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Time Machine
Joke Cloud (Popular topics)
A Goody From Our Archive...   January 3, 2007

Laurie Kilmartin
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MADD Loves Toyota

By: Laurie Kilmartin (C)
Submitted: Jan 3, 2007
Category: News  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Automaker

216 Jokes  4 Videos

Toyota announced that it is developing a car that shuts down if the driver is drunk. Immediately, rival Ford announced that "Ford drivers do not need to be drunk for their cars to shut down."


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Dan Berry
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Bush Launches New Career

By: Dan Berry (C)
Submitted: Oct 27, 2009
Category: Political  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

George Bush

649 Jokes  17 Videos

Bush Launches New Career

Former President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker Monday night, telling a Texas crowd it’s futile to waste energy chasing popularity.

The next stop on Bush’s speaking tour: a Texas rehab center… where he will tell patients that being an alcoholic and an addict doesn’t mean you can’t be President.

Bush will follow this up with an engagement at the National Convention for Motivational Speakers… where he will tell his colleagues that a poor vocabulary is, in fact, a prerequisite for motivational speaking.

 


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Terry Tyller
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Gothic Kittens

By: Terry Tyller (M)
Submitted: Nov 3, 2009
Category: Weird  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Pennsylvania

136 Jokes  1 Videos

Humane officers say a Pennsylvania women marketed “gothic kittens” with ear, neck and tail piercing over the Internet. Officers with the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals removed three kittens and a cat Wednesday from a home outside Wilkes-Barre, about 20 miles southwest of Scranton. In a related story, Laura Koenig of Altoona is marketing her line of “biker bitches”. The female cats and kittens will arrive at your doorstep ready to crap on your floor, drink large amounts of beer and spread goodwill to any and all male animals.

 

 


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PJ Brown
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Paranormal Activity

By: PJ Brown (C)
Submitted: Nov 7, 2009
Category: Entertainment  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Bar

684 Jokes  20 Videos

I just saw the film Paranormal Activity. Man, it was scarier than the ticket prices!

In the film, a young couple are haunted by what they believe to be a demon. But here's the twist- it's a creditor.

At one point, the male lead gets macho about how he's not letting a demon mess with his girl. Really? What'cha gonna do? Jump him outside a bar with 5 of your buddies?

 


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Gary B.
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Bar Funds for China-Backed Wind Farm, Senator Says

By: Gary B. (C)
Submitted: Nov 6, 2009
Category: Political  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Congress

243 Jokes  2 Videos

The Obama administration should bar a $1.5 billion wind-farm project in Texas from receiving U.S. government stimulus funds because most of the power turbines would be made in China, Senator Charles Schumer said.   I say build the wind-farm in DC and power it with all the hot air coming from Congress. 


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Frank James
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YANKED

By: Frank James (M)
Submitted: Nov 6, 2009
Category: Weird  
From Hot Topic

Bar

684 Jokes  20 Videos

   A hopelessly inebriated periodontist left a dental convention; whimsically deciding to crash a biker bar.

   He was painfully extracted. 


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Christine
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It's Raining Vodka

By: Christine  (M)
Submitted: Nov 3, 2009
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

Sarah Palin

275 Jokes  8 Videos

It's Raining Vodka

http://www.asylum.com/2009/11/03/forklift-accident-alcohol-crash-moscow/?icid=main|htmlws-main-n|dl8|link2|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.asylum.com%2F2009%2F11%2F03%2Fforklift-accident-alcohol-crash-moscow%2F

 

Did you see the forklift accident at Vodka wharehouse in Moscow? click link above.

I think the forlift driver may have been nervous that Sarah Palin might have been watching him from her house.


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DARREN MARLAR
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Protect Yourself With BEER!

By: DARREN MARLAR (C)
Submitted: Oct 30, 2009
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

Bar

684 Jokes  20 Videos

A convenience store clerk in Mazomanie, Wisconsin, drove off a robber by threatening to throw a can of beer at him.  ***MARLAR: Which is weird, since the robber was probably trying to rob them in order to buy beer.

