Ellen DeGeneres is set to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol.

In preparation to fill Abdul's shoes, DeGeneres is training hard with a steady diet of schnaps, NyQuil, Sudafed, and binge drinking pamphlets.

DeGeneres was picked even though she has no formal music training.  In related news, Kirstie Alley was chosen to be a judge on  "America's Next Top Model."

Ellen knows as much about music as Anne Heche does about her sexuality. Then again, I'm not sleeping with Portia de Rossi so maybe I should just shut up.

The man is a real sicko--he even followed Seacrest into the ladies' restroom.  

Ellen DeGeneres has been named the 4th judge on American Idol.

Sources close to her say she feels  pretty and witty and gay.

Taylor Swift and Taylor Hicks  and Taylor Dayne and James Taylor should all go cheer up Elizabeth Taylor, with some carols for her repetitive stress syndrome.

It dawned on me,that if Ellen DeGeneres married Ray Ellin,she would be Ellen Ellin.But I really don't foresee that happening any time soon. 

Her new name is Paulkistan Abdullah! Go figure!

Medicare patients opting "out" can now add watching 3 consecutive reruns of Ellen Degeneres' 'American Idol' appearances.  Obama claims, "This will add 'flex choice' to shooting, knifing, or poisoning to those seniors who no longer give a crap about living. I, myself, puked after one show, so it appears to be a winner!"

"Yes, I feel great," was her first comment. Her second was, "And, I thought being a lesbian was a turn on!"