Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre added another record to his resume this week.  The future Hall of Famer was said to be contemplating retirement for the 745th time, eclipsing the old mark held by pop diva Cher.

Party photos of another Miss America contestant have surfaced.  The pictures reportedly show Katie Rees (Miss Nevada 2007) exposing her breasts, passionately kissing other young women, and simulating oral sex with females and a male.

Earlier this month, Rees was the guest of honor at a Special Olympics bowling tournament and last month attended an event for underprivileged children.

Tickets are sold out for Miss Nevada's upcoming charity appearance at the Make-A-Wish foundation.

"Sorry… I meant to hit the kid."

Among the many changes instituted by the new Democrat majority in Congress is how they refer to new Senators.  Party leaders say they will no longer use the "derogatory" term "freshman" to describe first-term Senators.

Congressman Virgil Goode (R-Idiot-VA) sent out a letter to constituents that unless immigration is tightened, "many more Muslims" will be elected and will use the Koran at their ceremonial swearing-in.

Congressmen should be free to swear-in on books that reflect their deeply held beliefs.  As a result, incoming representatives will now have their choice of swearing in on either the Bible, the Koran or a stack of back issues of Barely Legal.

You can tell Congessman Goode is an experienced politician.  He was able to execute the difficult political maneuver of trashing both open immigration and religious freedom in one letter - a feat that earned him a 9.75 from the international panel of judges (after you throw out North Korea's high score of a perfect 10.0). 

Memo to Congressman Goode: Last time we checked it's called The Statue of Liberty, not The Statue of Circumscribed Freedoms.

Erik Estrada, LaToya Jackson and Ozzie Osbourne's son, Jack have been sworn in as reserve officers of the Muncie, Indiana police department, allowing them to carry badges and guns as part of a new reality television series, Armed and Famous.

Network executives settled on the show's title after rejecting the more cumbersome, Armed and Looks Vaguely Familiar.

The show is already mired in controversy as the Muncie Police Department faces a copyright infringement lawsuit from the producers of Reno 911.

In New York City, Port Authority officials scrambled to add more buses on the New York-to-Muncie route to accommodate the needs of parolees, career criminals and civil attorneys.*

Plans are already in the works for a spin-off show in which high school students are given guns and a license to hunt down D-list celebrities to fulfill their school's community service requirement.

*Categories not mutually exclusive

A spokesman for Bally's Total Fitness in downtown Baghdad said the company would not refund the balance of Hussein's membership since it had a signed contract. 

"I Lost 215 Pounds in One Day!"* 

-G.W. Bush, Washington, D.C.

* Results not typical.  Individual results may vary.  As always, you should consult a doctor before picking a fight with one of the world's superpowers.