 


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DARREN MARLAR
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Will They Call It a "Smell Phone"?

By: DARREN MARLAR (C)
Submitted: Nov 3, 2009
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

Cell Phone

205 Jokes  14 Videos

Siemens Mobile, a German telecommunications company, is developing the first cell phone that will tell you if you stink. It has a microchip that scans nearby air for smells, including halitosis, alcohol and atmospheric gas, and alerts users if their breath is bad or they are giving off offensive odors. ***MARLAR: And if the smell is really bad, it dials 911.

 


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Albert Hayden
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The peach farmer’s mistress

By: Albert Hayden (C)
Submitted: Oct 27, 2009
Category: Blogs  
From Hot Topic

Hooker

191 Jokes  5 Videos

My wife Jenny and I have two conditional rules in our three-year-old marriage once a month I am allowed to sleep with a hooker and when she is away for extended periods of time, I am allowed to sleep with our neighbours’ 18-year-old daughter Nancy Smith. Now the only conditions about these two rules are that my wife is never allowed to find out about either the hookers or randy Nancy.

Being a writer, I spend most of my day at home while my wife works at some bank (who’s name I am not allowed to mention) as a consultant. I spend at most about five months a year really writing; the other months are spent promoting whatever I have written and mowing the lawn or something. Depending on my mood and emotional health, some months or years I simply just take off. This means that most often I have a lot of time to kill by practising my hobbies such as growing peaches in our backyard or bedding Mr and Ms Smiths’ youngest daughter.

Nancy’s visits used to be a once-a-week thing due to her possessive boyfriend and her busy schedule as a first-year medical student, but the weekly visits were fine with me since I was only fucking her for the experience of her tight vagina and her fetish to be tied up. Months later when my wife caught us in bed together for the first time, Nancy was getting fucked like a dog with her head forced into the pillow and her hands tied behind her back ― a scene my wife labeled as “barbaric” and “distastefully brutal”.

After about a month of screwing around, Nancy dumped her possessive boyfriend which meant that we were able to play on a daily basis. Each morning after my wife left for work, Nancy would attend her first class of the day which usually involved biting and bondage. The sweet “ding dong” sound of the front doorbell ringing while I laid in bed reading the paper went as well with my coffee as blasphemy. My first-touch with sunlight for the day would usually be when I open the door for Nancy. Her routine ― yet irritating and redundant ― question of “Is the lovely wife gone?” would usually be the only words out of her mouth not dictated through screams. I usually respond by saying: “I am going to fuck you so hard you are going to split in half.” Nancy’s daily visits opened up the windows to both experimentation and wariness. When my wife caught us for the second time together I was once again entering Nancy from a rear position. This time the words “In here” were written on Nancy’s lower back with a black marker and an arrow was pointing towards her anus ― unlike the previous time, my wife refrained from making a comment.

My affair with Nancy became the oyster garden for my inspiration as a writer, but not for my life. Even though a lot of work was being done behind the typewriter and behind the 18-year-old sexual prodigy, I kind of became bored with life. Screwing Nancy behind my wife’s back was exciting to a certain extend, but I had a bigger lust for wickedness. At the tender age of 27 I have achieved tremendous success by means of simply minimising my workload and maximising my self-confidence and persistency. But despite all of that, I have simply run out of ways to enjoy the simple things in life. It started to feel that every day I lived and every single thing I did was just another forgettable moment that has passed. The more I searched for excitement the more erratic my behaviour became, especially my new-found habit of touching myself while in conversation.

