I fell asleep last night during a "G-String Divas" marathon on HBO.  I started having a very nice dream, which turned into a nightmare and I woke up in a cold sweat... feeling very uncomfortable and unsure of my own sexuality.

What I want to know is... who's the jackass at programming over there that puts "Brokeback Mountain" on after a "G-String Divas" marathon at 1am?

Acording to several autism experts, John Travolta's son, Jett, had autism.  However their religion, Scientology, doesn't believe in any sort of mental disorders.  And that's how you think when you belong to a retarded religion.

Via AP News 

RIVIERA BEACH, Fla. - A 74 year old man who was shot in the head with a stray bullet still showed up to work with the bullet still lodged in his skull.  E.T. Strickland is his name, and commercial real estate is his game. The bullet hit him Tuesday night during an attempted robbery outside of a Walgreen's.  He says it hurts, but not enough to keep him from his job.  Meanwhile, I have the sniffles, and am writing jokes from my couch today.

I bought the DVD box set of Back To The Future, and on the box it said "10 Hours of Bonus Features".  I thought to myself, "What kind of a loser is going to watch 10 hours of bonus features?" Then I woke up sick today. 

Did you know that they started filming the first one with Eric Stoltz instead of Michael J. Fox? Did you know that some people thought those hover boards were real, but thought Mattel wasn't making them because of child safety laws! So lots of parents wrote Mattel and said they didn't care about their child's safety, just make the boards so they can get their kids to shut up. 

via People.com 

Drew Peterson, an innocent until proven guilty man, whose 4th wife disappeared, and whose 3rd wife was found dead in a bath tub, is giving love another chance.  He's getting hitched again, and his bride to be is all of 23 years old.

Ya know... every time I watch a horror movie, I aways find it hard to believe that anyone could be dumb enough to stick around in a house that has some dude killing people in it.  Well, I guess these idiots really do exist.  I'm sure if you asked her, she'd say, "You guys don't know him like I do... he's really sweet... and we watch CSI together.  It's like his favorite show."

Technically Drew is still not divorced from his missing 4th wife, but she is more than welcome to show up at the wedding during the "if anyone objects" part. 

According to a survey sponsored by computer chip giant Intel, about 50% of women ages 18-44 would prefer to go without sex for two weeks than without internet.  And I would have to agree, because you can still see porn on the internet, but I cant check my email in your va-jay-jay.

Via New York Times 

According to a new study, US 4th and 8th grade students have made significant improvements in math as compared to recent years.  The study then goes on to say that we're still not doing as well as the Asians.  But I would like to point out that we're more fun than the Asians, so who would you rather hang out with?  Oh... wait... they had the Olympics this year.... OK... except for this year.. who would you rather hang out with?

I used to be really good at math, but now that I'm not in school I suck.  The other day someone asked me what 16 + 7 was, and I said "hmm, it's at least 20"

The worst part about shopping on Black Friday is the parking.  But I figured out a little trick to get around that.

When I drive to the mall, instead of wasting my time looking for a parking spot, I drive right up to the mall entrance, and when I see people comming out with a ton of gifts I say, "Hey!!! Would you like a ride to your car?"

Pretty smart, eh?  Then they put their gifts in my car, and I drive off without them. Shopping done. 

You know you watch too much television when you see a comerical and say...

"Oh! That's the short version of that comerical."

Remember Vanessa Hudgens' nude photo scandal?  Back in September Disney had to fire her from High School Musical over those pics.  In her place they hired Adrienne Bailon who, I'm sure, assured them nothing crazy like that would happen with her. Well, apparently she left her laptop in the airport, and guess what was on it? Yup! Nude pics. 

First let me say that the girls that were into theater at my High School were nothing like this. 

Second, this whole nude-pic-leaking-on-the-internet thing that seems to keep happening really bothers me.  Is there no safe place to keep your nudies?  You could lock them up in a drawer I guess... but what good is that... you gonna tell a girl in the club that she has to wait till she gets to your place to see your nudy pics!?  I mean that's ridiculous in this day and age.  I live in freaking New Jersey, and if I meet a girl in an NYC club, the only way I'm getting her to come to Jersey is to show the goods up front.