Although the Obamas are the first to bring a Portuguese water puppy into the White House, they were not the first to consider it. Former President Bush once considered the same breed. Bush nixed the idea after deciding it wouldn’t be fair to the dog since he didn’t speak a word of Portuguese.

   Ancient Al tells me that, during the Great Depression, some folks roamed local parks hunting small animals.  Apparently, hunger inspired unusual, desperate behavior.

   "It was a time of reversal," Al observes.  "The park became a place where pigeons and squirrels fed people." 

A man distracted by a low-flying pelican and dropped cell phone drove his sports car into a marsh near Galveston.  Today the man was hired as a pilot by Northwest Airlines.

Sadly, some of the show's characters are getting a little long in the tooth.  For example, Big Bird is now wearing feather plugs.  

Vets and scientists have been left baffled as three bespectacled bears that live at a zoo in Leipzig, Germany have suddenly and inexplicably gone bald.

Upon hearing the troubling news, Andre Agassi immediately donated all his wigs to the chrome-domed creatures. 

Rodell Vereen was sentenced on Wednesday, November 4, to three years in prison after being caught, on video, having sex with a horse.  He admitted to buggery and pleaded guilty, for the second time in two years, to abusing the animal.

In a related story, on Tuesday, November 10, British scientists announced the beginning of a new study on using human DNA in animals!

Do you think the timing of these two news events is just a coincedence?

Don't stare at the chimps! That's the new rule posted at the zoo in Antwerp, Belgium. Of course, you can't feed them, either. Zoo officials are particularly concerned about a male chimp named Cheetah. They worry that people staring at Cheetah will prevent him from bonding with the other apes at the park. He was raised by humans, but the zoo keepers say Cheetah is now making contact with others of his kind. ***MARLAR: So, in other words, go ahead and pay the big bucks to get into the zoo – but whatever you do, DON’T LOOK AT THE ANIMALS!

In Southwest Ranches, Florida, Rob Falk must really love his pig. Town officials ordered him to get rid of his 300-pound Yorkshire pet pig named Strawberry, but Falk says he'd rather leave town than give up the animal. City Council members cited Falk's landlord for a code violation in July. Last week, officials gave Falk 30 days to remove Strawberry from the home, saying that the town allows only one Vietnamese pot bellied pig per household. Officials are also worried that the pig will get bigger and grow large tusks. Falk says his family will move because "the pig is like one of our children."  ***MARLAR: Oh yeah... Rob’s children have also been banned from town.

Looks like the stuffed animals and hand puppet industry may be the latest casualty of H1N1. In Minneapolis, Hennepin County libraries say plush toys and hand puppets will no longer be available for checkout or play, partly because of H1N1 flu concerns. Puppets have been available at less than half of the 41 libraries in the suburbs and in Minneapolis and some are allowed to be checked out. And while there's no way to know if anyone has gotten ill through the puppets, the libraries are sensitive to the real threat and public sense that puppets might be germy. So for now the kids will only have toys that can easily wiped down.  ***MARLAR: Miss Piggy is insistent it has nothing to do with her.

10. You are sitting around when a girl you know is a real bitch comes up to you and says, “You look really put together. Like you aren’t on drugs today.” Your response, “Well, that’s normally the way I tolerate you. Too bad I don’t have that buffer today. Damn those twelve steps.”

9. You have been ranting and raving on the phone about a sucky day you are having when this woman, who is publically breast feeding and has her tits hanging out for all to see, tells you to be quiet because this language will corrupt her child. That’s when you hand the homeless crackhead ten bucks and tell him to grab her tits. That will put her in her place.

8. A rich snob that lives in your neighborhood is putting you and your buddies down again for hanging out on the stoop and laughing loudly. Tell the junkie ex-con who you know has committed a string of robberies in the neighborhood she has twenty bucks on her…..

7. Your roommate has a lady friend you can’t stand that is always making backhanded comments about how you dress when she is a bleach blonde with a bad die job. Casually mention your cousin is getting out of prison after twenty years because he strangled his girlfriend with her bra, stuffed her panties in her mouth, and dumped her body by the train tracks. Then tell he wants to come visit next week to see how much you have grown, and likes platinum blondes.

6. You know this girl who is always doing things for attention. Lately she is claiming a Jamaican guy sexually assaulted her just to see a guy infatuated with her beat someone up. Look at her pretending to be concerned and mention, “I know plenty of Jamaicans. And they never assault anyone with a flat chest. At least not as far as I know.”

5. You are at a gathering when a girl who is dressed like a treasure troll in drag continually makes jokes about you being a slut. Turn to her, smile, and say, “Why? Jealous I get some and you don’t. Im sure if you looked under the draw bridge your Froto would be there for you.”

4. A crazy girl who has been sending you nasty notes on myspace and making your life hell blogs about how she is a responsible mother and how people don’t understand how hard it is. Meanwhile the slut had the four kids to three guys at sixteen. You should comment on the blog, “Wow, must be hard work being a breeding lump. I mean , you lay down on your back a lot but still, gold star for a job shamelessly done.”

3. You recently got a promotion at your job and this girl who is clearly jealous of you is bad mouthing you saying she can’t believe you got it and she didn’t. That’s when you say, “You can’t believe it. Oh ye of little faith.”

2. You see a girl you went to high school with that is a total princess in every respect of the word. When she sees you after years of having not had contact, acts as if she is disgusted by your appearance. That’s when, as you calmly sip your coffee say, “By the way, I contracted Hep C not long ago. Want a sip?”

1. If any of these responses illicit a challenge for a cat fight by any of these party’s tell them you would fight except it is against your policy to assault the mentally handicapped. And then summon the nearest officer of the law when they are yelling and screaming and say you believe they wandered out of a group home and could he help them find their way back. And walk off into the sunset.

I am glad to see Newsweek using sex to promote the magazine(Sarah Palin cover).  The awful covers of the past were the most unattractive containing the ugliest people.  Now, I hope your highly trained publishing staff takes it to a new level.  Let’s have fold outs of Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Molly Ivin ( oops sorry, past away),  and of course Michelle!.  These could be done tastefully…like that Burt Reynolds fold out years ago.  In order to be politically correct, how about Senators Bird, Reed, and maybe even commentators such as Keith Olbermann.  He is always looking for ways to promote himself-look at Sunday Night Football (talk about odd ball-it's like having Bozo in a discussion with scientists on Global Warming). I would add Limbaugh and some others, but they are not good looking enough for your high quality publication.  I suggest sticking to Liberals, The Beautiful People! Why, maybe your editors could win the Nobel Peace prize for Literature using sex.  After all, sex is true peace!   Gene Stray