My sudden change in behaviour and my refusal to go for therapy did raise some questions among my loved ones, especially my beloved wife (who won’t learn about my and Nancy’s affair for another three months). Jenny was starting to feel guilty and she admitted that due to her long hours at the office, she was neglecting me. I wasn’t that bothered by Jenny’s “negligence” because I was too busy fucking Nancy and maintaining my mini orchard to even notice that there was a distance growing between me and my wife. I was however very amused by the irony of the entire situation since I was convinced that my wife was having an affair with a co-worker, Michelle Olwagen. My suspicions of my wife having an extramarital relationship with a female co-worker didn’t bother me even the slightest bit; for starters, I was busy fucking a barely legal teenager on a daily basis and secondly, it’s not like some other guy was putting his fat cock inside my wife.  And even though I have never met or seen Michelle Olwagen before in my life, I knew someone very well who knew her very well.

It was a Thursday evening and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky when I drove through the city on my way back from a meeting with my publisher. I was waiting for the green light at a robot when my eye caught two superfine women standing on the street corner; the one was smoking a cigarette and the other one was exchanging words with a distinctive gentleman who looked like a policeman. Judging by the way the women were dressed and the quality of the area, the thought that they were hookers didn’t even pass through my mind ― I would rather have mistaken them for two power-dressed lawyers than streetlovers. But when they approached my car with a charismatic “Hey there, you” I knew that they are the type of women who only accepts cash.

Now I have never really gone as far as my brother to actually sleep with one of the princesses of twilight, but it has always been somewhat of a hidden desire and definitely in the top spot of my to-do list. If this part of my life had a chapter, I would have called it: “Meeting the other end of the rope”.

Prostitutes have always been similar to a good movie to me. If a lot of different people pay money to go see a movie, it is most certainly a box-office hit. The same goes for a prostitute. If many different guys, who could rather fuck their wife or girlfriend, would go so far as to pay a woman to fuck her, then her box must surely be a hit.

The two prostitutes that approached my car must have been somewhat of an upper class or new to the business, because they were too well groomed for a hooker ― especially the way the one’s pubic hair was trimmed into the shape of a half-moon. The same night I saw the one prostitute’s moon-shaped pubes, I learned that she does prostitution as a part-time job and to “watch people act frail”. I found this absolutely intriguing.

That first night I met my two new friends ― Moonflower and Gothgirl69 ― I bought them both. They were so cheap, it was literally a buy one get one free special. I took them to a Holiday Inn near my house because it would raise the minimum amount of suspicion and most importantly, it was convenient for me. Since I am the type of guy who has enough confidence in his sexual performance, I don’t do threesomes or orgies. So when we approached the elevator, I told Moonflower to kindly wait in the bar area while I take her friend, Gothgirl69 (which turned out to be a competitor), to the hotel room so we could get things up to business. After I did both of them and paid for their drinks while they waited their turn, I gave them their money and assured them that we would hook up again ― I did, however, only continue seeing Moonflower.

From there on it became a regular thing. The sex I had with the prostitute, Moonflower, was passionate and gentle and the sex I had with Nancy was violent. My wife, who still haven’t found out about my affairs, kept on working long hours and I was still convinced that she was sleeping with that Michelle girl. Now and then my wife would query on the bite marks and bruises on my body. Once when I contracted a mysterious rash on my dick (most likely from Nancy, but it turned out to be Moonflower), I narrowly escaped being caught out before telling my wife that I got the rash from her and that she might be suffering from some fungus on her virginal area (luckily for me, Jenny just happened to have a fungus on her left lip which she contracted from Michelle).

It was close encounters like these that made me master the art of lying to Jenny, usually about the origin of my injuries.  Sometimes I even confused Jenny into believing that she gave them to me during some sexual brawl.

“Those are your handy work my love,” I would often say to her before accepting her apology which was usually followed by a missionary-style fuck. It is when the sex life you share with your wife is degraded to plain old missionary style that you know that the spark is gone. But in the rare times that I did however made passionate love to my wife, it was usually with anger ― not the angry sex that I had with Nancy, but the type of angry sex that says, “What the fuck have we done to each other?” Sometimes Jenny wanted our lovemaking to be soft and gentle; I preferred thrusting her like I was paying to do so.

