You know how they buried Billy Mays?

With the Awesome Auger!

Doctors have now discovered that Billy had cocaine in his system when he passed away.  That explains every single infomercial I've seen him in.     

I'm nearly finished with a screenplay of a made-for-tv movie about the life of Billy Mays. The studio will green light the film provided it airs at 3am and is titled "Paid Programming"; but I'm afraid viewers will surf past their on-screen guides... mistaking it for paid programming!

So....

Last night I was up late watching a scary movie... And there was this big scary guy with a garden tool and he was like...

I'm Back!

And I was like... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

And then he said it's me Billy Mays for The Awesome Auger Garden Tool.

Billy Mays addiction was so bad that one day he accidently snorted some OxiClean powder.

Billy Mays has kind of an orange glow these days.

Pitchman Billy Mays died shorly after his returning flight from Columbia had a rough landing . Billy was seriously injured when a carry-on bag owned by Dr. Conrad Murray, fell out of the overhead luggage compartment and struck him on the head .  

 Coroners revised the late pitchman Billy Mays' cause of death as:  "...initiated by a traumatic blow to the cranium, causing his head to continually slump over a mirror on the coffee table.... "

Called back from the dead, Billy's ghost will advertise Sheet Whyte..."the best whitener and brightener in the market today! But, you must act fast, as my ghost may quickly disappear! Order right now and we'll include two extra boxes of Sheet Whyte for the price of one," so goes the spiel.