I shouldn't say this because it's a bit crude, but my supervisor is a hot piece of ass. By the way, my supervisor's name is Mike. While I'm not gay, if I were a hot chick I'd do him. He's that good looking. If you put him in a dyke bar, there wouldn't be a dry thigh in the house. 

   My wife has a grey thumb; she's killed more plants than have locusts.

   The only painless dentist is a dead dentist.  

   Can you believe that Ted Kennedy used to take his lawyer with him into the confessional? 

   A very well known--usually drunk--late-night radio talk show host has been known to leave his chair, on occasion, to piss in the corner of the studio.

   His producer often takes that time to remind listeners the show is "streaming live." 

Facebook is an amazing way to pass time when your board.  It's filled with games and quizes you can do while not connecting with your friends.  I recently took the "How Many Sexual Partners You Have in 2009/2010" quiz.

 My results - "None, because your lame ass spends too much time taking douchey ass survey's on Facebook, when you should probably be at the bar looking for women who leave their drinks unattended."

He was so intoxicated he couldn't even log in on his laptop.

A United Airlines pilot was arrested at London's Heathrow Airport yesterday for being drunk .  The co-pilot allegedly blew the whistle on pilot Erwin Vermont Washington just moments before they were to take-off . Washington denied he was intoxicated at the time of his arrest . As Scotland Yard detectives escorted Mr Washington out of the cockpit and into a waiting police car, he was heard shouting,  " You damned Brits still can't get over losing the colony 230 years ago ! "   Asked what he will do for a job afterwards, Washington told a reporter " I'll probably sign-up with Northwest Airlines . "

A teacher who became notorious in the 1990s for having an affair with a sixth-grader is hosting a “Hot For Teacher” night at a Seattle bar – along with the former student, now her husband. Bar owner Mike Morris says Mary Kay Letourneau has served her sentence and it’s OK for the couple to have some fun. Before they can enter the contest, each contestant must cross the crowded bar and ask one of the pimply faced, pocket protector wearing 14 year olds to dance and fondle their ass.

I don't drink a lot, and one downside of being sober is I can't get away with saying outlandish shit at the bar.

"I said I wanted to fingerbang your wife last night? Oh my god, I'm so sorry. That must've been the Tropicana talking."

Washington state law does not bar teachers from having consensual sex with 18-year old students, and appeals court ruled Tuesday in dismissing a case against a former high school choir teacher. In a related story the state of Washington has seen a 70% increase of male graduate students applying for high school teaching positions.

As part of the British government's campaign against obesity, UK candy makers have agreed to phase out king-size chocolate bars. Critics assailed the move as an assault on freedom of choice and said it's pointless because if somebody wants to eat a double helping of candy, they can just buy two candy bars.  ***MARLAR: Also, from now on, bags of M&Ms can contain only one M.  (I actually love the “fun size” candy bars.  Although to me, any size candy bar is a fun size.)

Authorities in a small North Dakota coal mining town want bar owners to install surveillance systems after a rush of brawls that some people liken to those seen in John Wayne’s western movies. Oliver County State’s Attorney Mike Liffrig’s proposal includes requiring owners to report fights immediately. Some bar owners oppose the surveillance, one bar owner Tom Merion said it would violate his patron’s right to speak freely. Mr. Merion was then cold cocked by a customer having a drink at his bar. The customer was heard yelling “Who you calling a patron.”