The morning my wife caught me with Nancy for the second time, I thought that it was over for sure. It was only after an embarrassed Nancy left and my wife and I sat down at the kitchen table that she confessed to having an affair.  My wife told me that she was suffering from depression and that the affair was with a female colleague; she further told me that her lover had decided to end their eight-month affair after meeting a man. As I held my wife I felt her tears running down my chest which still carried the aroma of Nancy’s pussy― and at that moment I told her that I only slept with Nancy three times and that she caught us two out of the three times. But whether my wife believed me or not about the “three times” I had been with Nancy, it was the truth when I told her that I would never see Nancy again. After four months with Nancy, we have literally exhausted our imaginations and our sexual abilities ― there was simply nothing more humanly possible that we could do in the bedroom.

After my wife confessed to her affair with Michelle Olwagen, we didn’t separate. It had absolutely no affect on our relationship as most people would imagine. We did however start to have somewhat of a steamier sex life ― Jenny even allowed me to butt-fuck her ― and she also started seeing a therapist to help her deal with her depression. Jenny and I agreed to work harder at our marriage, but I wasn’t able to let Moonflower go. With Nancy out of my life and my wife under the impression that the holes in our marriage were all patched up, I was able to continue my affair with the prostitute.  One evening when my wife was out with friends, I invited moonflower over to our house for the first time.  She told me that due to the feelings she started to have for me after months of sleeping together, it was no longer necessary for me to pay her. She sex that followed was the worst sex I ever had with Moonflower; I guess since money was no longer involved it just wasn’t the same. That night was the final straw in my marriage. When my wife caught me for the third time with another woman, she did have a comment.

“So this is the jerk you have left me for, Michelle?”


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April Brucker
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10 Signs You Know Its Thanksgiving

By: April Brucker (C)
Submitted: Nov 6, 2009
Category: Blogs  
From Hot Topic

Thanksgiving

46 Jokes  2 Videos

 

10. You see your cousin walking in drunk and drugged out of his mind with a stunning new woman on his arm. He mentions casually she works as a hooker. Your response, “Man, it must suck to have a chick that cheats on you every time she goes to work.”

9. Your cousin and her husband, the newlyweds of the family, are hosting the holiday. Your cousin’s husband mentions that they served the food the night before to their friends and are saving money by doing this. Your thought is, “Your friends are rich snobs. At least they washed their hands.”

8. You and your cousin are watching football when the fat ass mentions he is known as Mr. Triple Team by his prep school football squad. He says it’s because he can tackle three guys at once. Meanwhile you know every time he farts three guys fall down.

7. Your cousins are in from the trailer park and the oldest son of this family has just been released from the psych ward. Apparently he is supporting his illegitimate child by working as a lab test subject. His father also adds this is the best job his son has ever had.

6. During dinner your slut aunt who is cheating on your uncle steps out to call her boyfriend. Your uncle is drunk and depressed and passes out. Their children are crawling under the table biting people’s ankles and getting kicked. Your slut aunt is quick to say, “Careful, they might have diseases. I should know.”

5. At dinner your aunt who cannot deal with the fact her son is gay mentions he got abducted by aliens yet again. She has him show the supposed probes in the back of his head and mentions that she saw the UFOs last night and they are coming back for her son. To protect her she mentions she has her Ouija Board where she plans to channel the spirit of J. Edgar Hoover.

4. During the phase of the meal where people name things they are thankful for your grandfather says, “That I’m so old that if I killed your grandmother they couldn’t send me to prison for too long because I will be dead soon.” And then he passes out.

3. As a family craft you are making turkey’s by tracing your hand. However, your cousin who has been struck by lightning (and survived) three times cannot partake. It’s because he is having a bad reaction to the electrical socket not so far away.

2. You open the bathroom door to pee and turn on the lights. Lo and behold your grandmother is using the bath tub to mix the stuffing.

1. Thanksgiving makes you remember when times are tough you have family. But when you have family, that’s when you need egg nog with plenty of Southern Comfort.


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