According to the CIA, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has survived an astonishing 638 attempts on his life. Said one analyst, "Two more and he ties 50 Cent."

...the CIA, no longer able to waterboard suspects, has announced a new enhanced interrogation technique....after sleep deprivation & loud music have failed, the CIA plans to have Sacha Baron Cohen shove his ass in your face until you talk. 

In the latest New Yorker magazine, CIA director Leon Panetta fired back against criticism that former VP Dick Cheney has been leveling against the Obama administration.  A spokesman for Mr. Cheney said that he felt bad about his remarks, and to show there were no hard feelings, has invited Mr. Panetta to go hunting with him.

The New York  Times reports that alleged al-Qaeda suspect, Khalid Sheik Mohammed was waterboarded for information by CIA interrogators, over 183 times.  He was held under water so much, he now qualifies for the 200 meter Olympic breaststroke.

 A CIA spokesman said the recruitment of bankers will bring about a marked change in interrogation techniques.  Instead of being waterboarded,  suspected terrorists will be chained to a desk,  hit with unexpected fees, and forced to wait in long lines to be interrogated. 

In the tradition of the CIA, code names have been designated for Barack Obama and family. They are: Barack (Renegade), Michelle (Renaissance), Malia (Radiance), and Sasha (Rosebud).

Catching wind of this and feeeling jealous, President Bush asked, "Can't I have a new code name, too?" The CIA complied and lame duck President Bush is now known as "Exit."

They included threats against relatives, mock executions and repeated screenings of "Bruno."

Boston’s Logan International Airport officials say Choochy, a poodle, escaped from her kennel, as she was being unloaded after a flight from Detroit and scampered across runways and taxiways. An airport spokesperson says the poodle evaded airport personnel for more than 17 hours and delayed at least eight flights.

Upon hearing this the federal government announced a new training program to find and capture fugitives. The CIA will buy 100 poodles and release them in various airports around the US. The agents will then have ten years to find the dogs.

A leak from the U.S. Secret Service indicates that VP Cheney left the White House Bunker at 3 AM one morning last week with a highly-classified CIA report:  'DO NOT INVADE IRAQ!!! THE TERRORISTS ARE IN AFGHANISTAN!'  Embarrassed, Cheney spoke up and said, "Never keep garbage for the next Bunker Man to find! I'm headed for a shredder." 

The criticism quickly ended however once the AP learned they were tapes of the Rosie O’Donnell show.