The Democrats seem poised to make a full comeback in 08, having truly learned from their past mistakes. Two early contenders for the nation's top job: Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. That's right a New York career woman and a black guy with a terrorist name. Here we come red states! Their third lesser know candidate is actually this picture:

There ya go flyovers! Everything you hate! See ya at the polls!

From The Offices of Satan, Lord of the Underworld

Dear Minions,

Halloween will soon be here, where you will take to the streets to corrupt the minds of mankind through ancient pagan rituals that will ultimately lead to our complete domination of all existence. What a glorious time! Rise my minions! Rise!

But you know, as I walk around the office, I hear murmurs. People say Halloween has become stale, secular and that people could care less about lil' ol me.

The other day I overheard one minion saying thee whole thing had been reduced to nothing more than giving fun-sized mounds bars to kids dressed like Optimus Prime.

At first I was mad, but I had to admit, he had a point. Our hearts have just not been in it this year. His heart especially, because I forced him to eat it while it was still beating then sent him to writhe in a lake of fire for all eternity, but you get the idea.

The only people who still think Halloween is actually demonic are Mormons and the idiots who worship me. I can’t say I blame them, in the last few years the holiday has been corrupted and commercialized to the point that even I hardly recognize it.

I say lets put the me back in Halloween. Let’s make this the most satanic (or me-ic) day of reckoning ever. I have a few ideas to get us started:

1. Purchase UNICEF.

2. Eliminate all decorations that feature skeleton’s smiling or dancing. Totally unrealistic.

3. Encourage the consumption of excessive amounts of dark chocolate, which as we all know is positively sinful.

4. Witches and vampires, the mascots of the holiday, are no longer scary. Too add to their mystique, spread the rumor that Witches are racists and Vampires have AIDS.

5. Step up our links with the living via Ouija boards, Heavy Metal Music and the face of every smiling baby.

6. Reach out to modern, empowered women by doing away with slutty nurses outfits in favor of slutty doctor’s outfits.

7. If you see trash in the hallway, pick it up, even if it’s not yours. (That’s not a Halloween tip, just something that I think everyone would benefit from.)

I like to think we are all part of a team here in the underworld, even a family. Now lets turn this around before I summon flying flesh eating insects with spinning blades for hands to murder you and your families over and over. Just kidding… sort of.

See you in hell,

Satan

PS- Whoever has been taking other people’s food out of the fridge, be aware that we have installed a camera in the break room.

A new poll finds that 64 percent of Republicans want to see Governor Sara Palin make a run for the White House in 2012, putting them on the same page as 100 percent of Democrats, joke-writers and metaphorical glass ceiling repairmen.

Yoko Ono's driver is in some hot water after handing her a letter saying "he had people on standby waiting to kill her on his orders." Yet another outstanding group Ono is responsible for breaking up.

The Arena Football League may soon have to shut down due to a lack of interest. You can read all about it in this week's "Stuff You Thought Already Happened".

Now the idea of a evil bank sounds like it might be a little complicated and over the heads of the average movie-goer so the trailer makes sure to make in nice and easy for everyone to understand. Oh did I say that they make it easy to understand? I meant to say they made it fucking stupid. What is with me today?

The trailer starts with a person using an ATM:
 

Then the following cryptic message, meant to pull you into the exciting world of banking:



 

Whoa. Something else? Something else? Other than what? They don’t say. Normal bank stuff I guess. Okay, you have me hooked trailer, this bank is up to no good. You even have the guy from Children of Men involved. But now you better bring the thunder so I know you just how high the stakes are:

HOLY SHIT! HANG ON! NO WAY! Is he going to push the murder button on the ATM? He better not! HE BETTER NOT! This movie is fucking crazy! It looks like the screen says something like “Believing in A Better Tomorrow” but this bank doesn’t do that. They have ATMs that murder people somehow! ADMs is more like it! This bank is bad motha flippin news! My bank just tries to scam me into a bullshit credit protection service and gives me free pens that don’t work that well. These guys murder from touch screens!

The extortion and corruption are even scarier because I have no idea how they would work. I mean I’ve been extorted by an ATM before but it was in a bodega or a strip club, not an actual bank. ($2.75 my ass!) I guess for the extortion you have to bring your victim to another ATM. Corruption would be a little harder though, I imagine there is a lot of face time & paper work required to pull off something like that.

This is clearly a movie meant for the summer blockbuster season, not February. Boy are the movie studios faces gonna be red when they realize their mistake!

This almost reminds me of another trailer I saw for a movie about an evil fast food chain:  

That number 5 will go straight to your hips!