovered a bag containing cocaine in the boys pocket. The boy stated that his father gave it to him telling him it was candy. Before the discovery the kid shared the drug with other children, also telling them it was candy. The staff and teachers were outraged. As a percaution, teahcers sent notes to parents warning " If your child believes that cocaine is candy that you might not want your child attending next weeks annual gay and lesbian sponsored hot dog and taco picnic.

Court records say a man told the Salt Lake County Sheriff’s office that he stripped down and streaked near his house to show his girlfriend he was no longer on drugs. Charges say the 26-year old man dropped his shorts and ran naked into a house. When questioned, he said he was trying to prove to his girlfriend that he wasn’t going to use methamphetamines anymore. To prove he no longer uses cocaine; the man snorted a line of Comet kitchen cleanser and farted the tune “Ain’t We Got Fun?”

Bernie Madoff used to do so much cocaine,that his office was called the North Pole.In prison,however,most of the emphasis is on his South Pole. 

Hamilton Jordan was Jimma Carters press sect , and was caught doing cocaine in his White House  office

Question:  What did Hamilton Jordan and Roslin Carter have in common?

Answer:  They both blew a little dope in the White House. 

I wonder if Native Americans celebrate Columbus day...It'd be like Detroit celebrating slavery.

There was a sign in the road that said no "U" turns, too bad it left out the cursive "V" turn....or upside down “n” turn......I think I'll take the cursive "V".

I know a genius....to bad he's retarded. 

When I was a kid, soccer was my anti drug, now that i'm all grown up, marijuana is my gateway drug. 

Cocaine is just sugar all grown up....Have you ever had the all grown up frosted flakes? ...............THEY'RRRRRRRRRRRREE... addictive

My girlfriend is so clingy and obsessed, i have a better chance getting rid of herpes than her.

Flies are like the herpes of insects, you can get rid of them for a while, but they always come back...ant's are like crabs....fucking everywhere.

Edible underwear are just fruit roll ups tied into a pretzel.

I'm pretty sure i'm good at drinking....but i don't remember.

I got a golden glove, not in baseball, in boxing....I always caught a good punch...with my face

I hate male porn stars, they make me feel shitty about myself.... and last time i tried to choke a girl like they do, she just kicked the shit out of me.

I tried hard in school....until the second day came.

Guys, I figured out what turns a girl on, the power button.

I'm good at sex, I've gotten every girl I've had sex with to scream “Get Off!!!” interpret that anyway you please.

My mind sucks at wandering....it always gets stuck in the gutter

I live life in the fast lane....of a traffic jam.

(talking to the crowd)Over the years, i've realized i'm a lot funnier the drunker you are......to an extent.

I approach every math problem with the same thing... a blank stare

I was late for work the other day, and my boss asked me why i was late, so i told him i got lost....He asked where....

I don't think prostitutes ever got the bird and the bees talk.

People say God is flawless...Have you ever seen the people from Kentucky??? The big guy forgot to double check that one.

If Jesus was the greatest man to walk the earth, can I be the second best?

I don't think Hitler was loved enough as a child.