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Marcus Howard
"I've stolen 1,000 identities today! E-mail me to find out how!"
Studio City, CA
      
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I'm a proofreader and comedy writer, but what I really want to do is nothing.
Check out the "Dear Star Savior" podcast and blog to witness some celebrity life-coaching.
Subscribe to "Dear Star Savior" on iTunes.
Go become my friend on MySpace. Then, go hunt me down on Facebook. Be my friend here, too. Think of it as a two-person three-way.
Stalk me on Twitter.
Check out my blog to see where my head is. It will sculpt your abs.
Send me e-mail at marcushoward1@hotmail.com. Stalkers and identity thieves, consider this your birthday present.
tony (Guest) says:
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funny stuff marcus !
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Tom Shillue says:
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good stuff Marcus- keep it up!
T
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Marcus Howard says:
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Thanks, bro. I'm just making my way into topical stuff, so it's good to see I haven't totally bombed.
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Ray Ellin says:
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congrats on having the LOL! great stuff-
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 Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I’m Academy Award-winning actress Tatum O’Neal. I was arrested Sunday night after being seen buying crack cocaine near my home in Manhattan. I’ve struggled with addiction for a long time, and I think I really need your help now. What advice do you have for me?
Dear Tatum,
You don’t necessarily have to give up crack. All you have to do is start buying your crack farther away from your home. Consider yourself lucky to be a New Yorker: There are plenty of helpful, reputable vendors all over town. Start with the phone book or the local Zagat guide to crack-buying. And don’t feel like your celebrity status means you have to go to five-star pushers. When you’re buying crack, you really don’t need top-notch valet service.
There is a rich tradition of outsiders visiting ghetto areas to buy drugs, so your arrest could mean it’s time to make your first junkie pilgrimage and experience the spiritual side of crack addiction. On these pilgrimages, all of the area’s fiends awake at sunrise and face east for their morning shakes. Then, they shamble through the streets until they see the sign that they have reached their mecca: a pair of shoes dangling from a power line.
When you see the dangling shoes — a crack addict’s North Star — you’ll know that your dealer is near. And when you’ve had your first group stupor, elbow-to-elbow with your fellow junkies, you’ll understand the meaning of all the previous day’s fasting and prayer and twitching. You’ll truly know what it means to be a crackhead.
The Star Savior
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 Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I’m Lindsay Lohan. I went to rehab a few times last year, and I’ve really been trying to stay away from drinking. But I’ve kind of fallen off the wagon. I drank some champagne from a bottle at a New Year’s Eve party, and I drank Grey Goose vodka from a bottle Friday night and had some vodka cocktails at another club. And I was videotaped and seen by reporters. What should I do?
Dear Lindsay,
The quick fix is for you to start doing your drinking at home, away from judging eyes and cameras. What you lose in social surroundings, you can make up for in sheer drinking volume. It’ll pay for itself after your first blackout. As the saying goes, when a drunk passes out and no one’s around, it never happened. If you’re still not sold on drinking at home, remember this: There’s no last call at home. The floor’s the limit.
The Star Savior
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An American hiker stranded in the Bavarian Alps was rescued after getting lumberjacks’ attention by signaling them using her sports bra.
The men rescued her from a ledge after asking her to jump — in place.
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Sorenson Genomics has released a kit that allows people to conduct paternity tests at home by swabbing the cheeks of the child and the presumed father.
The paternity test works best on men who don't screen their calls.
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 Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I'm actor Charlie Sheen. In some angry voice mail I sent my ex-wife Denise Richards in 2005, I used the N-word and the C-word. The message was leaked onto the Internet this week, and I'm catching a lot of heat for it. I have apologized for my choice of words, but I'm not sure that was enough. What should I do?
Dear Charlie,
I'm OK with you hitting your ex-wife with the N-word and C-word, but your voice mail is a sign of a problem: Technology is ruining racism and sexism.
