So when did Artie Lange become an astronaut?

because if Lisa Lampanelli can write a book, anyone can write a book. Here's a comedian whose entire act consists of talking about black guys who like fat white women. Original stuff. If Lisa Lampanelli can write a book, then Artie Lange can open a driving school.

Authorities at a Thailand zoo have put a male panda on a new eating regimen after the panda became too fat to have sex. According to the zoo nutritionist, the panda had been on "The Artie Lange Diet."

Artie Lange reportedly tried to commit suicide over the weekend.  The reason for his depression is that he realized that he is Artie Lange.

I have some dumb friends and some are dumber than others. The one is this would be actress and singer who lives in LA. I like her and she is my friend but man does she need to see the error of her ways. For starters she always falls for these stupid guys. She was hung up on his guy who was supposed to be a “millionaire” and had this apartment he threw sex parties in. This dude was married to his money but she was determined to change him. So this guy takes her out and tells her about all the great sex he had with other women. But she keeps talking about all the “spiritual gifts” he gave her. What? Like the slap in the face after you drank the wine spirit spritzer. But nothing beats her latest conquest. He is a “famous composer” in France and “promised to pay her phone bill” but didn’t after they talked for hours. For one, that is the worst pick up line I have ever heard and secondly, how do you say greencard.

But then the other goodie is that she is always getting herself into these situations because she has her head up her ass. The other day she got a check from this girls school for ten thousand dollars and cashed it. Surprisingly it was fraudulent. Of course she got into a bunch of trouble with her bank because years ago an ex of hers drained her credit cards and bank accounts so she had to declare bankruptcy. So she may not be able to have a bank account for the next few years. The only time a mysteriously large amount of money sent to you is real is in a Disney movie.

The dumb assery gets richer believe it or not. We were talking about a kid I was mentoring. I told her flat out the kid gets the message of the twelve steps and gets his act together or he’s going to die. Then she tells me I have to leave him messages encouraging him. Meanwhile I rescued this kid from what seemed to be Jeffrey Dahmer’s brother and to top it all off his phone was off. I told her this kid is nineteen, he has been to rehab more times than Robert Downey Jr. and Artie Lange combined, is works as a streetwalker, he is HIV positive, and he has expressed the desire to keep using drugs. So in her head up her assiness she says to me, “Well April, that says a lot about the God of your understanding.” Yeah the God of my understanding smites the stupid.

Of course she says she has sixteen years sobriety in her alcohol program, go girl. But then she also reveals she has only been drunk twice in her life but followed an old boyfriend who actually had a problem into the program. Wow, sixteen years sober. That’s not hard to achieve when YOU NEVER ACTUALLY HAD A PROBLEM DRINKING!

Then she claims people can be healed through meditation. She has a friend who was infected with HIV through a wild night with some chick in Puerto Rico. But after weeks of meditation he is cured. No, its just undetectable. But he can still infect. She insists upon this and says she has no idea how he could get infected because you can only get HIV through anal sex. No you can get HIV through unprotected sex of any kind. And because you are so dumb odds are that you are positive too. If not HIV positivly stoopid. I will take this time to tell you this dumb friend is Ivy League educated and a member of Mensa. She must have bribed her way in. Its the only way I can explain it.

But then tip of it all is she wants to be a big star in Bollywood. Meanwhile she is forty, living on welfare, and sleeping in the back of a van. She plans to then reveal herself to her first love in all of her glory. But the kicker is she tells me I need to meditate because I live in a fantasy world, and that way I can separate fantasy from reality. Well schizo calling the bi-polar a nutcase. Love April

Artie Lange stabbed himself 9 times.

They just released the transcript of his frantic call to 911:

***(Artie Lange):  I just stabbed myself 9 times and I feel like I'm dying...

***(911 Operator):  Why would you do that, sir?

***(Artie Lange):  I wanted to know what Joe Buck felt like during the 1st taping of the Joe Buck Live Show!

 Hayoo!... Too soon?

If Artie Lange ever choked on an artichoke,my head would explode. 

"October 8 was National Depression Screening Day. I wanted to participate but I was too depressed." Chris Martin does stand-up comedy at Cafe Diem Comedy Night in Richmond, Virginia October 19, 2009. Celebs he skewers include Mel Gibson,Bob Dylan,Michael Moore,Meghan McCain, Levi Johnston,Sarah Palin, Teddy Kennedy and Lisa Lampanelli.