Billy Mays died today...

 Ironically his last product was engrave it.

 Celebrities normally die in 3s, but Billy Mays threw his in for free.

God took care of the free shipping and handling.

Billys last words..."But wait theres more!"

You know how they buried Billy Mays?

With the Awesome Auger!

So....

Last night I was up late watching a scary movie... And there was this big scary guy with a garden tool and he was like...

I'm Back!

And I was like... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

And then he said it's me Billy Mays for The Awesome Auger Garden Tool.

Dear Lord in the last year you have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress Farrah Fawcett, my favorite entertainer Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays and my favorite athlete Chris Henry. I just wanted to let you know my favorite coach is ...... Lane Kiffin 

"courtesy of an irate Tennessee fan, Ms. Griffin... 

Oxi clean... cocaine for clothes.

Oxi coke w/ orange... for the ladies.

Oxi crack... when you can't afford the good stuff...

Peanut butter and oxi crack sandwich...

Oxi coke... fuck sham hooker... they fight back...

Oxi coke... great for your colon if you are a drug mule...

Oxi coke... cleans up the blood stains when you kill your hooker...

Oxi coke... when a abortion gets messy... dilute with  water and it'll get those blood stains out.

Oxi coke... processed and packaged by kids in the Philippines...

Kaboom... actually the name of Billy May's first born son...

Kaboom... the name of Billy May's wife's dildo when he is out of town...

Kaboom... cuz magic stick was taken...

Kaboom... also the name of Shaq's penis....

Mighty Putty... when seamen and water just don't cut it...

Ultimate Chopper... the multiple chop your food and your coke chopper...

The Awesome Auger... when Oxi clean isn't enough now you can bury your dead...   

Research presented this weekend reinforced previous findings that 90 percent of paper money circulating in U.S. cities contains traces of cocaine.

It was at 100% but scientists later had removed Billy Mays' fortune from the test sample.

Called back from the dead, Billy's ghost will advertise Sheet Whyte..."the best whitener and brightener in the market today! But, you must act fast, as my ghost may quickly disappear! Order right now and we'll include two extra boxes of Sheet Whyte for the price of one," so goes the spiel.

What do Barack Obama's political agenda and an OxyClean commercial have in common?

They both feature fast-talking salesmen, they both sell you crap you don't need or want and they both want to make sure they get everything out of the whites.