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.jpg) Should Michael Phelps end up actually winning a possible eight gold medals in Beijing for his incredible swimming talents, the IOC has agreed to allow Tommie 'Bassman' Bales of No Trees, Texas to sing the 'Star Spangled Banner,' as Mr. Phelps is honored on his 'Pedestal of Triumphant Jubilation of the Most Glorious and Hospitable People's Republic of China.' In part , this action is being taken to show that one does not need to be the most handsome or beautiful of one's country to sing at the Olympics, as the Chinese did in the opening ceremonies at Beijing by putting in a Milli Vanilli imposter girl, because the real singer girl has buckteeth.
As stated by President Bush, "We treat all Americans equally and that includes looks. Just look at me. I'm your Joe Average American. We have beautiful citizens and we also have very ugly ones from whom I, myself, turn away from in disgust, but we still make sure to give the scuzz, just as much of a break. That's America! Sure, they'll never be on 'American Idol,' but I'll hug them anytime, as long as they don't reek of B.O., have extensive zits, will give me a disease, even a cold, or look like Laura's drug-wasted third cousin Festus. Gee, I hate that guy!
Now, getting back to our National Anthem, a fellow Texan, Tommie 'Bassman' Bales, will perform this great British pub ditty, if Phelps pulls 8 Golds out of the hat...yeah, I've got a hundred-dollar Franklin from that Bunker Boy, Cheney, if Phelps does it. Just gotta keep Phelps away from those horny female swimmers, especially those Brits. Did you know that Phelps eats over 12,000 calories a day;! no need to waste 250 on that copulation stuff the night before. Did that myself one night before my final flight test with my wonderful Laura and nearly missed the carrier on landing the next morning.
And, I commend Mr. Bales for the surgery on his face showng Confucius, to honor our Olympic hosts. But, I told my daughter, Barbara, Keep Away! Keep Away from Phelps!...the kid's come too far. He's going for eight, but she's got one of those friends with benefits things, whatever that is. I heard guys really relate to it, whatever the damned thing is. I'll check with her later. Americans!...Go for the gold!"
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