It’s sad. There are people who have never used a slur face-to-face, the way the pioneers did it. Back then, showing hate was an event, something to plan a day around. But now, people like you just fire off some e-mail or voice mail, throw in a halfhearted slur or two, then go on with their lives. It's just another task on your to-do list: "Buy Batteries. Lunch Meeting. Hate."
But you can use your celebrity to help turn things around. Here's what you should do: Round up the kids, go to the nearest colored district and flood the streets with N-words. Go wherever the skirts get together, then throw a C-word festival. This is your chance to show young people what once made racism and sexism great: customer service.
The Star Savior
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 Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I’m actor Shia LeBeouf. A video that was released on YouTube shows me in a slapping contest with a friend, repeatedly calling my friend a “faggot” to encourage him to slap me. The video is several years old, but I am embarrassed that people have seen this footage. What should I do?
Dear Shia,
People will be alarmed by your use of “faggot,” and there’s nothing you can do about it. But this is your chance to raise awareness of a problem greater than homophobia: children growing up in homes without slapping.
Kids shouldn’t have to turn to each other to get their slaps: Their palms are too small, and kids have poor form. A slap without good follow-through may as well be a hug.
Your YouTube video can help change things. Everyone assumes celebrities grew up spoiled with all the slaps they wanted. They assume celebrities were the lucky ones who came home after rehearsal for the school play, had dinner with their parents, then got smacked around. Imagine your fans’ shock after seeing your video and realizing that Shia LeBeouf had to turn to contests with his friends to get slapped.
Imagine how your video will inspire kids who came from slap-less homes. They’ll learn that they still can go on to do great things, despite not being slapped during their formative years — as long as they can count on slapping contests and “faggot.” Maybe your video will inspire them to go home, do their chores and homework, and call their parents “faggots” to get a loving slap or two. Maybe your video will inspire a school to add a slapping period to fill in the gap for kids from low-smack homes.
Maybe your video will help our broken society realize that when a kid screams “faggot,” he’s not being homophobic. He’s begging, “Someone, please slap me.” It’s a cry for help — in the form of an open palm and full follow-through. It takes a village to smack a child.
The Star Savior
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 Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I’m Jessica Simpson. My younger sister Ashlee may be pregnant. While I’m happy for her, I can’t help but feel a little jealous that I’m not planning a wedding and having a baby. What do you think?
Dear Jessica,
If you’re bothered by the idea of your younger sister having a baby before you, don’t be: You can still beat her to the punch. The streets are flooded with sperm that’s there for the taking if you’re up for a tradeoff. You’ll gain a new option for every standard you drop.
Traditional types might tell you to hit a bar and try to conceive a child in a bottle-powered one-night-stand. The only problem with this is that meeting guys in person might tempt you to be selective. Remember: Nothing gets in the way of quick pregnancy like standards.
If you’re really serious about scoring some sperm and aren’t dead-set on having a guy involved, take an extreme self-serve approach. Go to one of the sketchier neighborhoods and keep your eyes peeled for used condoms. If you don’t know where to look for used condoms, find a local drug connoisseur and follow the needle tracks on their arms. For a used-rubber hunter, that’s the North Star.
Once you’re pregnant, making up for your sister’s headstart means getting that baby out of there as soon as possible. As soon as your belly is big enough, start an exercise program based on crunches. Join a co-ed rodeo team. Lie face-down on a moving conveyer belt. If you do this one at a grocery store and it works, have the baby put in a paper bag. Plastic bags are dangerous for babies.
The Star Savior
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 A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to assault charges for losing his temper and punching a woman in the face on his way to an anger-management class.
After punching the woman, he brought her to the anger-management class for show-and-tell.
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 According to her representative, Amy Winehouse was released from a hospital Tuesday morning after being treated for an adverse reaction to medication.
Doctors said she had overdosed on fresh air.
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A woman who worked at the United Nations’ Secretariat Building died Sunday after falling or jumping from the 19th floor.
The official cause of death is under investigation, but police suspect gravity.
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